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Liz94 February 27th 2010 11:50 PM

Caught in is tight grip
Yet again I am in depressions hold. I can't sleep. My sister isnt coming home tonight it was her 18th yesterday so she is with friends all of tonight and most of tommorow so I am on her laptop watching things on youtube and facebook as well as browsing on here.

I have been having disturned sleep for a week now and tonight I can't get to sleep at all. It's aggrivating me as I only came out of a depression a couple of 3 weeks ago and now I am back in one.
Nothing triggers my depression it just comes on. I am upsetting my bf. He almost cried yesterday when he saw the lates scars on my right arm. ( he had only just got over the scars on my left but in late jan - 10th I went through a fase of SHin and one of the times was on my right arm and so new scars for him to get used to) And he can tell I am really down. Plus in this depression I seem to be full of anger and have a very short fuse with friends which is causing tension at school and at home I am only just about able to keep my temper in check though it is getting harder and harder. I just don't know what to do. I feel so cold and numb inside, I feel dead. I am turning to God for comfort but it seems even he can't save me this time. I am just worried that if this depression lasts much longer I will turn to SH again and my eating habits which are never perfect will turn exsteamly unhealthy. I can't talk to friends because a senior member of staff I am close to and respect want to stop the culture of everyone taking on other peoples problems as their own. I don't want to talk to this member of senior staff because she told me that if I go to her again expressing my feelings and open up she will have to tell the child safty and well being person at our school who I hate and this week has put a close friend on suicidal watch. I do not want to be put on suicidal watch if I do then all my teachers and senor staff will be emailed and most of them dont know about my depressions They would also be told about my SH and told to watch my eating two other fatcs non of my teacher know. I don't want them to know. So what if I want to kill myself. So what if I want this torment and pain to end. I know depressions leave but they come back and the gaps inbertween each ine for me is so sort that it isnt worth it. If I die people either wouldnt care or would be better off as I only cause worry and upset. I just want to be in peace and I would be if I was dead with God in heaven. so why not make my death premerture.

What I have written above is my thorghts and feelings I dont think I will commit suicide because I am too timid but it is very much an option.

Thank you for taking time to read this I know it was very long.

Spellbound February 28th 2010 05:16 AM

Re: Caught in is tight grip
Just remember that there are people that care for you. :) Just that thought alone makes me feel better. If you want to talk, PM me. I'll be here (:

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