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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
DeadManTalking Offline
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Suicide Soon - March 7th 2010, 02:57 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I've had a really, really fucked up life. I've been abused and neglected, dad was an alcoholic depressive while mum is a manic depressive or something. I have some kind of full blown personality disorder and a depressive condition too... fit all of the diagnostic criterior of borderline though I'm not sure that's what I have. I'm so afraid of being abandoned by people that I effectively can't form close relationships with anybody and when people do turn away from me I turn psychotically depressed. I've only ever had 2 "real" friends and one of them, who I was also in love with, literally ended our friendship outright a month ago. She then got the police onto me and told them I had been stalking her, which I hadn't been. What I did do is send her a text saying "I'm going to kill myself. You were basically my only friend and I've lost you too" or something. Wrong of me but I was drunk on a full bottle of vodka and a half bottle of scotch at the time. Instead of calling the police about the suicide thing she calls them to say I've been following her, which came out of nowhere and is total bullshit. It has destroyed me.

I've tried therapy and it did nothing for me... I think at some point an individual's life becomes like a broken relationship. It becomes obvious that it just isn't working and it's not as simple as just changing things because the feeling is gone. I have no ambitions or goals, never really have. I don't believe in a higher purpose or power. Happiness is far from guaranteed in my life but misery is certain.

I plan to throw myself off a (relatively) nearby cliff soon. 530ft drop onto jagged rocks. Absolutely zero chance of surviving.
   
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Re: Suicide Soon - March 7th 2010, 08:01 PM

I don't really know what I can say but I felt like I should say something, so just PM me if you feel like talking would help at all... there are people willing to listen and maybe help you out.


It's no surprise that you'll soon forget about me
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Suicide Soon - March 7th 2010, 08:03 PM

Hey there,

Sorry to hear about everything you are going through right now. But suicide is a PERMANENT solution to a temporary problem. Your life will get better and you will feel better, but you just have to fight a little longer to get there. Just because your life hasn't been the best, doesn't mean you have to give up! It simply means you need to fight a little harder to get through this. Things such as depression and other things can be inherited so you have to realize, your parents probably went through a rough time as teens also. Have you tried talking to them about how you REALLY feel inside? I know it can be scary to tell others, but at this point you may not be able to do things alone. And that's OK. It's a sign of strength to reach out and as for help.

Therapy isn't the only help there is out there. Plus, if it didn't work once, try again. Maybe you just didn't find the right person. Just keep looking until you find someone you feel comfortable talking to. If you have no ambitions or goals, make some! Make weekly goals for yourself and give yourself something to look forward to. Don't look too far ahead, just focus on the present. Take it one day at a time and go your pace. Try to think of all the people that would be terribly hurt if you killed yourself. Your parents would be devasted, your friends would be horrified, and everyone would feel guilty. Even people you only met once would have sleepless nights wondering if they could've done something to help you. There is help out there, you just have to keep on looking. Don't give up now, you have your whole life ahead of you. And I know from experience, there is happiness ahead of you. Of course there is going to be misery, but the good days and happiness will make up for that! Hang in there ok? I'm always here if you ever want to talk. You aren't alone.

Keep your head up,

Alessa


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If I can make it out, you can too.
   
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Re: Suicide Soon - March 7th 2010, 08:33 PM

Hey there,

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this and that all this has happened to you - it isn't right and no one deserves to feel like this, at all. Things can change.. And they will. I know it probably isn't much use right now because I know from experience that when you feel like this you don't believe anyone else. You are worth so much to people, whether you see it or not. Are your parents receiving any kind of help? If not, they probably should - to help them and you.

You need to try and find something to hold on to, however small. Hold on to being able to trust someone again and being able to not think of this. As Alessa said, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.. You don't need to do this. You are strong enough to resist - the fact you posted shows that to me. Try to look around for another therapist as Alessa said, you have to find one you are comfortable with. You deserve to get help, you really do.

I think you should try telling someone how you really feel - a doctor, teacher, parent. If you don't feel you can say it, try writing it all down in a letter and handing it to someone. That way you can get everything out you feel you need to say.

Here if you need me and I hope I helped in some way,
You deserve something better than this.
Take care.
Anna
   
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Re: Suicide Soon - March 9th 2010, 03:14 AM

Things get better. Just hang in there. I know how hard fear of abandonment is, it's been with me for my whole life because aparently I was never good enough for my parents and they threw me out the moment I was born. I'm the dark horse, brooding loner. But, things do get better. I was going to kill myself earlier this year because I hardly have any friends, the family I know isn't my family and my extended relatives called me "the ghost" and I just had nothing. I was all set too. Checked out my garage, wrote the note, waited for the right time when they were gone. I was moments away from doing it too. In the garage, but I decided at the last minute not to do it... Today, my life has never been better... and that's just a couple months after a serious psychological breakdown. I'm not going to say it's perfect, but I'm happy I didn't kill myself - because I would have never known what was in my future. Same for you, happiness and freedom could be around the corner. You don't know. Hang on dude, you can make it.

Last edited by ThePunkAlien; March 9th 2010 at 03:31 AM.
   
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Re: Suicide Soon - March 10th 2010, 12:25 AM

A little while ago my two best friends went behind my back and did some horrible things...when I found out I was pretty distraught. I suffered from depression but eventually things get better. Just find that one thing that makes you happy, even if you haven't found it yet. Once you find hang on to it because it will get you through. This may be odd but I came across a rescue horse and took her in as my project...my thoughts were so consumed by the horse I didn't have time to think about killing myself. You can make it. You can hang in there.
   
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Re: Suicide Soon - March 10th 2010, 12:59 AM

You're right, you have had on f*cked up life. But that doesn't mean your life is worthless. I come from a similar background, only my family wasn't physically abusive but severely emotionally abusive. They still are, and trust me emotional abuse is as bad as physical in a different way. Like you, I've only ever had two true friends. They're my best friends and I don't know what I'd do if one of them betrayed me, so I can only imagine how you feel. I also know what it's like to not have any goals or ambition...or to not believe in a higher power/purpose. But I also know that if you say that misery is certain, that happiness is far from a guarantee, that will be true. It's hard to believe that something good will happen to you when you've lived through so much crap, I know that personally. But you have to hold on to the smallest hope that something good will happen. Chances are that something in your life will change for the better. Chances are you haven't yet met that one person who'll make you want to live your life. When you do, it'll be easy to connect to them and develop a close relationship.

As far as your family situation, I don't know how old you are, but you won't always have to deal with them. The day you can leave your family behind is the best day ever. Don't let your family genetics run your life. There are ways to deal with it. The fact that you acknowledge you've got a problem is the first step. Now do everything in your power to get help. There are so many options.

I've grown up wanting so much to believe in something. Over the years, I've come to believe that every life is worth living, and that good things will happen to those who deserve it. Those good things may take some time to occur, but give life a chance.


-B
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R.I.P. my sweet baby boy. I miss you so much more than you could have ever imagined.


"There was a moment in my life when I really wanted to kill myself. And there was one other moment when I was close to that. . . . But even in my most jaded times, I had some hope.-Gerard Way
   
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Re: Suicide Soon - March 10th 2010, 01:07 AM

*Hugs you tight* It isn't worth it...Killing yourself...I don't know you but I would miss you...


4 8 15 16 23 42
It began January 2004
It ended May 2010
James Ford forever has my heart

"Son of a Bitch!"
   
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Re: Suicide Soon - March 10th 2010, 01:09 AM

Life is full of ups and downs. Some ups last longer then others and some downs last longer than others. I too went through a period where I was ocnsumed by depression, dispair, and the beliefe that I had exhosted all possible options. I figured that no one would even notice I was gone if I killed myself because I always felt invisible. The two closest friends i had, I locked onto and effectivly became dependent on. Kendall moved away and had to deal with ehr own shit. Katherine got pissed at me, moved jobs, and moved several hours away. I was all alone. My family was almost non-existant and really screwed up. I was sucking in school, I didn't have a job, and I had no friends. In time, I finished high school and went to college. the same situation continued. I had no job, no friends, and my grades were not so hot. I figured that I was stuck permenently and wasting my own time so I might as well off myself. But, again, i didn't. I do believe in a higher power (differnt than you) and i think that might have been what stopped me. But what also stopped me was one day, I looked around at all the people I knew on campus. I decided to throw caution to the wind and just ask these people I saw day in and day out what they thought of me. I was suprised, really shocked actually. One girl who I could have sworn hated myguts told me she admired me for being so gutsy in class and arguing my points with the professor. Another girl I had class with told me she thought of me as a good friend and then asked if I'd go out to dinner with her and her friends. Another girl looked at me funny and told me that of course she and I were friends and then asked me how I could think otherwise. Essencially, I didn't realize just how many people on my campus either looked up to me or thought of me as a friend. After that day, I started calling on them when i felt low. I was still not sure that they were friends so i decided that it didn't matter if I scared them away because they were probably not real friends anyway. Out of the 7 or 8 people I took a chance and trusted, only one of them let me down. thats 6 or 7 people who were willing to listen to me tell them about my past and tell them that I was considering killing myself. What's more, they didn't just listen, they took action. Several of them offered the typical listening ear, and then asked me every day how I was doing, was I feeling better, did I need to vent, etc... one of the girls told me she was really worried about me and asked if I would allow her to introduce me to the campus counselor. I have a HUGE aversion to counselors, shrinks, therapistss, whatever...I don't like them and I hate feeling like a lab rat being analyzed. But I was still kind of in a state of not caring so i told her that I would go see this counselor on my own. I went on a Wednesday. I have continued to go every wednesday for the last year. I'll keep going each wednesday till I graduate and then maybe even afterward.

I met the most amazing woman that first day i went. Her name is Susan and she didn't analyze me. She didn't label me. She didn't try to give me medication. She didn't try to tell me she understood or know what I was talking about and going through. She just listened and looked into my eyes. I told her I hated counselors and she told me that was ok. I told her I didn't trust them and she said that was smart because counselors were human too. I told her i was only there because some girl I knew had told me i should come - Susan asked if I really wanted to be there talking to her. I told her no. Susan told me I oculd leave whenever i wanted to. I stayed. I told her I didn't kow where to begin because I didn't know exactly what was wrong. She said that was ok...in time I'd know what was wrong and find a way to fix it. I never mentioned that I wanted to kill myself in the first 6 months of seeing her....when I did tell her, she said she had suspected that, but had not wanted to push me into talking about somehting I wasn't ready to confront. She told me on a regulare basis that she was proud of me for coming to see her, for continueing to push through my studies, and for just being me.

None of this has anything exactly to do with your situation except that it might give you hope. I went from being friendless and suicidal, to having a group of people who care about me (and whom I care about too) and being excited about living and following my dreams.

The others who have posted have given excellent suggestions, so I'm not going to repeat them. I just wanted to share my story with you, in an effort to give you some hope for the future. you do have a future, all you have to do is decide that you're going to look for it.

Trust is a hard thing, but try it once more. Try to reach out to a school/college counselor or look through the local directory and call up a counselor in your town. Take one more chance, tell one person that you are this upset and see what happenes.

If you plan on killing yourself anyway, what will it matter what the person's reaction is? I think you'll be suprised at the concern that strangers will show for someone in as much pain as you seem to be in.

I urge you to continue posting here on TH and call the suicide hotline. let us here help you to help yourself. PM me anytime. I'd be happy to tell you more details of my story or listen to yours or talk about something completely neutral. Just keep trying - there is always hope.

Take care,
~Anna~


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"Choose to chance the rapids, and dare to dance the tide" -Garth Brooks
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