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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
honeycake Offline
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maybe i should just go ahead - March 10th 2010, 03:10 AM

Well yesterday i went to the retail course as usual and when i got into Durham i wanted to pop into HMV to get Final Fantasy XIII so i asked my boyfriend nicely if he would come with me and he was with some mates of ours and he said 'No go by yourself' which he has never said before and the others just laughed so while they went i was walking and i fell and hurt my left side no one helped me up which is life for me really.

So i got back to the course and i told him what happened and he said sorry but that's not it i was in a low mood i just wanted to kill myself from the beginning of yesterday, i went to the hospital earlier that morning and i felt awkward i hate people seeing my feet because they might think i'm a freak or something... Because of my CP so yeah, anyway came home was on/off with the crying the only highlight about yesterday is my boyfriend got a job. I'm so happy for him but in a way my self esteem of finding a job has lowed. Also i think my boyfriend's family might think why doesn't she get a job? As also his twin as a job to and sigh when i get an interview the interviewer usually sees my disability and not me so when i mention it it's like Oh.. Then there's an awkward moment of silence it's like Why did you bloody ask in the first place? I'm letting my boyfriend down and i feel like i do everyday because i know he wants to move out but i haven't got a job =/ but he says he might not get kept on after the 6 month and it's paid work too.

It's just gone 4am now and i woke up at 3am crying having thoughts and voices saying i should just die and quickly get it over and done with. I feel like i'm letting everyone down

So i think i might just do everyone a favour....

Darlin' don't leave me out here in the cold
I'm begging you baby don't leave me out here on my own I'll die, If you don't hold me tight Tonight, I couldn't make it outside If I tried, So please let me in lover,
Be kind ♥
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Re: maybe i should just go ahead - March 10th 2010, 09:20 AM

I was scrolling through threads here and i saw this had no replies so i decided i should post (i usual do bullying stuff but what the heck, i'll give this a shot.)

I have a good friend who has CP at my school (by that i assume you mean cerebal palsy) She works at macdonalds. But look at it this way, most people usually concentrate on 1 thing, its either brawn or brain. Ok its true that brawn blew up in your face but if theres one thing I know about CP is that it doesn't effect your mind in anyway. (MY FRIEND REMEMBERS ME FROM PRE-SCHOOL MY MEMMORYS NO WAY NEAR THAT GOOD)

Don't remove yourself from the world, Not all relationships work out perfectly. Thats a fact for people without conditions as well people with them.

There are all sorts of people out there some of them will love carring for someone. You don't have to think if you lose your bf that there won't be others. To a real gentleman it will be your personality that matters. Always remember that.

Besides it could be just he wasn't feeling to good about something different.
But remember you were reall unlucky to have curse like CP placed on you, but you should take a look at some of the paralimpic vidoes for inspiration, if you feel your weighing everyone down then you should try what you can to change it.

Fight back! Don't give up! Its hard but, there will always be people who want you to stay with them.

~I hope that helps.
p.s. Hows final fantsy 13? i heard from reveiws that it kinda got screwed up. (what a waste of a few million dollars)

<img src=http://i918.photobucket.com/albums/ad28/Outavheir/Nevergiveup.png border=0 alt= />
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Batman. Offline
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Re: maybe i should just go ahead - March 10th 2010, 06:42 PM

About the job thing, don't feel bad. Job hunts suck. I've graduated high school and college, am a certified welder, yet can't even get hired at a McDonalds, and I don't have any disability. It's just, a tough job market.

All you can really do is keep trying, and hope for the best. Taking your life over these things is just, no good. You've seem to done good so far, with things such as a boyfriend, and at least trying your hardest at looking for a job. So I mean, don't throw all that away over a couple bad days.
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Jacksonian Offline
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Re: maybe i should just go ahead - March 12th 2010, 12:15 AM

Don't give up, and cast away those thoughts that are trying to make your life bad. When those thoughts and tears come you just tell them that you have had enough and you will no longer be pushed around by fear or anything else or those thoughts.

I came here to help out, so if you wanna talk or just need someone to bounce ideas or issues off of or something else then send me a message and I will reply as soon as I can.
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