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CalDud Offline
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Arrow Looking for a way out. - March 14th 2010, 01:12 AM

I think the ideal place to begin would be the beginning, but I don't think I have the patience nor the want to have people read a novel instead of a post.

I'm basically unhappy with my life and a large part of it is because I can't get over my ex-girlfriend. I have tried everything short of suicide to stop the constant stream of thoughts about her from coming. We broke up, it was my fault, and I had this great idea of getting back together with her last summer after I woke up from a dream. In the dream, we for some reason kissed, and she said, "You'll know what that meant." She was interested in someone else and I already had a girlfriend myself, but we were falling in love for a second time. When the day of days came and I broke out the question of whether she wanted to be with me or not, she told me she wouldn't leave her boyfriend for me and I was devastated. My whole world collapsed in front of my eyes and I tried hard to suppress the hurt. You see, I also have something called Asperger's Syndrome, which may be linked with my depression through my teenage years and up until now. I've had therapy before, but it's never produced any results.

I became obsessed with math. I was never that especially great at it in grade school and I had taken a year off to help my family out since we were going poor. I mostly got C's in my math classes and for some reason, I turned to mathematics. I started watching these videos on a website and started taking notes, learning things forwards and backwards, making more frequent trips to the library, and utterly engrossing myself so much into the math that my girlfriend a month later finally shook me up to realize what an obsession it had become to me. I had taken their college entrance exam about a year earlier and I scored into Pre-Algebra. I took the exam after all of that exposure and placed (technically) into Differential Equations through their diagnostic exam. You basically just kept answering questions and if you kept getting them right, you were bumped up. It took me about four hours to get out of there starting from basic arithmetic until I got to DE's.

About a month into school, I realized that I missed this girl. And ever since then I've had to work twice as hard to accomplish anything because of this ungodly amount of depression hanging onto my back. I still want her and I really don't want to move on. I mean, when you know, you know and you're convinced to do anything you can to have this special person in your life. And I've tried everything and even though I'm an atheist, I've had strong proclivities to pray to God for help. I want her so much in my life, I know it sounds rash and immature in nature to want to be with one person, but it's her I want. I suffer from such hopelessness, though. I turned out this earlier:

There are things in life we wish we could change and it goes without saying we still try and change them anyway. But I ask simply when should a person give up? When should someone learn to accept that their past has sealed them into a fate they don’t want? I used to think that when it came down to the very worst, there was always one step lower you could go, which was to give up. I still think like that, even though I should probably think that giving up is more of what everyone else would prefer each other to do when it came to trying to change your future. Our history is a stain on the soul and our personal crimes and anguishes live with us and toil at the heart when we can no longer continue to bury the hatchet. And that eventually those skeletons will show themselves again because of all the waterworks you’re making over it crying for lost time and persons.

What use is there in continuing this pain? Is it because I can’t forgive myself or that everyone else could never forgive me for what I’ve done to them? What use is there in trying to make amends when they can’t be made or given a chance to proliferate?

A man is a muddle when the world he wants no longer exists and the world that he lives in serves as a reminder to what he’s lacking. How could he forget what he’s done and what others have felt when his mind won’t let him? Does he need to see someone, a doctor, perhaps? Because if no one can help him, what can? And if he cannot help himself, will he ever receive help?

What do you when you look at yourself from a different angle or perspective and have grown to hate yourself? Is it customary to change? Because I have and that’s produced no great result because whether or not you’ve changed, your past is a capital punishment. No matter what you’ve done to be a better person, if you still wish to change your past, you can’t. You can’t correct anything you’ve done without cooperation and if one is justified in refusing to help, you can’t do anything. You must accept that person you were is you still and you will be shamed with that. So you could live with yourself? I suppose you could, but I wouldn’t say you’ll be living the happiest existence. When did people say it was never too late? Because it is all too late and there’s no turning things around.

If this is all right and agreed with, I am going to kill myself.
I've had so many suicidal thoughts this week and have almost seriously acted on them. This one person has such a power over me that love is killing me.

Last edited by CalDud; March 14th 2010 at 03:28 AM.
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Darrenboy! Offline
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Re: Looking for a way out. - March 14th 2010, 11:28 AM

you have definitely went through a lot of bad stuff...

sometimes things happen because they happen.. everyone makes mistakes sometimes. I myself make mistakes sometimes because the fact remains that everything can be overcome. I know it's hard for you.. everything you've typed and written tells me that you still bad for your mistakes. But what is important in life is moving on... and accepting and learning from your mistakes.

But rest assured.. life is crafted in such a way that every positive experience and happiness that you feel will take over your mistakes, overcome them and then make the pain from your mistakes disappear. There are so many people around you... i know it's hard to get over this person, but the fact remains that there are definitely better people around. I understand that you're still in pain.. so do stuff that can enable you to overcome the pain. Like maybe watch calming and nice movies.. read books that have a feel-good factor, and maybe just chill out and take your time to breathe. All that may be able to help you in everything.

I know you'll be able to overcome whatever you're feeling now.. asperger's syndrome just makes overcoming it that bit harder... but NOTHING CANNOT BE OVERCOME BY WILLPOWER.

I believe in that because i know it to be true.

caring always.

Those who have went through more pain than everyone else, and want to protect anyone and everyone they know and care for from that pain, are stronger than everyone.

we come, we help, we stick and never leave. pm me anytimeee!

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I'm firing mah Hugs!
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Re: Looking for a way out. - March 14th 2010, 08:49 PM

Okay, NO girl or guy is worth killing yourself over! You are better than that, and I understand you are in alot of pain right now, but time will heal the wounds and in time it'll find you someone better. I know right now that's probably thel ast thing on your mind, someone else coming into your life, but eventually it'll happen and you'll eventually forget all about her.
It's not worth killing yourself over, she's definitely not worth killing yourself over. Just try to occupy your mind, go get a job or go out with friends, shut thoughts of her out, don't concentrate on her or the things that happened or the memories you have, or the feelings you have for her, just shut it all out and forget about it for now. It hurts right now for you to deal with it, so don't.
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