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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
i_am_me_again Offline
I'm A Pyschotic Neurotic.
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Name: Jaymi
Age: 33
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Location: England

Posts: 3,203
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Feel Like Running... (Long)...No-one Cares - March 15th 2010, 04:24 PM

Hi

Let me get this straight. A couple of weeks ago I took an overdose of a mixture of pills. When we called the ambulance, they took me (and my carer) to A & E in Q.E Hospital - Welyn Garden City. I was assessed and about 10 hours later was taken all the way to Lister Hospital - Stevenage. Later on that day I got transfered once again, back to Watford Hospital - Watford.
Thats 3 pyschiatric hospitals in just under a day.

Because of all the mess ups with bed allocations and the fact that I was taken everywhere, ment the hospitals didnt had my medication, so not only was I ill because of the overdose. I had not had my meds in 2 days. Im on clozapine and if you miss it 3 days, you have to start again from bottom dosage.

Anyway.....as usual I was kicking off, and I got sectioned, but it was lifted because my Dad explained to the doctor why I was ill. (Lack of medication)

So Im out of hospital. And things are not much better. Im trying. But today I feel like doing a runner and taking an overdose with alcohol.

Im really serious about it, but I dont want to cause any more trouble.

I dont know what to do. I feel so depressed and suicidal. I hate my self and the more I think about it, the more guilty I feel.

I just want to curl up and die without causing a fuss and without anyone paying me any attention. I just want to slip away.

I dont know what the fuck to do, I want to run, but I dont want fuss.

I need help. But at the same time I dont want help. I really want to end my life. I cant express how much I feel excited about dieing.

I think in a couple of weeks I could be dead. And I pray that I will be dead.


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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Whisperer Offline
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Re: Feel Like Running... (Long)...No-one Cares - March 15th 2010, 06:08 PM

Jaymi,
People do care, I care, your family cares, every one on TH cares. You aren't alone, we are always here for you. I'm sorry to hear you've been through so much lately, but Jaymi, it's all going to be okay. The big thing you're saying is you don't want fuss. Well pretty much anything you do is going to cause fuss. ESPECIALLY if you kill yourself. Everyone would be completely devastated and miss you so much. What you need to do is tell people exactly how you feel. Tell your support worker, tell your parents, tell everyone. The more people that know, the more people who can help. And when they offer help, accept it. I know sometimes you may just want to be left alone, but if you think about, accepting help is what will make you feel better. It may take some time, but you will get there. Remember, since your meds were recently altered, that could be what's causing some of these feelings. Hang in there and after the meds are going steady and start to work, you'll feel better. You aren't alone, we do care, and I love you to death. Please don't kill yourself.

Alessa


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If I can make it out, you can too.
   
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Re: Feel Like Running... (Long)...No-one Cares - March 15th 2010, 06:34 PM

I have to agree, Jaymi. Your meds take time to take afect and sometimes at first they may make us feel worse then when we started them. But just give it time, and if nothing gets better, tell your support worker, doctor, dad, someone who can help you. Please don't kill yourself, we need you.

I'm here for you if you need anything.

Positivity.


We are a thousand voices strong.
We are each girl who sings this song.
We are a beauty thatís our own.
And we are.
And we are.
So beautiful.
--Superchick
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Jacksonian Offline
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Re: Feel Like Running... (Long)...No-one Cares - March 20th 2010, 04:42 PM

Hello there Jaymi. Well not much can be said except to tell you to pray instead that things be made better and not that you be dead. In addition to this, I want to encourage you to practise self control and do your best on your part to refuse those thoughts of doing those things.


I came here to help out, so if you wanna talk or just need someone to bounce ideas or issues off of or something else then send me a message and I will reply as soon as I can.
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
MadPoet Offline
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Outside, huh?
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Re: Feel Like Running... (Long)...No-one Cares - March 20th 2010, 08:04 PM

Jaymi,

I don't know that there is much I can say, because I know that your decision is going to be your own, and once you set your mind to something like this there's not much anyone can do in order to change it. It's unfair that you have had to deal with all that you've been through in the past few years, or during your whole lifetime. It's unfair that you've been given so many difficulties, but at the same time I feel it's so amazing that you've been able to overcome them.

At the end of the day, you're still here. You might see that as a negative, but I see it as such a positive. At the end of the day, you're more than a girl who has depression, or any other mental disorder. You're a girl who has a life, who has hope, and who has the possibility to be happy. There is much more than depression Jaymi, there is so much more you can achieve.

I like to look at it like potential energy. Right at this moment, you're being pushed down by gravity. Therefore, you have potential energy. You have the potential to fall through the floor, to jump, to move. But that's not the only potential you have. You have the potential to live, to smile, to love, to laugh, to dream, etc. If there's one thing I learned in science class, and in life, it's that we ALL have potential.

But if you choose to kill yourself, you won't have that potential any longer. You won't have hope, you won't be able to pursue happiness, you won't be able to smile, to laugh... you'll have nothing. And I'm guessing that when you feel depressed, Jaymi, that is exactly how you feel. As if you have nothing. No potential, no hope, nothing.

But the only time you have absolutely nothing going for you is when you're dead.
So why take everything away from yourself?

Sure your death would mean the end to potential pain, to potential hospital visits. But what else would it be ending? What positive things would it be ending? When you die, you don't get to pick and choose what goes with you. You have nothing. You lose everything. Sure, some things might be gained. But why leave your life unfinished? Why die without the satisfaction of living? Why die incomplete? Why, with your own hands, completely kill off your potential?

Many people care for you Jaymi, and I know I speak the truth... because I am one of them. Things might not be perfect right now, but things can change. Life can change, and sometimes it only takes a split second. You have hope, and that hope isn't going to leave you. I remember coming across a quote that stated "Hope never leaves us. We leave hope." Don't leave your hope behind, because it is always on your side. And so are all of us.

I'm always here if you need me, as you know. Stay brave! I believe in you.





A lonely soul in a land of broken hearts


   
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