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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Ella.x Offline
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Exclamation The end is isn't far away - March 18th 2010, 07:28 PM

I'm gonna do something soon. I can feel it - and I'm either gonna end up dead or being sectioned. My mood swings are getting more and more intense. Today I've gone from depressed to manic to ridiculously angry to suicidal. Nothing feels real anymore. It feels like I'm in a dream or on drugs or something.

I think I'm starting to see things too. Only for a few seconds at most but it's freaking me out. Like, I'll glance down and see blood all over my arms but when I look properly, it's gone, and I'll see spiders crawling out of the walls and stuff. I feel like I'm going crazy.

I'm not in control of this anymore. I'm failing uni because I just don't do the work. I've been to 2 out of 10 lectures so far this week. I can't do it. I wake up from my dreams not knowing whether they were real or not. I go from completely idolising someone one minute to hating them the next for absolutely no reason. My cutting is getting bad again. I have scars on almost every body part that you can cut (thighs, ankles, arms, wrists, stomach, breats). It's ridiculous. I'm going to run out of apce soon, I'm already cutting over old scarsw. My drinking was getting bad but I stopped it before it could screw me up again.

I'm seeing my counsellor on wednesday and my psychiatrist next friday, but I have no idea how they can help me. I'm beyond the point of being able to accept help now. There is only 1 possible outcome from this situation - suicide. Whether I fail or not is the only unknown. I know it's going to happen soon, I just don't know when. Someone help me please? I'm so scared.
   
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Re: The end is isn't far away - March 18th 2010, 07:45 PM

You must have something, somebody, to live for... hold on to them! I don't know what else I can say other than fight it! Fight it as hard as you can, and talk to whoever will listen.
I'm sorry I can't be of more help... if for any reason you feel like PM-ing me, just if you want to talk or something, absolutely do...


It's no surprise that you'll soon forget about me
   
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Re: The end is isn't far away - March 18th 2010, 11:00 PM

There is no-one left. They all just take advantage of me and then leave. I can't do this anymore.
   
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Re: The end is isn't far away - March 19th 2010, 03:49 PM

oh god. I put a repeat prescription into the doctors on tuesday for my anti-depressants. I went in today to collect it and they told me i have to see the doctor to get the prescription. The pharmacist was like "oh I tried to ring you on wednesday but I couldn't get through". I ran out of my pills yesterday! I'm already starting to get withdrawal symptoms. I can't get an appointment till monday afternoon. I have to go through 3 more days of withdrawal symptoms. I can't deal with this. I'm trying to keep calm because I know getting worked up about it will only make things worse, but I honestly don't know how I'm going to deal with this.
   
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Re: The end is isn't far away - March 19th 2010, 07:35 PM

Ella,
You CAN do this, just stay strong. I think you should call your doctor and talk to them about getting the prescription sooner. They would understand I'm sure as no one wants you in any more pain than you are already in. Also, although it may not seem like it, some of your withdrawal symtoms may be only mental. Like your mind is freaking out because you haven't been taking the anti-depressents when really your body is OK. If things get too bad, don't be afraid to go into the hospital and let them know what's going on. It's not worth all this extra suffering if you can get rid of it. Hang in there and keep your head up, it'll all be okay.
Stay strong,
Alessa


Whatever it is, chances are I've been there.
If I can make it out, you can too.
   
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Re: The end is isn't far away - March 20th 2010, 02:57 AM

You should definitly call your doctor Im pretty sure they will make you an earlier appointment so that you can start back on your medication.I think that if your really want help you will talk to your therapist and Im pretty sure you will get the best help.
   
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Re: The end is isn't far away - March 20th 2010, 06:13 PM

Ella I haven't talked to you in a while but please don't go.. I know it doesn't feel okay but everything will be okay. Really. Please hold on. PM me if you want to talk. I'm here and I am scared too but we can be scared together.
   
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Re: The end is isn't far away - March 22nd 2010, 11:32 AM

i died on monday i took an overdose of 600mg ibrufen 30tabs nore than anyone should have an slit my wrist down if it wasent for mum i would be still dead its not the first time and might not be the last HELP
   
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Re: The end is isn't far away - March 22nd 2010, 04:25 PM

Just been to the doctors and the pharmacist days she has order in my meds. Another frigging day without my anti depressants - brilliant. Screw it. It's not like anyone gives a shit. I may as well just kill myself now. I am a pathetic waste of space.
   
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Re: The end is isn't far away - March 22nd 2010, 06:44 PM

Ella, we care about you. It's not worth it. You've come this far!!! You can make it through one more day! I know you can, believe in you! You are not a waste of space. You are a beautiful, intelligent, and amazing young woman. And you tell yourself that because it's true.
Stay strong <3

Alessa


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If I can make it out, you can too.
   
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Re: The end is isn't far away - March 22nd 2010, 07:15 PM

I don't know what I'm going to do when I get my meds tomorrow. The doctor has given me 4 weeks worht of them. I think I'm gonna overdose. I honestly cannot handle this anymore. This is the worst I've felt in such a long time. I have no future anyways. I'm going to get kicked out of uni. I'm failing in all of my modules. I can't deal with all the assignments and exams and class tests. I can't do it. I cut myself. I didn't work. I've been sitting here slapping myself round face for the past 10 minutes. I can't stop. I need to hurt. I need to feel something. I don't know what to do.
   
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Re: The end is isn't far away - March 23rd 2010, 04:38 AM

I remember when I was failing university because of severe depression. I felt like it was the end of my world. I felt like I had no chance in competing in a vicious world when I couldn't pass my classes. My parents were on vacation and I felt I had no one to talk to. I had a plan to kill myself but I decided to see my psychiatrist first. She decided that I should be brought off my medication and onto another one and I should stay in the hospital until it was done. I followed her advice and it ended up saving my life. University is stressful and can become outright impossible when you're trying to juggle schoolwork and a mental health condition. If I can give some advice it would be this:

1. Take the time you need to get better: Taking a year off from my job and university was the best decision I ever made. It didn't solve everything, but it helped me remove some sources of worry from my life so I could concentrate on getting better. My university (and I'm sure it would be similar for yours) let me get most of my enrollment back and I received no academic penalties because I was withdrawing for medical reasons. I know it might not be as easy for you to take time off than it was for me, but even withdrawing from one class you're sure you might fail is better than holding on and doing harm to yourself. I thought that taking time off was admitting failure, but I healed a lot during my time off and I was able to return back to studies with a much better support system. I think it's unrealistic to push yourself through university while suffering through sever mental health conditions like the ones you have. In the end, a university education means very little to your quality of life if you're suffering like this. Dropping university isn't the end of the world, sometimes your personal well being is much more important.

2. Get the help you need: You're already doing a good job of this by getting help from your doctor and this forum, but if you need more help there are always other options that you might not think of. You can always ask your doctor (I'm assuming your seeing a GP) to refer you to a specialist like a psychiatrist. Sometimes GPs don't know how to properly deal with analysing mood disorders and prescribing the proper medication. There are also support systems set up in universities for students with mood disorders and mental health conditions. You can see a councilor at your university, they can often help put things in better perspective academics-wise. You could also join a disability services program at your university, you usually need your doctor to sign a statement with a diagnosis of your mental health conditions. I am part of a disabilities services program and they allow things like note-takers and extended assignment due dates if your condition causes you to miss classes. It's also helpful to talk with your professors about troubles you are having. They are very understanding. In short, really ask your doctor about referrals to specialists and programs that are there to help you. There are a lot of services and people out there and it's really hard to get in touch with them if you don't ask.

3. Find someone you can talk to: This kind of falls in the realm of the second tip, though this person doesn't have to be a medical professional. Everyone needs someone they can confide in. It's really tough finding someone sometimes, but any sort of contact can do a world of good. When I left the hospital, a lot of my friends sort of disappeared and I felt so alone, but every day I walked dogs with another boy in my neighbourhood and it helped me so much. I also relied a lot on my mom. Your parents are always there for you and even if they might not be able to understand your pain, they'll help you in any way they can. After I left the hospital I found that my reality had become more daunting than comforting. My mom helped me to organize myself and get things done that I needed to do. I also joined a group therapy session for anxiety and I met a lot of people there that were able to understand what I was going through. I found some friends there that helped me on the road to recovery.

These are only a few things that helped me, but there are even more things out there for you! It was really, really hard for me to start taking these steps and seeing the people and attending the programs that I needed. At first it felt like more work and it really stressed me out, but I reached out to my family and friends and they were there for me, maybe not all of them, but there are always those that will stick by you, you just have to ask. You can always PM me if you want to talk or have any questions. We're all here for you Ella.
   
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