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LiEs Offline
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Meh. - March 21st 2010, 04:39 AM

I dunno, I just don't really feel like living.
So many problems, not much help being gotten, and when I do try and get help it doesn't seem to do anything.

So from the beginning, I've had a lot of problems, from childhood abuse and neglect, to common everyday issues. One of the main issues at the moment is my compulsive lying I suppose.. I've been lying ever since I was little, and back then it was a coping mechanism out of fear, now it's a problem I can't get rid of no matter how much I hate myself for it. As of recently it's become more of a problem because I have been caught repeatedly, and now that people know I'm such a liar bad things have been happening. I've always loathed myself for the stupid things I've done, but I'm more sick than ever of being such a greedy, lying, miserable excuse of a human being. I know a hundred ways I could kill myself with the objects just around me and my computer desk, because whenever I enter a room it's one of the first things that pops into my head nowadays. I notice all the things around me, and then I start thinking about how I could just end it right then and there, with various outcomes and different ways to make people react. Like if I wanted to make it obvious that I killed myself, or make it look like an accident.

Getting a bit off topic there.. But another problem has just been life. It's stressful, frustrating, depressing, annoying, burdensome, and it would just be so much easier to take a quick nap in a sealed off container, sleeping my way to death peacefully. It's just so damn alkjsdfhkajshdlfkjashfdkhlkhsda!!! I just hate it, hate myself, and hate the stupid things in the world... I'm not a self harmer, because I see no point in that. I tried it, and it does nothing for me because I don't care if I'm bleeding or in pain, it's fun! But it's not like I'm going to go and off myself in a few minutes. Right now I'm on a very rickety support system consisting of friends. Or to put it in nerdy terms, it's like having a set amount of lives through a game, those lives being my close friends. Right now I'm pretty sure I'm down to my last life, and I never know how close or far away I am to losing it. I have so many problems I can't even believe it until someone else confronts me about it. Apparently I could be some effing genius with perfect grades, but I'm lazy and unmotivated. I know more about sex than most adults and have since I was 10, or possibly before. I'm still a liar despite how hard I tell myself I'm trying to change. I'm greedy beyond all belief, as in I can ask for a three hundred dollar piece of electronics from one of the nicest people I know just because I know he'll get it for me with promises of "Oh don't worry, I'll pay it back soon!" while knowing I'll never get the money. And I can look a best friend in the eyes, lie, and then act like a Broadway star with tears running down my cheeks to get them to believe me and pity me with no feelings of remorse until confronted, when a lot of the time it never happens. Hell, I'll make up a load of bull just to get some pity and attention, and I can pull it off too with all the experience I've gained over the years!

I want to change, but I don't want to wait for the eternity it'll take, because by the time I do change I'll have lost the last person that means anything to me because they can't trust anything I say. I hate this all, and I just want to get this life over with.

Can anybody talk to me about any of this..? Any help would be nice..
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Whisperer Offline
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Re: Meh. - March 21st 2010, 06:07 PM

Hey there,

It does sound like you've been through a lot. Great job reaching out to us and asking for some help! You should be proud of yourself! I know how hard life can be at times, but that doesn't mean we have to give into it. You have to set your mind and tell yourself you are stronger. And you have to believe it. You said you don't have a very strong support system. Well you can change that! Talk to your family, talk to your friends, find a therapist, anything more will be good because it's all to help you! Don't be embaressed to reach out, everyone has times where they can't get through things alone, and that's okay. You just have to accept that and be willing to work at it. Yes, it may take the time, but if your friends are really your friends, they will wait for you. If not, you can find new friends that will wait for you and be there for you.

As for lying, a therapist can help you with that too. I think you need to take things slow and think about what you are going to say before you say it. Force yourself to slow down conversations and make yourself tell the truth before you answer. What taught me not to be greedy was visiting a homeless shelter. I tutored kids there and realize how lucky I was to simply have a roof over my head and a notebook for school. I think you should try volunteering for a few reasons. It's a great feeling helping others and it really makes you feel better about yourself. And also, you can learn about how others live and see how lucky you really are. Suicide is not the answer. You have to think of all the people who love you and care about you. They would be horrified and I'm sure they'll be willing to help you now before you even get to that point.

I'm always here if you'd like to talk. Don't hesitate to PM me.

Stay strong,

Whatever it is, chances are I've been there.
If I can make it out, you can too.
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