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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Oddoneout Offline
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Name: Daniel
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is it even possible - March 21st 2010, 05:40 AM

to recover from this

when I was a kid I struggled allot in school it was obvious to everyone my weakness so being kids they took every opportunity to makefun/harass me I hated everyone teachers tried to help but made it worse I was paranoid and it looked like they were trying to make it worse

at home it was no better my sister has a mental disability so any problem I had seemed so small in my parents eyes that they got angry when I came to them

I have never before, never since, I can't imagine ever in the future ever feeling anything more powerful then the hate I had for everyone I can't describe it I wanted everyone to die, hate was the most prominent feeling and my closest friend

every emotion I showed everything I ever said was turned against me so I learned to blend in, show no emotion they are seen as weakness, say nothing anything you say will be used against you, trust no one they would hurt you if you show weakness
thats how it was grade 1 to 8 I changed schools after grade 5 but that just gave me a chance to hide completely where no one knew me and no one had anything they could use against

in high school I forgot my hate my anger all I had was frustration and depression
I forgave people who played a part in this they aren't even the same people anymore my parents are better
I never truly forgave my sister even tho she didn't cause most of it and she is alot better now I can't help be feel anger whenever I hear or see her she was the symbol for my problems

other then that I can't get angry at much anymore everything seems too small to get angry at even if I know I should

I still can't trust people with emotions or words I have friends but only because they don't mind my silence too much and they are always on the other side of a glass wall

is it even possible to change something when it has been a part of who you are for so long I don't even remember a time before I was like this

and if it is possible would I still be me? this is the biggest part of me if I lose it what am I? who would I become?


wanna talk?

AIM: oddoneout667
MSN: dancl667@hotmail.com

with or without religion a good person will do good and an evil one will do evil
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Re: is it even possible - March 21st 2010, 02:00 PM

Hey there Daniel,

It's great that you're reaching out for help and that you're posting here, so well done, you should be proud of yourself for making that step forward.

To answer your initial question, it is definitely possible to recover from this, even if it may be difficult and require a lot of time and strength. However, if you truly do want to get better, it is very worthwhile and possible.
It sounds as though you have been through a lot and different things that have had a negative effect upon you. There's a lot of things that have gone on and it may be a good idea to try and work through the memories and effects of those situations and problems one at a time. Perhaps with someone to help and support you through your problems would help you, whether it is your parents or a counsellor. Talking through these things could really help you understand what's gone on and ease you through the problems you've got with your words and trust issues.

Take care.
   
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Re: is it even possible - March 29th 2010, 03:07 AM

Hey man, sounds a lot like what I went through making me extremely introverted. It took me a LONG TIME to be able to finally open up to other people and start to trust them. It's not easy because I always become paranoid that people are going to turn against me at any moment. I never even knew my parents too because they threw me away like a lot of others in school and elsewhere for a while. I'd say starting off being thrown away has definitely made things harder - that's why bands have a lot of songs about difficulty trusting people, I've looked and they also come from a broken home. Kinda a symptom, I guess...

I'm slowly starting to become better. Trying to learn to open myself up more. Alcohol (I hate that I have to say this) has gotten me to open up A LOT to my friends and the more times I've experienced opening up to people - the more natural it becomes sober too.

In learning to trust girls, I found a girl in class that I really relate to and are able to communicate with. I've found myself backing away and becoming scared still at times. But, she stays there with me showing me that not all people are bad. She's slowly healing me, even if she doesn't know how important a role she's been playing in my recovery process.

So the best advice I can give is start drinking (once again, I hate to say this but it worked that part of me) and try to find a person in your life who you can trust, lean on and have them help you. I liken it to be handicapped - in order to get over it, you need a shoulder/s to lean on just like a person trying to walk for the first time in years.

Throw yourself into areas you won't be comfortable in at first as well. When I move, I'm forcing myself to get a roommate because while I know it'll be difficult for me to come to trusting a stranger - I know that I'll meet others through that and make another friend. I also have the one friend I have at college (in four years) who lives out in California who I've asked to introduce me to his friends that live out there. Thus, expanding and coming to hopefully trust more people.

It's all about branching off, throwing yourself in there no matter how afraid you are, and FORCING yourself to stay there. The process is slow, but it IS the way out. It took me years to find this though dude, years I've lost - wouldn't want to see someone else go through that. So, that's it, that's what I found - a key... from one chained introvert to another.
   
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