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Saraphin Offline
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Name: Elle
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Location: U.S.

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Join Date: March 23rd 2010

Praying for Help - March 23rd 2010, 04:25 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I don't enjoy asking from another to help, but I honestly don't think I can deal with this alone and in need of it. My problem is, I don't know who to go to, and I don't want to be in a hospital anymore.

All at once, I've watched everything start to crumble in my life. Its been a constant thing in my life: Abusive family, lived on my own since 16, not social what so ever, in fact I have a huge comfort problem with people because of my dad. I had been nearly raped in high school, anorexic my elementary years due to my family, so my health isn't all to good as it is. I've been trying to get better, so don't get me wrong on that :P

My situation now is this,
  • I had a friend I pretty much was told from my [fiance] to completely have his life out of mine. However, after a month of that, I learned I couldn't handle not talking to my friend for a day the hard way and was a mental wreck until I had a friend willing to go between me and him for conversation. It made me feel better. But then my [fiance] found him on the same online game I played and made a big commotion about us being on the same Vent server publicly. And then tries to banned my friend from my life. (Whom I've known for twice as long as I've known my [fiance])
  • I also learned, now the hard way, I cannot deal with not talking to my [fiance], who tonight decided to completely destroy whatever hope I had tonight. Aims to get drunk, completely forget about me, etc. Because I'm not open as much as he wants me to. I get intimidated easily, and he knows this. I'm very passive and I hate arguing. When any form of tone is used on me, I get quiet and uncomfortable. This is because of my dad. He doesn't seem to at all understand what I've gone through in my life, or show consideration.
  • Before tonight's issue, we had a moving problem. I own a house, I can't afford to move, or be in Debt anymore than I had been from the medical bills on one credit card and court from a summer credit fraud on another. I also have a little brother with Downsyndome whom I'm a co-guardian of. If my mom were to die, I take care of him. And he's like my own child, you can even ask my friends around me on how much he means to me - I can't separate from him. But all my [fiance] has is a schooling program to attend to out of state, but he cannot be at a distance from me. I'm on health insurance I can't afford to lose from my job, which I work full time. He's living with his family rent-free while attending school. But it feels like he's trying to control my life right now ever since this program got 'to his head'. Making me feel like I have to move, and that's the only option in order to make the relationship work. Where would I be staying? With an ex, not with him because his parents are heavy religous and don't approve sharing a bed (which hey I don't mind, but they don't have a spare bedroom for me) and 10k in debt. Before 20. Anytime I bring it up for convo, its pressured on me like I'm in the better to move.
  • My brother's health is tumbling, severely. Doctors are unsure how long they can keep a hole in his heart from opening more. He's already had 4 surgeries on it recently.
  • My family is in consideration of taking my grandpa off support if he goes into the hospital one more time. Since his Chemo and such, he hasn't done well with his cancer, and most of my family has given up...

This is just the start of everything that's been going on here, and I'm not sure what to do. I'm afraid of losing myself and committing suicide because of the heavy emotions right now, and I know I'm not always mentally stable. I'm afraid to go into a clinic if ones nearby, and I don't want to end up in the hospital...I feel like I'm losing people right and left, and I already just lost two of the closest people in my life, soon to be two more. Who are the only people I stuck my life around for since I was younger...
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Whisperer Offline
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Re: Praying for Help - March 23rd 2010, 06:56 PM

Hey Elle,
Sounds like you've been through a lot in your life time. But suicide isn't the answer to anything. Think of how much your brother, fiance, friends, and family would be hurt! They need you! Suicide is a permanent "solution" to a temporary problem. Becuase you WILL get through this, it's just a rough time. I think you need to sit down and talk things through with your fiance. Honestly, if he can't understand how much pain you are in and not offer to help you, he's not worth it. You need someone who will stick by your side and not turn against you. I know how hard it is to leave him but it's not worth all the pain he is causing in your life. Especially with your long time friend. Definately keep talking to him about everything and try to get him to understand so he can help. Don't be afraid to reach out and get help. You can talk to your friends or family. Even if you were hospitalized, it would be to make you feel better and keep you safe. It's a good thing although it may seem kind of scary. I'm always here if you want to talk.
Stay strong,


Whatever it is, chances are I've been there.
If I can make it out, you can too.
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