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Anomaly Offline
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Im Struggling - March 26th 2010, 11:03 PM

So I havent posted on these forums in so long asking for help. I feel kinda bad doing so.

But Im struggling so much right now and I cant even explain why. I have this adult friend that I tell basically everything to and im talking to her about this but I just dont know what to say.

Its just all the same and shes heard it before, I just dont want to say it anymore. All I want is for it to stop you know?

But I'll explain to you guys how im feeling the best I can.

I go through this constant cylce. I get a little better and then I'll get worse again. It happens every single time I become happy. This time I was happy for awhile actually the longest I've been in i dont even know its been so long. But what do you know there getting bad again and since they were good longer there going to get really really bad. I am not allowed to be happy. I dont know. I dont know if I did something and im being punished or what but I cant stay happy.

Its been 6ish months self harm free. And my urges actually went away! I know thats hard to believe but I didnt have any urges for weeks at a time. Now there back full force and I just want to cut so bad. This is the only thing I cant tell my adult friend because then she'll tell my parents. I know you guys are going to say maybe I should tell my parents but thats out of the question.

I just want to stop hurting and I want to start wanting to live again instead of this constant feeling in the back of my head saying that Im better off dead.

Sorry for the rant. :\

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Re: Im Struggling - March 26th 2010, 11:09 PM

Do you believe there is a greater power, toying with us and playing with our happiness and sadness like that? It may be true, but it may not either.. But one thing to know for sure, is that you do have control over how you feel and whether you want to be happy or not.

I mean, let's face it, unhappiness and pain and sadness are all part of life too. And without them happiness wouldn't exist. The thing is, when you are happy, happiness is constant until something happens to break that flow. Then you are unhappy. Then, the flow of unhappiness is constant until it is broken as well, and then you are happy again. it can be broken in lots of ways, like random mood shifts or events... who knows how it happens but it does.

Aside from waiting until you feel happy again, you can do what you can for now to make yourself happy. Thats what you can do. Don't rely on other people or God or anyone else to control your emotions. You are more powerful than that.

You were happy for the longest time, and that doesn't have to stop here.

Click here to PM me any time, I'm here to help you if you want to talk to someone.

Beware lest you lose the substance, by grasping at the shadow. - The Dog and the Shadow, Aesop
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Re: Im Struggling - March 27th 2010, 04:40 PM

^ Ah, lovely post. I have to agree. (:

With that said, I'm sorry that you're not doing so well, Kendi. It's frustrating to be in an amazing mood for such a long time and think you're to "that point" and then something just triggers a negative mood and you kind of relapse back for a little bit. Shaun is right now, though, your good mood certainly doesn't have to stop here. Fighting through and pushing through the good times make you strong (as I believe that every experience we have, no matter how big or how small, affects us in some way), but fighting through the hard times like this is what will TRULY make you stronger. This kind of deal is what shapes you into who you are a couple of months down the road. It will shape your decision making and will certainly strengthen your ability to cope with things. It will give you a good basis with which you'll pull amazing advice for others and share your own experiences and give people the hope that it's possible to get through and maybe be at the point that you'll be at.

I'm glad you have someone (particularly a trusted adult someone!) who you're able to talk to. It's inspiring to see so many others who believe that talking is such a good means of releasing emotions. It's healthy, and I hope you'll continue to talk with this person. Open conversation is an incredible tool. In the meantime, I'm sorry that the urges are back. You don't need self harming in your life, though, Kendi, because right now the ball is in your court and you DO have control and you're exercising it as I type this, and I just find that a little bit amazing. (: Hang in there, and push through this. I truly believe there are greener pastures ahead.

Take good care of yourself.

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