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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
UltraViolet Offline
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Name: Lea
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Soon - March 29th 2010, 04:46 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

its got to happen soon
even though i know im posting, its just cos i have no where to turn
no where else to say these thoughts
iv got to die
i need to
i cant keep on, honestly this is the most serious i've been in my life, and i have tried to kill myself before
and iv never felt as certain as this
im a discusting horrible person, and i cant change
im to depressed to even look at myself, or to look anyone in the eye
i hate everything in my past, that i cannot forget
i hate the people around me
i hate the things that are to come
and i dont want it anymore i dont want this life, or any life
i know its selfish, but the people around me, would honestly have a better life without me
ive never felt this shit before, and thats fucking saying something...

'thanks to you i never trusted...'
- Boy Kill Boy

This depression is a killer...
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
dr2005 Offline
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Join Date: February 14th 2010

Re: Soon - March 29th 2010, 10:18 PM

Hey Lea,

I'm really sorry you feel this way at the moment, and I mean that sincerely - not just as a throwaway remark to make you feel better. What you have been through and are still going through sounds incredibly difficult to deal with, so I can understand how you have got to this stage. I've been suicidal in the past and it never happens without a reason.

I don't know you well enough to be able to make indepth comments, but judging from what I've been able to see from the forums I certainly wouldn't say you're a "disgusting horrible person" by any means. Your posts on other people's problems say to me that you're someone who cares about other people and can empathise with their problems, and is quick to offer suggestions to help solve them. That to my mind is not "disgusting" - it's very admirable indeed. It may be hard for you to see it because of what you've been through, and I understand that, but believe me when I say that it sounds like you are a good person. I don't have to say that, remember - I'm a complete stranger. It's the fact that you are able to reach out to other people, in spite of the fact that you're struggling with your own problems, that leads me to that conclusion.

Insofar as your past and the people around you are concerned, I'm sorry that they seem to be causing you so much pain. You sound like you've had a rough ride up to this point, and none of it is your fault which makes it more difficult to deal with. It also makes it very difficult to forget. However, that does not mean that your future is going to be the same way, or that the people around you are always going to act in this way. When I was in secondary school, my life was frankly pretty shit and with all the abuse and crap that was coming my way I thought carrying on was a waste of time and that things would never get better. Eight years down the line, I met some great people, went to university, fell in love, did things I never thought I could and graduated with a Law degree near the top of my class. I never would have thought any of that was possible when I was considering killing myself - but it all did happen, and if it can happen to me it can happen to anyone. Hope is a very difficult thing to hold onto sometimes, but things can improve when you least expect it. The thing to remember is that your past is exactly that - the past. It has brought you to this point in your life, but where you go from here is up to you, and you can change if you want to. You may need some support to do so - I know I did at times - but change can happen and I believe you have just as much chance as anyone of getting to the point where you are content, meet good people and can look to the future with hope. Again, I'm not just saying that.

Above all else, know that you ending your life would not make life better for anyone, however strongly you may feel it would. It never does. It has a substantial impact on people, as I've seen when serving at funerals at church, and the most frequently expressed feeling is regret at things unsaid. I know how overbearing life can be sometimes and the things it makes you want to do, but believe me when I say that these moments can and do pass, no matter how insurmountable they seem. If they didn't, I wouldn't be here writing this message - end of. You can get through this, like you've gotten through so much before - you've just got to believe in your own worth as a person, and you DO have worth.

As a final means of proving this, I thought I'd quote a couple of your previous posts. Hope you don't mind.

"hiya babe, take a breath...you are going to get through this...you are strong, you have reached out right now, right at the point that you were thinking that this was the only way out, you turned to TH.
You deserve help, not just of this site."

"and you dont want to, your telling us on TH now, becasue you know that you dont have to do this
you know that you have enough fight in you to get past tommrow and beyond
stay strong you can get through this"

If you want to talk feel free to PM me. Take care.
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Soon - March 30th 2010, 01:16 PM

hey hun, i hope you're safe... *hugs* like dave said, you're a person who's caring and i can see that the world needs more people like you now, more than ever!
don't give up... just one more day. one day at a time.. you'd make it through.
i don't have much words to say but i just really pray that you'd be able to tide through this (:
think about it... wat would you say if you were someone else reading your post? listen to what you say. (:
i can really relate to what you're saying in that post.. and i just want to tell you that you're not alone. and also that it's possible to be free from that. i used to feel that way every second of my life. and now, i just slip back once in a while but otherwise, the kind of freedom without those thoughts is worth the fight.
take care

and the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says "do not be afraid"
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
UltraViolet Offline
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Re: Soon - March 30th 2010, 03:12 PM

thanks you to Dave and floatingangel, you said some really nice things.
truth is, i care to much about people, far too much.
i want others to be happy, but myself? nah.
its that 'moment' where its over.
i know theres nothing more, nothing new coming
last night, all i wanted was my mum to talk to me i asked her to
she was to busy, we argued, she saw me crying in the kitcein, but she wasnt bothered
we argued again upstairs, i ended up crying on the floor i felt so weak.
she went away
all i kept repeating to myself was 'please, please, all i want it a hug, help me mum'
but if i had asked her. i know she wouldnt of anyway, she only takes notice of me when im shouting and swearing, she doesnt understand, she doesnt want to c whats staring her in the face
i was shaking, sitting on the floor rocking back and forth so upset i could hardly breath.
i went to the bathroom, with my scalpal, and cut my arm, but it didnt work.
i felt no differnt, iv run out of room
i took the blade to my leg and slashed my leg
one went really quite deep, it throbs this morning, still bleeding
all i want to do is cry
and i cannot do this behavioural activation that my threapist wants me to do
i cannot get better, because ive lost the hope, ive lost the fight

'thanks to you i never trusted...'
- Boy Kill Boy

This depression is a killer...
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Soon - March 30th 2010, 07:16 PM

I'm sorry your mum wasn't able to support you when you needed her - it's hard enough to manage these things when you have support, but when it fails you really do feel lost. As perverse as it probably sounds, her seemingly callous response is probably down to the fact that she doesn't know what to do - obviously it's no consolation or help for me to say that, but hopefully it helps explain why she isn't able to help as she should. That doesn't make it right, I hasten to add.

I can understand where you're coming from in caring more about other people than yourself - I've put myself in that position many times, often acting as a sort of counsellor/watchman for people when times have been tough, sometimes at the expense of my own wellbeing. The thing is, if you look at it entirely objectively (which I know is hard, but bear with me ) you have just as much right to be happy as everyone else. Just as much as you want other people to be happy, other people by way of the same thought process want you to be happy, as floatingangel rightly pointed out, and there's nothing in what you've said to suggest that you don't deserve happiness. You sound like someone who could offer a lot to the world, and opportunities to show the world what you can do will come - the future is always full of possibilities, even if they're sometimes hard to find. Hope is also sometimes hard to find - I've had a patch recently where my hope pretty much vanished, and it's a pretty horrible feeling. But I've come through the worst of it now, and have been able to see the positives amongst the negative things which have happened. The same thing can happen for you too - it isn't easy by any means, but it is worth keeping up the fight for.

If you're finding the behavioural activation hard to handle, or struggling generally, then this is the time to make your therapist aware of it. There are a number of other types of third-generation behavioural therapy available to try, and there are other options beyond that as well. As much as your therapist may want you to do it, at the same time if it's really not something you are happy with then they will try something else and see how that works. They will quite happily keep doing this until they find the right fit for you, because ultimately they want you to get better. So if you tell them that this treatment isn't right for you, it'll get you closer to one that will. You will find a way to get through this with their help.

On the subject of the cut on your leg, I would recommend getting it checked out at A&E if it's still bleeding - there are some major nerves and blood vessels in that area so it's worth getting checked to make sure they're all okay. Other than that, I will repeat that you deserve to be happy as much as anyone else, and that you can get through this. We're all here for you if you need us, remember that.

"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." - Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom

However bleak things seem, however insurmountable the darkness appears, remember that you have worth and nothing can take that away.

Originally Posted by OMFG!You'reActuallySmart! View Post
If you're referring to dr2005's response, it's not complex, however, he has a way with words .
RIP Nick
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Soon - April 1st 2010, 12:04 AM


It's not worth it. So many people care about you and you have to believe in yourself. You WILL get through this. You mean so much to so many people, including me. You CAN keep fighting! I know you can! You just have to convince yourself you can. Don't give up, it's not the right thing to do and you know that. That's why you are posting now. Because you have doubts and you just want someone to magically make you feel better. I wish I could do that. But honestly, all I can do is give you my advice. And it's up to you whether or not you take that advice to heart and try it out. I believe in you, you just need to have more faith in yourself. Rather then thinking about all the things you don't like about yourself, think about all the things you like about yourself and write them all down! Like you are beautiful, helpful, an amazing person, a great friend, a strong woman, and really sweet. Then you just need to hang that up so you'll see all the positive qualities about yourself during the worst of times.

But you aren't alone. Remember that. You are not selffish, just going through a rough time right now. But Leah, sit down and think. Think about every person in your life. Think about how much they love you. Picture how devasted they would be if you killed yourself. It's almost unimaginable, that's why you need to imagine it. You wouldn't be solving any problems in your own life, and you would be hurting so many people. Some may not even be able to live a regular life afterwards because the pain is so great. That's why you need to reach out and tell people! Tell your therapist you are very serious. Tell your mom you are ready to die. Tell you friends, teachers, doctors, everyone. The more people you tell, the better they'll be able to help you and the faster. You can do this Leah. I know you can. I'm always here for you and I'm never going to give up on you.

Stray strong,

<3 Alessa

Whatever it is, chances are I've been there.
If I can make it out, you can too.
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