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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
i_am_me_again Offline
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Am I bad? - March 29th 2010, 06:24 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Im having intense thoughts of brutally killing people, then hanging myself.......am I bad?

Is this normal?

I know I shouldnt think like this...but its like someone is controlling my brain, making me think these thoughts..........its not in my control.....I feel out of my body and I just want to murder people....then commit suicide.

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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Am I bad? - March 29th 2010, 09:46 PM

Hey Jaymi,

First off, I'm sorry to hear you're having to deal with these thoughts at the moment - it's never a pleasant experience to have something like that going on in your mind. I've grappled with some pretty horrid thoughts in the past, so I can understand how it freaks you out.

Second, no, you're not a bad person because of these thoughts. Having looked at your previous posts about your grandad passing away and the changing diagnoses from your doctors, it's fair to say there is a great deal playing on your mind at the moment and all of them combined with the underlying issues are more than enough to lead to the brain coming up with some pretty disturbing thoughts. With your grandad's death only 2 months ago (about which I am sorry, by the way) and the depression you've felt in relation to that it's understandable that your thoughts sometimes end up on death. It doesn't make you a bad person, though, however traumatic those thoughts are - with something like schizophrenia, schizo-affective disorder or indeed any mental illness, one of the biggest issues is that it is uncontrolled. These thoughts happen regardless of what you want to do, and it's one of the nastiest bits of it. With that in mind, you shouldn't take these thoughts as being a reflection on you.

Depending on how seriously you feel these thoughts are affecting you, I would suggest mentioning them to your doctors - they may be able to help you work out what specifically is causing them. In the meantime, try to view these thoughts for what they are - unwilled results of chemical impulses, and not something to do with your actual wishes.

Hope some of that helps, and take care.
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Re: Am I bad? - March 29th 2010, 10:58 PM

The thing you need to realize is this: you are the only one who can stop these thoughts. Whenever they are there, you need to do everything you can to stop them. I don not belive you wish to actually harm someone. If you did, you would have by now. As far as is it normal. There is no definition of normal. Each peroson's normal is different. Is this different from your normal? Chances are if you are questioning it, then it is out of YOUR normal. Which further proves me right as you not wanting to actually harm someone. Continuing a long, You have came to someone for help. You obviously do not want to hurt anyone, you are just having strange thoughts that no one should have to deal with. I believe you should talk it out with someone if you have not already. Maybe talking it out of your system will help. I do not necessarily agree with counselors because they are the kind of people do deem you insane with a first glance type basis. One once told me I am borderline insanity due to the thoughts I think. How can you be borderline insane??? I do not feel insane and no one believes me to be insane. I recommend talking about it to maybe someone you trust who already knows what is going on. Or, possibly someone you do not know who you believe can help. I am willing to help in any way possible. You can PM, VM, or IM me through yahoo IM. We could text, e-mail, or maybe even talk on the phone. Hopefully this helped and I hope I can further help in the future. Good luck!!

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Re: Am I bad? - March 31st 2010, 07:40 AM

Hey Jaymi.

One thing you have to realise is that there's a difference between thoughts and actions, between thinking about something and actually doing it.

I used to have similar thoughts, and that made me feel horrible, but then I convinced myself that just because I thought about it, didn't mean I had to do it, and it didn't mean I was a bad person. Do you think you could try telling yourself something similar - that even though you're thinking about it, you haven't done it, and you're not a bad person?

These thoughts are obviously distressing to you, so I recommend you talk to somebody about them. Your doctor (or counsellor or something like that if you have one) is a good place to start.

Stay strong sweetie. You're not a bad person. Not by a long shot.
Take care.

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Re: Am I bad? - April 2nd 2010, 04:26 PM

Hey there Jaymi,

I'm sorry to hear that you have been suffering from these terrible thoughts lately, they must be rather scary and also quite frustrating for you. You shouldn't have to deal with such tormenting thoughts.

What you are experiencing is not 'normal' as you put it and I would suggest that you talk to a medical professional about them as soon as you can. These thoughts are dangerous to both yourself and others and so they do need to be addressed. I am sure that you are already aware of the help available to you and I do suggest that you try and get an appointment with your doctor as soon as possible.

Having these thoughts do not mean that you are a bad person, Jaymi. It simply means that you're struggling. As you have said, you feel as though this is beyond your control. You are kind and caring and you are not a bad person. You do need some help to cope with your thoughts and how you're feeling, that is all. Keep strong, Jaymi.

Take care of yourself.
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Re: Am I bad? - April 2nd 2010, 06:33 PM


I'm sorry to hear that you have been thinking like this. I don't believe that these thoughts make you a bad person because you haven't actually 'done' anything. It may be that things going on in your life at the moment have been affecting you and causing you to think like this. I think that the best thing you could do would be to talk to someone about these thoughts, such as a counsellor, parent or doctor, and hopefully they wil be able to help you sort it out.

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