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livingincanada Offline
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deep-rooted problems, very hard to articulate - March 30th 2010, 03:59 AM

Well this is my first time posting here or on any site so I figure introducing myself might be a good way to start. I won't give my name yet but I'm a 17 year old male living in Canada, and I've come here cause I don't know what to do. I haven't ever seriously considered killing myself or thought about suicide much at all, it just seemed more appropriate to do this here because death seems to be the prevalent theme in all my problems.

I don't know where to start exactly so I'll tell you a bit about my personality. I'm very shy for the most part and I consider myself to be an nice, patient person. I've always sort of lived in my head. When I was little, around the age of 6 I had a very intense fear of death and I could not help but cry when I started to feel this way. I don't know what began, but I have very vivid memories of my grandma dying around the same time, I also remember overhearing my mom telling my sister she had heart disease and then my sister started to cry. From there on out I have always had a a problem with commitment to things, whether it be people or material objects. I once had this little metal toy bike, and it depressed me so much that it was so nice but that I would not be able to appreciate it forever or even in the present because I was too upset to enjoy it. So I'd pace around bordering on bawling my eyes out and I just wouldn't know what to do. Once around when I was 6 I was having one of these quiet, sad tantrums in my head and I couldn't hold back the crying anymore, and I had kept it a secret from my parents up to this point. As I started to bawl I heard my dad coming down the hallway and I instantly started to panic cause I knew how strange it would be for a father to find his son crying about something so serious at that young of an age. So I took the closest toy I could find which happened to be one of my favorite ones and stomped on it as hard as I could so I could have an excuse for crying once he entered my room. Sure enough he came in and I was crying (though stomping on the toy didnt hurt at all) and he sort of just didnt say anything for a while he just looked at my foot and held me. After a few moments he asked "are you crying because your foot hurts or because you miss your toy?". And I remember thinking this was so weird and almost funny, because I actually really was even more depressed that I had broken my toy, but I responded to him saying "my foooot wah wah wah".

Now today as a seventeen year old I'm still quite shy and my parents still have no clue and I have never been to counselling or anything of the sort. I still sometimes get really depressed about dying, how much I'll miss everyone and how fast life is going by and how I just want to stay here forever. Usually I start to get these bad feelings when a major change happens such as going from summer holidays to back to school and stuff like that, or going months without having fun and then having fun one night and just feeling horribly depressed about how much I miss it and how i wish every day could be like that, but it seems so impossible to find this perfect balance of appreciating life and avoiding it. These feelings of depression are often enhanced by severe feelings of guilty. I have found myself restless and awake at 4am cleaning every inch of the house in a attempt to work away the guilt. I love people and I love women so much but I have never had a relationship. I feel quite bad about this all the time because I know many amazing girls but they aren't interested like I am, the girls I think are amazing I'm afraid to be with cause I don't want to ever miss them. It seems no matter how much I appreciate people and relationships it is never enough to keep me happy because I know that one day we will die. Over the past year due to shyness I would often clench my jaw in an effort to tough out a shy situation. This has left me with a jaw disorder called TMJ disorder which leaves me in alot of physical pain everyday. I have become a huge hypochondriac lately and I'm fearing that I'm losing my mind. I fear that one day something will just click and my head will be in the clouds forever.

This is a very condensed version of the history of problems in my life, but this is all I could manage to write right now.

I guess I am hoping that by posting this people will tell me that I am not alone. I have had very bad depression lately and have been crying everyday. If anyone has any advice or words that they think will help I greatly appreciate it.
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floatingangel Offline
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Re: deep-rooted problems, very hard to articulate - March 30th 2010, 01:03 PM

hey hun, it seems that you're struggling with all that on your own right now.. and i'd really encourage you to get a counsellor. (: the emotional problems that you face, and your fears, are not problems that are permanent. they can be resolved..
maybe think of it this way, if you're going to worry so much about death, and in that way you sacrifice life itself by being so afraid... then why not try to live without that fear instead? try committing to small things, to some friends.. and true, some will leave and not all friendships will last forever. but it's something that everyone has to go through anyway..
take a leap of faith (: trust someone with your problems..
perhaps one thing you can try when you feel like you're in a compromising situation... do some breathing exercises. and practice them even when you're relaxed and in your comfort zone. that way, it may come instantly to you when you're trapped in fear..
good luck !

and the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says "do not be afraid"
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