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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
mIssIng:nO Offline
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Why bother, I'm a horrible person - April 2nd 2010, 04:24 AM

i have to kill myself, i fucked up everything up, i took everything from the people who love me most, i've hurt my parents to the fact that i can't even look them in the eye anymore with out feeling like i want to die, my mom loves me more then anything and wants me to be happy and would do anything for me, but i constantly hurt her and i feel one day she's going to stop loving me, and i know its going to be soon because theres nothing left to love, I have friends, really only one that i see regularly and he's my best friend, but we don't really talk about this kind of stuff, we just hang out all the time and people do love me, and thats one of the main reasons i can't do it,but I can't live like this, I'm 18 half way to 19, and I doubt i see 20. I want to end it now and just be done with this fucked up life, but I REALLY don't want to hurt the people who care about me, while i may seem like an emotionless person to most, I cry my self to sleep some nights, and can't sleep because of the voices in my head telling me i deserve to die. I'm a fuck up, a bad son and a bad person, I don't deserve to be alive and have people care about me, I want to be forgotten and have people be rid of my burden

someone please tell me i don't have to do this, i really can't take the guilt that i've hurt the people who love me more then anything, they love me so much and don't know how much i'm broken inside, i need to tell someone but I can't admit i have a problem.



I deserve the worst possible punishment and I know what it is.
   
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Re: Why bother, I'm a horrible person - April 2nd 2010, 04:51 AM

Hey. I've been there. Dont do anything stupid. We love and care about you. I know things seem hard now...They will get better. I promise. Hang in there!
   
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Re: Why bother, I'm a horrible person - April 2nd 2010, 04:58 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by angel22 View Post
Hey. I've been there. Dont do anything stupid. We love and care about you. I know things seem hard now...They will get better. I promise. Hang in there!
They don't get better, this isn't a new thing for me. I've been suicidal for 2 years, I hide it from everyone, I was better for a little while, and now people think im fine, but I'm not, its worse then ever. I have shit carved into my legs, i have like 8 new scars on my arm, and my legs and entirely messed up now, i'm so ashamed of myself for doing it, but i can't stop because i deserve it.
   
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Re: Why bother, I'm a horrible person - April 2nd 2010, 06:33 AM

Ian, you don't deserve to die. I know how you feel. I've been there before. Often, I feel like waste of space, and I feel guilty for wanting to die because there are people that love me and try to make me happy. I feel like an ungrateful, selfish bitch. I know you feel like you've screwed everything up, but honestly, I think you're just having a hard time looking at the bigger picture. Whatever you might be going through right now, if you can make it out of it, you'll make it out of it ten times stronger. You're stronger than you think. The sheer fact that you posted this shows that some part of you still cares. Don't let your shame suffocate that part of you.

No matter what you've done, people make mistakes, and that's simply a fact of life. Your mother will not stop loving you if what you say is true. A parent's love for their child is unconditional. Please, don't let yourself believe that you have to do this. You don't. Just take a moment to breathe. I know your life feels like a complete mess right now, but maybe things aren't as complicated as you fear they are.

I advise you to seek help. I realize you're probably afraid to, but if you really do want things to get better, you'll need a way to get through this. Whoever it is that thinks you're fine, make sure they know that you're not fine. If these people truly love you, they'll understand. They probably aren't going to take it lightly, but suicide is not really a light subject. Please, just give people a chance. Reach out. What have you got to lose? Is it really worth giving up everything? Please, Ian. Think about it. Don't kill yourself. Someday things WILL get better, no matter how horrible they seem right now. You just need to give yourself time to heal and find a way to work past your suicidal feelings. And if that way is by getting help, then so be it. Any non self-destructive methods will work. Hang in there, okay? And if you need to say more, let us know what's bothering you. We're not here to judge, and you're not being a burden to anyone. I truly am sorry that you're suffering so much, and I hope that you keep faith in yourself.
   
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Re: Why bother, I'm a horrible person - April 2nd 2010, 04:17 PM

Hey there Ian,

I am sure that you're not a horrible person and that you have messed everything up. Everyone makes mistakes and even if you have, there are things that you can do to change and help yourself. It is very easy to think negatively when you are depressed, Ian, and this can make things feel even worse.

I am very sorry that you are going through a tough patch right now and it seems like you're suffering rather badly with your emotions. However, I do believe that you can change things for the better and that you do deserve help, Ian. It is possible to get help and it is possible to recover. It is possible to get past this and live a happier life - it really is.

You recognise that people do care about you Ian and that is really great. Perhaps right now would be a good time to talk to those people and tell them how you're feeling and ask for their help. Try, Ian.

Take care.
   
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Re: Why bother, I'm a horrible person - April 4th 2010, 01:35 AM

I can't ask people for help, I don't know how to ask for it. I'm still here and feeling a bit better, but its just the old game, brief happiness follows the horrible pain, it always happens. Lately its just been harder to survive it.


People love me, but i wish they didn't. It makes this so much harder
   
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Re: Why bother, I'm a horrible person - April 4th 2010, 02:49 AM

Hey Ian,

I'm glad you've taken the first step in getting help, telling someone how you feel, that just shows us that you still want to be here, if you didn't fully, although a majority of you feels like quitting, you wouldn't have had the energy or thought to post here.
You should not feel guilty about messing up or making mistakes, everyone makes mistakes all the time, it's normal, everyone has things they do in life that they just wish they could forget or get rid of, but no one can get rid of what they have done, they have to deal with the fact that what happened happened, and tha tit's okay to mess up.
I don't feel you are a burden on anyone, nor that if you tell someone how you feel, that you will be a burden, if you tell someone that cares about you, then they will not think you are being a burden, they will help and do what they can to make you happy and feel better about yourself.
I don't think your mom will ever stop loving you, she has been your support sense you were bron and cares a lot about you, she loves you a lot and I'm pretty possitive would do her best to get you help.
I agree with what previous posters have said, you should seek help, there are different people and different ways you can get help, you just have to find the right methods for you.
You can, and should, talk to someone you trust and know that will be able to help you, for example your mom, you said she really loves you, which makes complete sense because she is your mom, your mom most definitely won't let you down, she wants the best for you because you are her son and she, as you said yourself, would give anything to help you.
Try sitting down with her and explaining your feelings to her, explain them in a calm way, that's going to be hard to do I know, because you will be probably be thinking about her reaction and whether or not she will still care about you, but it's possible, you just have to believe in your self and have confidence that she will help.
If talking to her doesn't work, try talking with another adult, a teacher, school counselor, anyone that you feel close to, another relative, there are many options out there.
If talking doesn't help you, try writing your feelings down in a letter and giving that letter to your mom or the person you end up choosing to talk to, this gets rid of the pressure of having to create what you want to say while they are sitting there right in front of you, you can hand it to them or leave it for them in a place you know they will find it.
In the letter explain all of your feelings and thoughts about suicide, like why you want to kill yourself, how long you have been feeling this way, even, if you have any, give them your ideas on how you can help yourself get better or what you feel can help you get better.
Another option for help, if you aren't able to get the courage to discuss your thoughts with people around you is to use hotlines, here on TH, we have a forum with a list of hotlines that you can contact any time you are feeling suicidal, the operators will listen to you and try to help you out, the calls are unanomous and free, usually 24/7. The link is at ( http://www.teenhelp.org/hotlines )

I hope i have been a help and my suggestions are helpful for you,
Good luck and stay safe,
Christina


"i don't care your intentions. I just want you to know my self-hatred never took me where I wanted to go. At the end of the day...I can pick at the pain but I can't cut it away."
   
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Re: Why bother, I'm a horrible person - April 4th 2010, 05:24 AM

yeah, i have talked to people, but when it comes to the time i just shut up, or can't admit i have a problem with depression. I can never talk to ANYONE because of i think everyone thinks the worst of me, like people hate me for everything i am.


Its why i hate my self so much, cause i believe other people don't want me around.

thakns for the feedback, i think i might talk to my mom on monday as she has the day off from teaching
   
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Re: Why bother, I'm a horrible person - April 4th 2010, 06:21 AM

You DON'T have to do it. People care for you, and your parents love you. no one is perfect. Yes you may have messed up but everyone does in their lives. At least a few times if not hundreds. You'll always make mistakes but you have to learn from them. Don't dwell on it and think of how much of a terrible person it makes you. Apologize, only if you really mean it, and if you're forgiven and then you have true friends and loving parents. Also, parents are there to love you no matter what. Its what parents do. You are their child so of course theyre going to love you unconditionally and forgive you for your mistakes. You just need someone to talk about your problems with because it really doesn't help just keeping it in. It'll bottle up too much and one day it'll be unbearable and you'll break. If you're best friend is really a best friend, then he'll listen to everything you have to say even if you're not seeking advice but just wanting to talk. I'm pretty sure you'll feel better afterwards. You're almost 19, you've got a whole life ahead of you to better yourself. Btw, my friend says you should go running because it helps him when he has problems and things on his mind. Its a way to relieve stress.
   
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Re: Why bother, I'm a horrible person - April 4th 2010, 06:32 AM

It's good that you are going to try talking to her, I'm sure she'll be willing to help you get help, make sure you tell her that you feel people hate you and why, I wish you luck with this, let us know what happens after you talk to her.
TH is here with you, so you aren't alone and no one here hates you, I hope you know that.
Good luck


"i don't care your intentions. I just want you to know my self-hatred never took me where I wanted to go. At the end of the day...I can pick at the pain but I can't cut it away."
   
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