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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
ThePunkAlien Offline
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Name: Josh
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Arrow Don't see a point... - April 5th 2010, 05:11 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Senior year of college. Graduation is approaching. But, I feel like I'm falling to pieces. Rant got a little dark, thus the triggering. I just - I'm so fucking lost. I don't know what's going on, just that something in me - maybe it's the hole - hurts more than it ever has.

I don't know what exactly is happening to me. I've got a great future ahead of me, my dream company, anything and everything - but I find myself falling apart. I've found myself saying "I want to die."

"In your life you seem to have it all, you seem to have control. But deep within your soul you're losing it." - Tantric

My parents haven't noticed it. But, I'm going through a breakdown. I've lost motivation in school. Losing motivation all over the place. I've never felt so tired, like I want to go to sleep and not caring if I wake up. There's no thoughts on concrete suicide like my last breakdown, thankfully. But, I've found that I've given up on life. I don't know what's causing it. I should be happy, I should be excited - but I'm just a lost.

To add to that, since my emotions are all out of whack I've been a hothead a lot more recently with my adoptive parents. I mean, they mean the world to me. I don't mean to be this way. I don't mean to always go off and have a quick temper. And when I do - the look, especially the one my Mom gives me... I just want to crawl away and die. I don't mean to be this way, if I could - I'd stop. As much as it angers her, it makes me hate myself that much more.

It could be that at 22, I still feel like I'm alone and didn't accomplish much personally other than career-wise. It could be fear of homesickness because I'm moving farther away from home permanently - I've seen how just a couple of miles made a friend, my age, depressed when he visited my campus. Could be that I'm about to graduate and I'll be one of the few up there who's parents can't show, who's never shown - because I'm practically an orphan. Due to all of this, I'm falling behind in school with lack of motive and fear failing - which, where will that lead me in my adoptive families eyes? Failure just proves my biological father right - that I'm a waste.

I feel like I try to run away from it all. But, I can't. I feel dead a lot of the time, numb and filled with emotion sickness. Everything's a blur. I guess it could be a lot of things weighing me down. Could be all of them. I just need something to desperately save me and make everything okay. Everything's not okay though - it's just not fair. I need their help... a lot... but I'm alone... I've always been alone... why bother? It's all just been built on an engine to prove to them that I deserve to be alive, but all I'm doing is throwing a ball at an empty wall. I don't see the point.

I guess that might just be it. College. Graduation. I'm going to be moving away from my adoptive home soon for a FAR distance. My biological parents are still never there for me, even when I desperately need them - like now. And it feels like everything, for the most part, has been a waste except for some areas I've succeeded due to a motivation of trying to prove myself.

It's like being dead. No motive. No clear vision of what the next ten years will be, almost as though there isn't one. Not happy. Not sad. Not anything.

I just feel lost.

"Maybe I just like people. Maybe sexuality isn't one thing or the other. Maybe it's just something that's shifting and moving. I just know I'm not thinking man or woman."

Last edited by ThePunkAlien; April 5th 2010 at 06:14 AM.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Katrina Offline
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Re: Graduation, but why bother? - April 5th 2010, 01:40 PM

Hey Josh.

I feel like I went through a very, very miniature version yesterday of what you're feeling. I have this psychology essay that's not due until May, but I decided to spend about six or seven hours on it yesterday. After finally completing it (fifteen pages, too, geez), I don't think I've ever felt so unmotivated or unaccomplished in my life. What kind of sense does that make?! It's so illogical, but I know what you mean.

As far as the whole deal about your parents not noticing what you're going through, I have to say that I'm not surprised. As a college student myself, I don't really see a whole lot of my parents, and usually when I do, I'm very busy with other things (and they are too), so I don't really actually spend a whole lot of time hanging out with them. Parents can't read our minds (though I'm sure they sometimes wish they could) - why don't you let them know what's going on? If not, what about checking up with the counseling center that you have on campus? Usually it's free, which is really great, and it can really help. I mean, I know from various posts of yours I've read that you're very independent and strong-willed, but I kind of think this is one of those things where you're going to have to let someone else help you. (:

Twenty-two isn't old... for you to have already established a career path is an accomplishment in itself! With time, as you start doing more social networking through your job and through other friends, I'm sure you'll meet someone you're interested in and start dating more often. You just have to give it a little time; second semester of senior year in college has got to be busy! You're almost there, though, so draw some motivation from somewhere and stick with it.

Good luck with everything. Hope things work out!

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