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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Hm. Haven't felt this way in a while. - April 6th 2010, 01:15 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Life's been so great. So great. But for some reason.. I feel like I don't deserve it.

When life sucks life just sucks and I hate it and I wish it were better. But when it gets better I feel like I don't deserve it. My friend told me he loved me yesterday and I just cried. Everytime somebody gives me a compliment I can't believe it. I just don't trust anybody anymore. I feel like life is a lie. Life is all a lie to me. And I don't want to live it like this anymore. I hate it this way. I can't stand it this way. It's aggravating me so much. =/

My sister texted me saying "hahaha mom loves me more!! (: " and I started crying. One of my other good friends came over and he sat down next to me. And he just started wiping away my tears and hugging me and wouldn't let me be alone. I love both of them to death. I love so many people so much. But I feel like I have to let go. I feel like now's the time to do it because if I do it later then it just gives us time to become closer or gives me time to get closer to more people. I feel like I'm seriously going to do it this time... And I'm not even going to tell my friends I feel this way I don't think..

OH. And I self harmed for the first time in months today. Ugh.



   
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Re: Hm. Haven't felt this way in a while. - April 6th 2010, 02:30 AM

Ending your life is not something you should do at all. Take a look at your own sig right below your post. Think about it. It should have stronger meaning to you right now more than ever.

When I was younger I always was unsure about a lot and felt like I was always doing a double-take because something never seemed right about how things actually were. This was the result of constant bullying. The bad times were always there, the good times were impossible to enjoy because I could never stop thinking about the bad. It may help if you express your feelings with your parents or a counselor. Obviously, something happened to you fairly recently that caused you to start feeling this way. Would you be willing to talk about it with us?
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Re: Hm. Haven't felt this way in a while. - April 6th 2010, 02:53 AM

Now I'm not quite sure I posted this in the right place. But recently I admitted I was bisexual to myself and to a few close and trusted friends. But my sister sent me a text saying "mom loves me more (:" and then I knew that it was true because if my parents found out I was bi they'd hate me for forever. And now I don't know what to do. I'm not quite sure where to go from here. I just know that I can't live like this.. I feel like my whole life is a lie now.



   
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Re: Hm. Haven't felt this way in a while. - April 6th 2010, 03:02 AM

You shouldn't have to be afraid of how your parents might think of you. They should be there for you no matter what and love you the way that you are. If you are really worried about how they might feel, be initially subtile about it and ask if they will love you no matter what even if you aren't exactly the way that they would want you to be. The answer should be yes. Then that would be the time that you should go ahead and tell them.

You said that a good friend told you that he loved you. Perhaps you may feel better starting a relationship with him and confiding in him. It may provide you with the comfort and support that you need as you face these internal conflicts.

In my opinion, sexuality is not always a choice, but a natural circumstance or other medical condition. People should not have to feel discriminated against about who they are and ideally it should just be accepted as a part of life. Don't worry, everything will be okay.
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Re: Hm. Haven't felt this way in a while. - April 6th 2010, 03:14 AM

It doesn't feel like it will be okay. And no we all use the term "I love you" strongly but loosely. We don't mean it as relationship terms but we mean it with all our hearts anyway. One of the guys who said it is in a relationship and one of the other guys who said it .. well he's in a relationship as well but he's not interested in girls. I can't start a relationship. I don't want to put anybody that close to me and then push them away like this.

Sexuality is definitely not a choice in my mind because I'd rather be normal. And I really don't believe that my parents will be fine with me being bisexual.



   
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Re: Hm. Haven't felt this way in a while. - April 6th 2010, 03:39 AM

In all honesty I think that you actually do need someone close to you, and the fact that you don't have someone at all that you can confide in is making you feel the way you do - especially since you feel you don't even have family on your side. It appears to me that you are feeling empty and alone inside and you are afraid that if you try to reach out to anyone that you will get hurt in some way. I felt this way before, I never had friends during my childhood because I was always afraid of being bullied. I was always all alone in my feelings and torment, not even my mother or the school staff were able to understand nor take action.

I know you are in pain. You need to be accepted for who you are and be given the true undeniable warmth and comfort from someone important to you that you need at this point and time. I know that you would find what you need. Somehow. Even with the bleakest circumstances. Feel free to shoot me a PM if you need someone by your side. You can be fully open with me, I will never hurt you.
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Re: Hm. Haven't felt this way in a while. - April 8th 2010, 01:35 AM

I really don't want to get myself involved in a relationship right now. Most guys don't understand me and how I function and while they try to get to know me I push them away cause I don't wanna know them. That sounds mean but the closer I get to people the more hurt inside I feel. xP

And I don't know who I can trust anymore.. I just know I can trust four of my closest friends.



   
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Re: Hm. Haven't felt this way in a while. - April 8th 2010, 02:25 AM

Let me tell you something. I used to push everyone away when I was in public school. Despite my longing for companionship, I did not feel comfortable around others because I didn't think I they could truly relate to me. I didn't want other people to be close to me if they didn't understand me. They didn't seem like the trustworthy type, all non-serious and thoughtless-style conversations and acting goofy and such. They weren't maturing as fast as I was. The few times I did try to start a friendship during my childhood it actually made me feel worse because in fact they did not really understand me, and I didn't feel comfortable with that. Therefore I refused to get involved with them and stayed, just as your username, "alonealways". In fact, most of the time, I thought nobody existed that could understand me the way I wanted to be understood. It appears to me that right now, you are feeling the same exact way as I always felt. Sometimes I still feel that way today.

Not everyone understands the true definition of trust the way you and I do. Unlike the standard usage of the term trust these days, trust is not just a simple bond. Trust is stronger and more significant than bond. You probably know what I mean by this because, despite that you might not realize it yet, most likely you have the same significant interpretation of trust that I do.

As I have talked to you in this thread, I feel as if I am talking to a mirror image of myself to some degree. You may not be ready to trust yet. Right now, you probably just see me as one of those other guys. But in time, on your own terms. I am here if you want to extend your trust. And if you choose to, I won't ever betray you. I promise.
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Re: Hm. Haven't felt this way in a while. - April 8th 2010, 03:20 AM

I know what you're saying. I just don't know what to say back. I'm really confused and scared. ):



   
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Re: Hm. Haven't felt this way in a while. - April 8th 2010, 11:44 AM

Well that is okay. It is normal to feel that way when someone you don't really know is trying to be close to you. But through this communication I have become confident that you will get through this.
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Re: Hm. Haven't felt this way in a while. - April 13th 2010, 09:09 AM

You do deserve this life that you've been given, never forget that!

And so you slipped up with self harm, but you said it was the first time in months! You didn't harm yourself for months and that's brilliant! Congratulations! One slip up isn't something to get too down about ok, one time in how ever many months it was, that's a fantastic achievement

There is nothing wrong with being bisexual either, it's your sexuality, if people don't agree with it, it's their problem. Remember, don't let ANYBODY bring you down, because this is your life, you live it how you want to, and whatever anybody else may say, really is irrelevant.

Also, you said you don't want to get involved in a relationship right now? That's fine, take things at your own pace, if a relationship isn't going to make your life any better, or if it's going to make you feel worse, don't jump into anything. But people love you, that's for sure, so hang in there.

Keep living this life and things WILL get better
Good luck
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Re: Hm. Haven't felt this way in a while. - April 14th 2010, 12:03 AM

Personaly I do not think you're ready to die. Do you think there is an afterlife? If you do do you think it will be better than what you have? If you don't do you believe that once you leave tthe playing field that you will be granted nirvana?
The fact of the matter is you will never really know because as soon as you die your existance is no longer has a meaning on the playing field. People won't stop living and you lost your chance to see what you could have been.
Feeling like you got it good and don't deserve it i can relate to because i have got it real good myself. Sure I don't deserve it but I'll do the little things to make sure I feel like I do deserve it.
"Life is a lie" is what you said. It's true life is one big net of lies and a cobweb of false hopes. So Be your own God put one foot infront of the other and find YOUR TRUTH! Open ur eyes wide, find what you love about life and live in the sunshine and dance in the rain!
You dont need to trust anyone but your self if you dont want to. Be with your friends enjoy the moments spent but it doesnt nessarly mean you have to have anyone elses back but yours.
People will continue to break those walls you want to build it's no use fighting it.
When it comes to your sexuality in the name of DR.Suess The ones who mind Don't Matter, The ones who matter are the ones who Don't Mind.
Take a look at children and how they see the world it's just one big vast bubbly to explore. Just because the moment seems hopless doesn't mean they stop playing there able to find some playdough to squish and ask for an oreo.
If ya get frusterated, theirs' always the future and the blue sky.
Hope I helped..
If not sorry for wasting your time.




   
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Re: Hm. Haven't felt this way in a while. - April 14th 2010, 10:10 PM

Don't let these lies over-rule your life.. The people in your life love you and they're in your life for a reason.. Don't self-harm.. Don't do anything like that! Let them help, care, love and adore you!


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GREAT HOPE COMES FROM FAITH IN GOD!!!!

   
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