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Oddoneout Offline
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Name: Daniel
Age: 29
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Location: Canada

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Join Date: February 22nd 2009

alone from the start - April 7th 2010, 01:40 AM

depression attack gotta talk about whats on my mind

when I was a kid in grade 1 I was struggling with schoolwork stuff everyone seemed to find easy so I was seen as weak and they all went after me every chance they got every emotion shown every word spoken every action was another vulnerability they could exploit. I don't know why they did it but I hated them so much I can't describe how strong the feeling was.

this went on until I changed schools in grade 6. no one knew me so I made myself disappear I never said anything I never made a facial expression if I could avoid it. I had some friends I think they didn't mind me hanging around so I could pass the time by listening to conversations I don't think I said enough to say I had conversations

I made it to highschool and kept blending in not saying anything and showing as little emotion as possible

my last year of highschool I somehow have friends I still can't talk much it's like there is a glass wall between me and them

I keep expecting people to look for weakness and exploit it, anything I do or show can be seen as weakness so I do and show very little

the worst part is I'm not sure how real my memory is it's all fuzzy and I can sometimes remember being happy but allot of the time those are forgotten it's like I am remembering reading a book and not actually living

wanna talk?

AIM: oddoneout667
MSN: dancl667@hotmail.com

with or without religion a good person will do good and an evil one will do evil
  Send a message via AIM to Oddoneout Send a message via MSN to Oddoneout  
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
HisPrincess Offline
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Smile Re: alone from the start - April 7th 2010, 01:53 AM

I'm Sorry you are feeling this way. I have felt similar before. If you want to talk about it go ahead and PM me. I would love to talk! Hang in there. It will get better.
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
newbie552 Offline
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Re: alone from the start - April 7th 2010, 03:31 AM

Hey Daniel, it felt kind of scary for me to read this because of how much I can relate to you. I went through elementry/ junior high alone alot as well, and it made me become quiet. When I was in grade nine, I got in with a group of people, and it was hard for me to talk with them. I was always wondering what I could say to make me sound acceptable. What would make me sound pathetic, make them think I was wierd, and what could make them actually want to get closer to me. I would always concentrate so much on what I could say to impress them and what to avoid saying that usually I wouldn't say anything at all. I don't really speak to any of those people anymore.
Things were like that for a some of grade ten as well. The people around me would always have a conversation, but I could never think of something good to add to it, or when i did, i didn't say it loud enough for people to pay attention to me. It was really frustrating for me.
Fast-forward to current time. Things are more alright for me now, I'm still quiet and I think I'll always be. But I am more talkative now (but yes, I am still conscious of what I'm saying, but it's not as bad anymore).

So things you might try doing: As strange as this sounds, try planning things to say before the fact, like when you go to bed or just get up. Take small steps if you need to. Maybe try talking to people one on one first before talking with a group (make sure it's someone nice).

Hope this helps you. Take from it what ya will. If you want to comment on it, feel free to talk to moi.

You're amazing just the way you are
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