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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
UltraViolet Offline
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Name: Lea
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Deteriorating? - April 8th 2010, 07:34 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I'm breaking down.
Cracking up.

CBT doesnt work for me, that is for sure.
We know this now and apparently 'thats fine'.
I'm soon going to start a support group for self harmers.
Great, sitting in a room full of people who hurt themselves, so i 'dont feel so alone' and it 'should help in some way'...
The I'm going to get reffered to a pyscothreapist.
Because my doctor cant give me any more medication and he wont change the ones im on now.
The Anxiety pills help.
The anti-depressants dont. I'm on the highest dose, been taking them since September and no difference.
The pyscothreapist will be able to give me some more and will know 'what to do with me next'.
I've been warned that being committed is a possiblitly.
I've had to tell my mum everything.
How insane a feel, i think i've actually scared her.
I told her how i need help, how i cant keep living like this.

It feels like theres so much pressure in my head and im going to burst.
I cry and it hurts, i want to cut myself open.
I want to hang until i cant breath anymore.
I feel crazy, i sat for 3 hours on my bedroom floor in the early hours of the morning, just crying and rocking back and forward. i couldnt stop, couldnt control it.
sometimes i feel hysterical, then all the energy dissapears and im like an empty shell.
Like i've ran a race really fast, then just come to a brick wall and simply...stopped....

theres more i wanted to write, but its gone.
Am i deteriorating? I post a lot, has anyone noticed a difference?
i think there is, but im not that sure?

'thanks to you i never trusted...'
- Boy Kill Boy

This depression is a killer...
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
KoKoEm Offline
love's lookin' good on you =]
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Re: Deteriorating? - April 8th 2010, 09:53 PM

I'm so sorry about what's going on.
I know it's hard and I know that going into a therapists or group therapy or whatever else they decide to put you in may feel like it will never help you at first.
Give it time, you may be one of those people who just can't get what they need from medicine alone. Sometimes it takes more than that.
And, as you have figured out, talking it out to people who understand what you're going through, really helps. I know that's part of what I like about TH, so maybe you'll feel similar about the group therapy.
You never know how things will work out, but you need to give everything a try to find the one thing that works best.
Please, let me know if you ever need to talk. My inbox is always open. I'm a little busy right now, so it may be a while before I reply, but don't worry. I always do if you PM me. =]
<3 Em

This is how it ends
We believe every lie & say we'll still be friends
How long will it last
Before we scratch all the scripts & rework the casts
*Hourglass by the Hush Sound*

PM me =]

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Craft obsessions vary often.
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
dr2005 Offline
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Re: Deteriorating? - April 8th 2010, 11:11 PM

Hey Lea,

First off, don't be too disheartened that CBT wasn't the right course of action for you - it doesn't work for everyone. There is a certain amount of trial and error with finding what works for each person in these situations, so if CBT wasn't right then something else will be. The psychotherapist will be able to help you find that more quickly, and the support group might also help point you towards some different treatments - it's worth giving it a chance at any rate, as Emily said.

Looking back through your posts, and especially the ones I've replied to, I wouldn't say things have deteriorated as such - it's clear you're going through a really rough time, but compared with the first post of yours I replied to there isn't a massive difference. I mean that in a good way, I should add. If you personally feel as though things are declining, though, then this is the thing to mention to the psychotherapist when you are referred. It'll help inform their decision about what to do next. I can see how you'd feel you scared your mum by telling her everything, but hopefully now it's out in the open it'll be easier for her to accept how things are and be able to support you through things. If so, it's a positive step.

As always, we're all here for you. Take care.

"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." - Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom

However bleak things seem, however insurmountable the darkness appears, remember that you have worth and nothing can take that away.

Originally Posted by OMFG!You'reActuallySmart! View Post
If you're referring to dr2005's response, it's not complex, however, he has a way with words .
RIP Nick
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Palmolive Offline
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Jeez, get a life!
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Re: Deteriorating? - April 9th 2010, 03:53 PM

Hey there.

Im really sorry that things are bad for you again. But your still here getting though each day so thats a great thing! Be proud of your self.

Some people start a thearpy and get on fine, and thats great. But for others, like you, they have to do one or two different things, or even try a whole bunch of things to do before they find something which actually works for them and helps them. You have to adeventure through all the different possabilites. You may be shcoked about this self harm group. You may actually get something out of it. So make sure you walk in with a positive mind, or at least not a negative one.

Its good you told your mum how you felt. Talking can make such a big difference. And its okay to feel the way you do, you know? Its alright to be upset. You just need to control it so that it doesnt lead to you putting your self in danger.

Have you tried different techniques for the self harm? Whether its something safer but to feel the pain like holding ice cubes or wether its just something to take your mind of it like baking?

Im not going to sit here and tell you the dangers of it, because im pretty much 100% certain you have heard it all before. But i know and understand that the one person who can help you the most, is you. You really have to want this. You have to want to get better . You have to want to have a future. You have to try and not give up when something goes wrong. And yes mate, its going to be bloody damn hard, but that does not mean that you can not do it.

You have to believe in your self.

Jess x

"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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