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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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LittleFish Offline
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So friggin tired... - April 11th 2010, 11:42 PM

I'm so tired of my life. I'm so tired of not knowing who to listen to and thus having nowhere to turn. Every day for me is different - every single one. One day, I feel confident and proud, and like everything is just working out fantastic. The next day, nothing's changed, yet I feel trapped, lonely, abandoned, afraid. I don't understand. Nothing is ever what it seems, and every day I have a new interpretation of things. It's exhausing, jumping around like that. I can't keep up with this. I can't keep doing this. I spend the few happy days that I have knowing the next one won't compare. And it happens every time, too. Every time I have a good day, the next one is shit. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm afraid to let myself be happy. I'm afraid to trust people. I can't trust myself to hold an opinion or a feeling about something for ten minutes. I'm not even sure what I'm saying anymore. This probably makes no sense. I'm sorry.

The other day I almost did it. I was in PE, and we were told we could go walk in the hills behind the school. There's a ditch near the school. I almost went over and jumped into it. Almost. I was having anxiety at the time, though, so my self-preservation instincts overpowered everything. I just--I don't know. I'm falling apart. My friend, the girl I love, wants to transfer schools next year. My only other friend at school wants to go with her. If they go, I'll have no one, and I can't make new friends. The other day I ditched a semi-friend in PE because I couldn't stand talking to her. She's not annoying--I have trouble making conversation. It's painfully awkward, and it triggers me and makes me wish I brought SH tools with me to school. I've opened up to my mom about these problems. She said she thinks I should go on anti-depressants. Every single person I've asked about it has said something different about them. I want to take anti-depressants. I don't want to hurt the people I love. But everyone seems convinced that counseling is gonna fix it, and no matter how many fucking times I tell them that these feelings come at me from out of nowhere, they keep telling me to stick with the counseling. My mom said over a month ago that she'd start looking for a doctor to prescribe me with something. She hasn't. My counselor is no longer working with the association she was before, so now we're hardly ever going to be able to visit. I'm so tried. I don't want to try anymore. I want to just let it all go, because I really don't see the point in fighting anymore.
   
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The Darkness Offline
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Re: So friggin tired... - April 12th 2010, 12:01 AM

Se-se,
Don't let go just because some people are too annoying to be your friend.
I'm sure there's many people out there who could be your friend.
If you really want to take anti-depressants, its all your choice.
To trust someone is hard, really, I still find it extremely hard for me to trust anyone on anything.
And you don't have to listen to someone in specific. You can listen to anyone you want, if they help you or not.
Don't be afraid to be happy. Everyone has the right to be happy, whether they like it or not. If they don't like you happy, then they don't really care for you.
If the counselor doesn't help for you then you don't have to follow with what people say. They don't know you. You know what you want and need. If counseling isn't working out with you, that's alright.
Since your mom's not making an effort for you to get better, urge her to do so. Mention it everyday.
I know how it feels to try not to hurt everyone. But if it's hurting you, that's not good. I used to and somewhat still am going by the same rule: 'Don't mention anything to anyone about anything upsetting about yourself and the world will be happy.' That's not the case. It might be selfish to think about yourself first, and selfless to think about others first. But try to make that equal for everyone, especially you, alright?
I hope this helps.


THE POINT OF SINGULARITY IS NOTHING AS NOTHING BEGAN EVERYTHING
PULSING IN THE EXPAND CONSUME WITHOUT BARRIER OR BORDER
IT IS DARK BECAUSE IT IS THE DARKNESS IT IS OVER BECAUSE IT IS THE END
THERE IS NO SENTRY BECAUSE NONE DARE APPROACH
IT HAS NEVER BEEN AND IT IS ALL THAT EVER WAS
AT THE CENTER YOU DO NOT FIND THE ANSWER
YOU DO NOT FIND YOURSELF THERE IS NO CENTER AND THERE IS NO YOU THERE IS ONLY MADNESS
WE ARE ALL HERE NOW.
WE ARE ALL HERE.
WE ARE.

   
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