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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
his_quirkiness Offline
Thoroughly Confused
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Name: Trysten
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Location: Indiana, USA

Posts: 51
Blog Entries: 27
Join Date: November 11th 2009

Tired and Confused - April 12th 2010, 04:04 PM

What can I say, I feel like this is the end for me. No, this isn't any form of good-bye, just me asking if there really is any alternative. I hate myself, I hate my life and I hate being alive. I'm only a burden on everyone, especially the people I love and care about, and I can't take that anymore.

This all started yesterday when I was talking to my best friend on IM. This best friend also happens to be the person I was planning to move in with later this year as well as the boy I think I might be in love with (well, at least have very strong feelings for. Not quite sure if I should say "in love with" yet). Our conversation started off simple, he asked if I would sign up on Habbo.com and play along with him. I agreed and we played for an hour and a half or so before I decided to quit. When I did, he was quite obviously pretty disappointed. I ended up asking if he was mad at me before I proceeded to apologize for a second time and explain why I quit. Well, I never got a reply back and I'm still unsure of why, but I took it as he was mad at me. Hours and hours went by and he still never IMed me back, so I went to my Twitter account. I saw he had been posting there at the same time as I had signed in, so then I really took it as he was mad and just ignoring me. Before I said anything aimed at him, I mentioned something about "fake ass people" and how they pissed me off. A few minutes later, I said something that was aimed at him about our moving plans (something about maybe moving to Miami instead of moving in with him), not being serious, only trying to get his attention as I thought he was ignoring me. Before I proceed, yes, I do want to acknowledge that what I did was very stupid. Anyway, he finally messaged me back. He saw that tweet as well as the previous one and assumed both were aimed at him. I tried to tell him what was going on but he didn't believe me and he signed off of IM. He then went to Twitter and posted about how angry he was and how he was "done." I e-mailed him and tried to explain further but I've not heard back and don't know if I will. As of right now, I don't know where he and I stand.

Normally, I wouldn't be so worried. I would expect to apologize my head off, try and explain and then everything would be ok after a while. This definitely isn't the first argument he and I have had, though. I've actually ended the friendship twice before. Despite my two attempts, I know he and I cared too much about each other to truly let go, that's why we're friends again. Now, considering our history, I'm not so sure we both still care to try and work everything out. I've always had a huge fear that my mental problems (depression, anxiety, possible ADHD and OCD) will end up driving everyone I care about away and I think maybe it's finally done it this time with him.

This is where I decided it should probably be the end for me. Like I said earlier, I just feel like a huge burden to everyone and everything I come across, especially the people I care about. I know how much work and patience are needed to handle being around me. I'm tired of feeling like all I do is cause stress, frustration, anger and hurt to the ones I love. The only way I know for certain I can never hurt anyone again is if I'm dead. Yes, I'm sure the ones who truly care about me will be upset and hurt if I did commit suicide, but I know they would get over it eventually. I would at least be able to die being content in knowing this would be the last time I'd ever be able to hurt them and knowing that they would eventually move on.

The only problem with this idea is that I don't actually want to die. I mean a part of me does - I can't really handle being alive anymore - but dying is my biggest fear. I just want to continue my life knowing that everything will be ok and that I wont be continually hurting the ones I care about. I just don't feel like that's an option, though. For me to get better and to stop being the way I am now would take months or maybe even years. I can't handle hurting my loved ones for another minute. I also can't handle not being around them, but I wont know the difference if I'm dead anyway. But like I said, I don't want to die. Contrary to popular belief, though, I feel like not committing suicide is the selfish choice here.

Anyone have an idea on how I can actually fix things?
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
dr2005 Offline
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I can't get enough
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Name: Dave
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Location: UK

Posts: 2,221
Join Date: February 14th 2010

Re: Tired and Confused - April 12th 2010, 09:42 PM

Hey Trysten,

I can understand why you feel quite downhearted, especially since this involves someone you clearly care about a lot. I can also understand why you're afraid that your history and your mental health will mean you push him away. At the same time, I feel it is perhaps worth putting this into perspective, which on reflection sounds a bit patronising and I apologise if it comes across that way because it isn't how I meant it. It's just easier sometimes for an outsider to bring perspective to things. Ultimately all this boils down to is an argument which has gotten out of hand, triggered by you stopping playing a game after an hour and a half. You've both said things in the heat of the moment, and now you're regretting what you said. Many people, myself included, have been in that situation and it does suck, but it doesn't mean that things are inevitably going to go downhill from here. Arguments are part of any relationship, even friendships - two individuals will occasionally fall out, and depending on the circumstances it can be a small argument or a big one. But it doesn't mean they're irreconcilable, and the same applies to you and your friend.

My best advice would be to give it a few days to let the dust settle, and then to contact him again and explain things fully. Let him know that you thought you'd upset him and that you felt you were ignoring him, and that you still care about him (which you clearly do). Once you've both calmed down fully, I would imagine things will be better. At the same time, an argument of any kind is no reason to feel like you're a burden on other people, or deserving of hatred - it isn't true, simple as that. We're human, we get emotional (sometimes over the littlest things), we make mistakes and we feel bad about it afterwards. The thing is to not let what has happened dominate your thoughts, otherwise it runs the risk of becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you talk to him about what happened as fully as you have on here, things should work out fine. Above all else, remember that these things can be resolved, but not by suicide.

Hope some of that helps, and take care.

"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." - Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom

However bleak things seem, however insurmountable the darkness appears, remember that you have worth and nothing can take that away.

Originally Posted by OMFG!You'reActuallySmart! View Post
If you're referring to dr2005's response, it's not complex, however, he has a way with words .
RIP Nick
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confused, tired

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