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Hope55 Offline
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Name: Jazz
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Unhappy guilt, shame, disgust - April 12th 2010, 04:48 PM

I have been putting off writing this, perhaps its because when I am reminded that others problems are so much more severe it calms me down.

My mom called me the other day as I was sitting in my room listening to my music, trying to drown out the mournful religious hyms being sung in the living room that bring back many painful emotions and memories. I just got an overwhelming sence that death would be the most peaceful option in the end.

I let the phone ring because I am too ashamed to face her. I am ashamed of my selfishness, my bitterness, my hatred, my hurt, my disrespect, the fact that after all she has done for me I cannot be the person she wants me to be. I am schedualed to go home in a few months but I honestly don't think I can board that plane, I am too ashamed to face my family.

I can't fix the pain that I have caused my family without going back to my former religion, but I can't live there without slowly going insane when I finally say goodbye to my former religious society I hope to never look back, never hear their songs, special greeting, never step foot into their church. So I cannot imagine going back unless I disapear shortly after. but still I am so ashamed for the pain I caused my mom. She suffered physically from it. I hate myself for it.

If I cannot live with the guilt, the shame, the self disgust, and I cannot live with the religion, which is the only option to fixing everything...How can I live?

Im sorry to complain about this here, but this feeling that death is the only option hits me at the most random times. I could be laughing and happy one moment, but then suddenly something reminds me of everything and I start crying or become angry and get these insane urges to destroy everything around me.
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miika Offline
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Re: guilt, shame, disgust - April 12th 2010, 06:45 PM

hey Jazz, im sorry things are so hard for you right now, you should never feel ashamed of who you are if you do not want to be a part of your religion it is your right not to be! you dont have to live up to your mothers expectations i am sure she is proud of you and will respect whatever decision you come to. you have the right to be happy you are your own person! if you need to talk dont hesitate to pm me xx

~pm me anytime, night or day, i want to know what you have to say~

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