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musicalbeds Offline
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Again. - April 16th 2010, 02:53 AM

Hello.
I don't know why I'm writing here. It's been a while without doing it...
First of all, sorry because my english is terrible. It's not my first language, but I do what I can.
First time I had depression was on 2004. It started with panic attacks, I was diagnosed with social anxiety and that leaded to major depression. Bad one. After treatment (I suffered like I have never suffered before!) I was a little better until 2007. That time, it was even worse. Diagnosed again with depression, meds and psychologists and everything else. It was the worst time of my life, including self-harm and EDNOS. Somehow I managed to get out, and finish high school.
And now... since the beginning of this year, I'm feeling depressed again. I just don't know. I started college last year, I didn't like my career. Now I hate it. I tried to look for another one but my family disagreed (I live at home with them) so I started my second year like this: mixed feelings, I knew I hated it but I tried to like it anyway. It's been just a month -I'm supossed to start studying, and doing a lot of homework and everything just keeps getting worse. And really worse- I can't focus, I hate everything, my family keeps saying that a lot of things are my fault; and most important, I started questioning why should anyone study that career (it's Communications... something like Journalism, but it was supossed to be different!) since I'm not sure anymore that anyone has the right to tell others how should they have opinions... and a lot of things that I'm not gonna try to explain in english. So, I'm supossed to be reading and watching the news everyday and knowing what happens in the world and in my city everyday everytime and that's one of the things that are making me suffer a lot, since I have never been a fan of checking the news, and having discussions about that and politics everyday makes me sick, really. My body is also reactioning, at the moment my throat hurts because of how bad I'm feeling, my stomach hurts a lot too, today when I was walking I couldn't even do that, it's affecting me a lot and I don't know how to fix it.
I know it may seem stupid being depressed because of college! but I swear I can't help it. I know there are horrible problems in the world, I know that there's a million people who have reasons to be depressed and I'm complaining just because I don't like my career! I wish I was good enough to understand that and deal with all of this, but I just don't think I can. And that -how selfish I am, how stupid- makes me consider even more that everything will be better if I'm not here.
Sorry for the long post... I guess I wasn't thinking of writing that much... just felt like I needed to do it now.


~ I can't get a life if my heart's not in it ~
"It is our choices Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." ~ Albus Dumbledore
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FlyingTrue Offline
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Re: Again. - April 17th 2010, 01:52 PM

Hello there,
It is supposed to be your decision as to what you want to do with your life. Not your family's or anybody else's. I think you should discuss your feelings with a college counselor and work out a plan for a better and more enjoyable path in life.

There is no shame at all in sharing your feelings nor in having them in the first place. Many people get depressed about these types of things the same way you are right now. So don't worry about that. It is good that you came on here to discuss it.
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