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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
PlayingPretend Offline
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Abandoned... - April 19th 2010, 08:42 AM

Ugh. There's a lot going on in my life, a lot of which is really stirring up my abandonment issues.

For one thing, my best friend has become an ex best friend; we're no longer in direct or frequent contact with one another due to the fact I needed out (it was causing more pain than it was worth).

For another, my boyfriend moved from London to Maidstone in January of this year... and since he moved, he's hardly had any time for me. He's closer to his friends, doesn't feel so isolated, and that's great for him, but not for me. I don't want to sound like some cold-hearted bitch, as I truly am happy for him, but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to miss my boyfriend. Considering I live in California, we have two ways of communicating - internet or over the phone. Most nights it's 30-60 minutes that we get to talk, but lately it's been more like 15. And I'm sorry, but I cannot live on 15 minutes a day, or even an hour a day, especially since AT&T has such a shoddy plan that I run out of texts within the first week.

But the thing is, I've tried talking to him about this, and he claims there's nothing he can do. And then turns around and gets angry at me for appreciating male attention that I get elsewhere. And I can understand his insecurity. Having once suffered those insecurities, I really can. But I can't help feeling like if he really cared, he'd stop partying so much and actually make time for me every now and again. Tonight we Skyped for the first time in ages, and I miss Skyping daily or at least a few times weekly. We talked for 2 hours or so, and I miss that length of contact too. I can handle it sometimes, but other times, I get so bloody depressed about it that I feel suicidal and self-destructive and merely want to destroy every bloody inch of my body. Gah. Like I said, sometimes I can handle it, but there are other times where the lack of regular/lengthy contact shatters me. I feel like I'm second to his friends - always. I'm not always going to be first in his life, and I can accept that. But when you tell someone they mean the world to you, you love them more than anything, they mean more than anything, you'd do anything for them, etc. one would think you'd actually make time for that person you claim to care about.

But please don't get the impression my boyfriend is a bad guy. He's really, really not, and I don't want to hear that he's treating me poorly or that I should dump him because for one, I'm not going to, and for another, he doesn't treat me poorly. At all.

But the last thing is that I was venting to a friend (a male friend... my abandonment issues arise with men and men alone), someone who's become my surrogate bestie, and he pretty much said "-hug-" and that he was going. This is someone I've stayed up for, gone out on limbs for, etc., like I tend to do most my friends simply to keep them from leaving me, but it never works. None of it ever works. They all end up leaving. And he didn't feel great, but then he tells me I can call or text and he doesn't respond to his text messages! And I feel extremely abandoned and it's driving me mad and I'm pissed and hurt and want to scream and throw things and tantrum like I'm bloody five-years-old, but argh.
   
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Re: Abandoned... - April 19th 2010, 03:17 PM

Hey

I am not going to suggest that you break up with your boyfriend because you have made it clear that he means a lot to you, and that you do not wish to. He seems to be partying a lot more probably because he's living closer to his friends now. I presume guys like to hang out and have their guy-time. I know it can get frustrating, especially when you're waiting all day to have those precious 15 mins with him and that it can be a letdown if and when he does not make it online for long enough but long-distance relationships are always difficult like that. Because of the distance, you have to rely on phone conversations and chatting online etc. and not both parties are always free to communicate at a set time.

I would suggest that you get out a little and have your fun too. It's not wrong to have innocent fun. Go out to parties, find something to do and distract yourself during 'waiting times' so you don't feel so frustrated. I presume that bringing this issue up with your boyfriend may result in an argument especially if he thinks he's doing his best to make things work. Just give him some space and try to enjoy yourself. You know, after all, that you "mean the world to him" and that he cares about you. This is going to sound a little silly but, you should make him wait too. It's a little unfair that you're always having to do the sitting around and waiting. It takes two to make a relationship like this work and the two of you really do seem to care about each other so, just try to have your fun and find things to do.

You don't have to spend time with your friends to be happy. I know that we're around them a lot and that just knowing that they are there for us is enough to get us up and about sometimes but, as sad as it is, friends can't always be there when we need them to be. I've had my share of 'trying to have a heart to heart but have your friend leave halfway through' moments so I know how that must make you feel. But, your friend had to go and he did ask you to call/text him if you needed to talk which proves that he does care. So don't be discouraged by it. Things come up and people have to leave. Don't take it personally.

I'm sorry that I haven't been much of a help but I'd like you to know that you can PM me anytime. I'm always here and willing to have a chat

Take care.


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Re: Abandoned... - April 19th 2010, 07:37 PM

I guess it hurt because he didn't respond. Don't tell me I can text or call if you're going to ignore those texts and/or calls. Simple as.

As for boyfriend, I told him how I was feeling last night, and he told me he's looking to get hired and that once he has his job, that will mean less parties and he'll have more time for me on days that he's home. I hope he means it.

I guess my main feeling was one of "why is partying more important to him than I am?" When every reason for your boyfriend not being able to spend more time with you or why he wasn't around is because "he was with friends," it really starts to wear down on you. And it's been like this since he moved in January, and it caused problems even then, save for the week he was here. But though I still feel relatively unimportant... Egh. At least if he has more free time, without friends, and at least if he follows through, I'll have more of him. x:

As for going out with my friends... That's an issue in itself. I don't really have friends. I have acquaintences, you could say, people I hang out with at school but rarely anywhere else, simply because I don't enjoy it. I've been branching out and have been trying to meet people, and I met a guy who lives 40 minutes away. A lot went down, and boyfriend and I both finally came to a peace about this guy yesterday, but rrg. He basically took the side of "I won't have an issue with your male friends so long as they don't like you," and I'm going to sound mightily arrogant when I say a lot of my male friends do and always have, throughout high school and now. x: But it's finally been figured out, which is grand... but even then, the guy is still 40 minutes away.

I can't drive, so I can't go there. And so he has to find the time in his schedule to come here. It's frustrating. I'm learning to drive this summer so hopefully that will help. When I'm feeling down and out, I can go out for a drive or I can simply drive myself to see a movie or whatever I might feel like doing. Hopefully that will help, and who knows, I may meet people whilst out and about as well.

Thank you for the advice. I'm feeling much better and much more level-headed this morning. Still sad, but able to pull the broken pieces back together and start fixing it.
   
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