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mrseverin Offline
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Wanting to fall into oblivion - April 23rd 2010, 08:59 AM

I've been in a downward spiral since I was 10. I've thought of suicide every day since then. The thoughts always linger in my mind, no matter what I try to do to convince myself that things will be OK. I feel completely isolated from my family, friends, and community. Most of all, I feel isolated from my parents. I am a closeted gay teen. I have known this for a year now. I got so close to coming out, but I didn't make it. I don't want to break my dad's heart and tell him, but I don't want to suffer in silence. I want it to stop, once and for all. My mom will never accept me for what I am. I've wanted to destroy her for years. I want to hurt her so badly that she will take her own life. To do so, I've planned to kill myself for four years now. I want to have someone to go to Hell with. I want to be remembered for something.
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Re: Wanting to fall into oblivion - April 23rd 2010, 11:35 PM

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. As a gay teen myself, I can sympathize. Coming out is not an easy task by any means, and it sounds like your parents aren't very accepting of homosexuality. That's always something to be wary of when you make the decision to come out. Take this into consideration: are your parents homophobic to the point that you think they might kick you out of the house if they learn the truth? If so, I'd advise you to wait until you're financially independent to tell them. That way, if they take it badly, you don't have to worry about not having a place to go.

You seem to have a lot of pent up feelings towards your mom. Why do you want to hurt her so badly? Please realize that harming yourself is not a good way to get even. Have you tried talking to her about the way you feel?

You say you feel isolated from your family, friends, and community. I'm going to assume this means that there's no one you feel comfortable talking to at the moment. Is this correct? Would you consider calling a hotline? You don't deserve to die. You should really speak to someone about how you're feeling. Things can really get better, and they will if you take the proper steps.

Take care. xxx
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mrseverin Offline
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Re: Wanting to fall into oblivion - April 24th 2010, 05:40 AM

I hate her for using me for monetary purposes only and not caring at all about me. Since I was young, she's been milking me for welfare money. I would be more comfortable with this if she at least respected me. She doesn't. She's beaten me until I bled, thrown me out of the house, and put me in jail for shit I didn't do. I want to make her pay. If I killed her myself, I would be forced to kill myself or turn myself in. I want to make her suffer until she feels like I do. I cannot tell her how I feel, or else she will look down upon me even more. And she doesn't like males, period. If she found out about my homosexuality, she would be worse. I just want to live or die in peace, and not have to worry about having to hide from her to avoid getting hurt even more. I want to show the world how I feel.
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Re: Wanting to fall into oblivion - April 24th 2010, 05:52 AM

Contact the police or CPS about this. This treatment is unacceptable (child abuse, assault, false imprisonment, neglect/abandonment, and other crimes) and obviously it is so bad where you have gotten to the point of feeling this way. Then legally she will be held responsible for her actions.
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