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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
UltraViolet Offline
Emotionally Unstable
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Name: Lea
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Location: UK

Posts: 403
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Join Date: January 6th 2009

SH and being trapped... - April 23rd 2010, 02:22 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hey guys,
I've not posted for a while.
Dont know why really, threapy hasnt been going well.
I took my Mum to a session. She knows everything know. I mean EVERYTHING.
She even brought me some cream today, to help to heal some of my SH cuts.
But this makes me sad, knowing what I'm know putting her through, I didnt realise how upsetting it was for her untill the other day.
She hasnt told me to stop, partly because I got her to read the book 'Red tears' and in the book the threapist says to the mum not to take the girls 'tools' away, or she might get desperate and hurt herself worse.
My mum knows where i keep my 'tools' sometimes she goes in the draw, to throw away the used blooded tissues and bandages. I've told her not to.

Anyway i havent SHed for about 8 days.
Its not like i've been trying not to do it.
I've thought about doing it. And i want to.
My arms are wrecked anyway, i'll always have some sort of scars.
I just dont want to think that i'm stopping for my mum. What happens if we argue or something? We'll fall out, i'll hate myself, i'll cut myself just to feel something other than the desperation.
I know i will cut again. I havent gone this long without cutting for months, and i know when i cut again, it will have to be deep wont it. I know it will.

I feel lost, but trapped in my own head. My mind, i feel so crazy sometimes.
I think i've got to go and c a physothreapist soon, that should be interesting....

'thanks to you i never trusted...'
- Boy Kill Boy

This depression is a killer...
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Make A Wish ☼
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Name: Lacey
Gender: Female
Location: NY

Posts: 454
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Join Date: January 9th 2010

Re: SH and being trapped... - April 23rd 2010, 04:11 PM

Hey there Lea,

Sounds like you have a lot going on in your life right now. When theres a lot going on its easy to kind of feel lost and confused. So, bear in mind that that is normal. Now, I want to congradulate you on how amazing it is that you let your mom go to a therapy session with you. I know I would never have the guts to do something like that.
I know it must be weird, the fact that she knows, and she is buying you cream and cleaning out your drawer. I totally understand how that could be awkward for you. Does she talk to you about it at all? Not even to try and get you to stop but, to maybe understand why you do it? You may have coverd that in the therapy session, but if you didn't it might be helpful to talk about it.
Now, Lea, stopping SH is a constant battle. One that takes a lot of time and patience and motivation. SH is an addiction. Now, people who go to AA slip up. People who are trying to stop smoking slip up. Sweetie you are allowed to slip up. So, I'm glad you realize that you may cut again in the future. Although, I wish you wouldn't, I can understand that in the right circumstances, how far you've come just won't matter. And thats okay, because the next day you can start again at one. But Lea, you do not have to cut deep. I would perfer you didn't cut at all, personally. But, nothing says you have to cut deep just because you haven't in a while. Push yourself hun. Try not to cut. Work at it. I truly think you can beat this.

I mean, you've gone 8 days already! Come on, even you know how amazing that is!

Lea, the feeling that you are trapped in your own mind is also pretty common when you're depressed. Not for everyone, but it does not mean your crazy. I don't know the real reason why you feel that way, but I know from my past that when I have felt that way, it was because I thought no one else would understand me. So I just kept my thoughts to myself. I kept everything in because I assumed no one would understand. And if that is how you're feeling. I'm here. Reach out to me because I would be glad to come join you.

Lea, I hope you're taking care of yourself. PM me anytime, and I truly mean it.

Life is to short to put it off anymore
You gotta live it before itís too late
I canít turn that clock back around
On what youíre dreaming about
You better do it now, donít wait

Do something crazy and dumb, while your still young. <3

Need to talk? I'm here. --->
  Send a message via MSN to *~Circus Clown~*  
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
dr2005 Offline
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I can't get enough
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Name: Dave
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Location: UK

Posts: 2,221
Join Date: February 14th 2010

Re: SH and being trapped... - April 24th 2010, 04:20 PM

Hey Lea,

Lacey is right - you should be very proud of yourself, both for being willing to take your mum to a session with you (which a lot of people wouldn't have managed) and for not SH-ing for 8 days. Given the triggers for SH and the addictive nature of it, that is really good going and you should see that for the achievement it is.

As Lacey has said, there may be occasions where you slip back into it - it is a form of addiction and very difficult to break, hence why you managing not to cut for 8 days is very impressive. However, the fact that it is addictive behaviour does not mean that it is inevitable you will fall back into it, and it certainly doesn't mean that you have to cut deep - it doesn't mean that at all. It isn't as though you have to compensate for a lack of SH, and I really hope you don't feel that way about it because compared with how you were sounding when I first spoke to you you've made a lot of progress. People can and do get out of the habit of SH, and provided the therapist and support team can help you through the other issues then you have a chance to do that as well. Try and remember that, and don't give up on what you have managed up to now.

I hope that therapy starts to work a bit better for you from now onwards - I can understand how it can get disheartening if it isn't going to plan, but it's a gradual process and you will eventually find out what works best for you. In the meantime, stay strong and we're here for you.

Take care.

"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." - Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom

However bleak things seem, however insurmountable the darkness appears, remember that you have worth and nothing can take that away.

Originally Posted by OMFG!You'reActuallySmart! View Post
If you're referring to dr2005's response, it's not complex, however, he has a way with words .
RIP Nick
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Prozac Offline
I can't get enough
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Posts: 3,499
Blog Entries: 108
Join Date: January 8th 2009

Re: SH and being trapped... - April 24th 2010, 05:45 PM

Hey there Lea,

I think that you need to try and recognise some of the positives here, although that can be hard. I think it's great that you managed to take your mum to a therapy session and that she has been supporting you. By purchasing the cream for your cuts, that's her way of showing love and support, Lea. It's good that you do have her support and that you've been able to communicate with her about your self harm.
You are also very strong for not self harming for eight days, that's absolutely amazing! You've been so strong to resist temptation so far. Be proud of yourself. You don't have to hurt yourself again, Lea. I believe in you, but you need to start believing in yourself, too.

Good luck with seeing a psychotherapist and I hope that they help you.
Take care.
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