Triggering: Honesty in therapy.

[Faye.]

Hmmm.. Things should be going good for me right now. Everythings in my favour, and I'm being more honest than ever with people. I mean, I talked my parents and friends last week when i was feeling shit and it was ok. And usually the more I talk about how I'm feeling the better I feel but not right now :/

I'm seeing my therapist on thursday for the first time in a few weeks, and I'm considering whether to stop going or not. Things haven't improved at all in the past 3-4 months and it feels like they never will get better. I don't feel any benefit from going to therapy but then again maybe it's not the best idea to stop when I'm still self harming and have issues with eating.

That's another thing, as I've said I'm being more honest, but that doesn't mean completely honest. I've never actually told the truth to my therapist about the fact I make my self throw up, or told the truth about how and when I self harm or told her that the thought of suicide comes to my head a coupkle times a week. And I've been thinking wether this is why I feel like I'm not getting any better. Well, actually, I'm fairly sure that there isn't going to be any more improvement until I really talk about these things.

Just I'm scared, it feels like things at home are just about getting stable again, mee saying anything is just going to upset that and it'll be hell again. I feel like saying something would just be opening up a can of worms. But I don't want to carry on going to my therapist, wasting my parents money, when I know no good will come of it. I don't know.. guess I have 3 choices:

a) Continue going to therapy and talk about all the things I've mentioned
b) Go to therapy and just continuing answering questions with non answers
c) Stop seeing my therapist and just see what happens

I can't decide between them though. All I want to do now is give up. Go to bed and not get up.

Faye x

[firecracker]

Hey Faye First of all, I just wanted to say that it's a great thing you're going to therapy, it's a big step to get there and you should be proud.

However, you said that your situation doesn't seem to be getting better, it might be because you're not being completely honest. For your therapist to give you real help, they need to know everything. The best thing you can do is tell her what's going on. Suicidal feelings, self-mutilation and forced vomiting are all serious issues that need to be dealt with. Going to therapy is all about "opening up [that] can of worms."

I'm not saying it will be easy, but I know you can find the courage in you to do it. Quitting therapy would definitely be a step backwards and non-answers don't do anyone any favors.

I hope things get better.

[loveyou2218]

heyy faye =]
i know exactly what you're feeling, I was in that position about 2 years ago. I'm really glad things are going good for you, but I can promise you that the only way they'll STAY good and get BETTER are if you're honest with your therapist. it might be hard when you first start out, but once you build up the patient-therapist realtionship, it'll be easier and coem naturally. my therapist is like my best friend haha =]

[WillO'Wisp]

Faye, I think you should give the therapist a chance to help you, go see them at least try and mention everything you just told us, even some personal things that have been bothering you. They have heard and dealt with worse than that, they are professionals and they can really help you if you gave it a shot.

[Faye.]

Thanks a lot for your replies guys, they're really helpful. I guess I know I need to be honest about this stuff, it's just hard to face it. I don't know where to find the bravery to talk it about. I guess, I don't believe it would make enough of a difference for me to talk about it. I realise that I probably should start telling the truth but not enough of me wants to. There's this huge portion of me that just thinks don't bother it's pointless. I don't know how to start being honest, do I just say that in the past 8 months half of the things I've told my therapist are lies.

In my head this was so much easier. In my head as soon as I got help I'd be skipping along the yellow brick road to recovery. But it just feels like I'm going in circles. I don't think that I care enough about getting better to achieve anything. I don't know how to find the motivation .

Faye x