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ThePuppet Offline
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What is my life, and where is it going... - April 26th 2010, 03:30 AM

Before I post this, I feel as though I should talk about myself. I am here in want of advice, and maybe some guidance. I don't plan on posting much other than this, I just want some analyzation. And perhaps just to release some weight off of my shoulders.

I am a 16 year old male in high school. I live in a middle class family with most of my family still in tact. I live in a small town, and it may not be great but it beats most other neighboring cities. So as you can tell my life really is just fine.

Most of my life revolves around schooling, and dedicating time to some of my hobbies. Ive never really been the outdoors type and my only hobbies consist of surfing the internet, gaming, and playing guitar in my spare time. Most of my days are spent in a dark bedroom as I have very little friends other than those made through the internet.

But the reason im here is to discuss recurring feelings that I get quite often, I had gone through a huge stage of depression earlier this year, and some of the feelings I had gotten during that phase have recurred and thus pushed me to finally discuss these feelings.

This depression was the type where you just want to laze around in bed all day, Even when you arent tired. I even missed massive amounts of school due to skipping just to stay home and sleep all day, and night. But I feel I might have problems beyond a depression here and there. No matter how happy go lucky I may appear.

I often get overwhelming feelings of paranoia, Even a wrong look in my direction sends me into a frenzy. I always feel as if everybody is working against me and as if I am just a puppet to them. These bursts of paranoia are often devastating. I often spend whole nights just laying in bed without sleep because the feeling completely destroys me.

Im not really too emotional but even small things can throw me into a fit of depression behind closed doors, A joke, an insult, and these feelings if they are tied to people may also lead to the paranoid feelings I just discussed. And as you can imagine its very difficult for me to befriend people, or become close with them because I can never lay a certain amount of trust in a person without thinking I was betrayed over small things. I often get the feeling that im being used for the personal gain of others.

Nostalgia. Nostalgia is usually a nice thing, but my past haunts me on a daily basis. Sometimes without even witnessing something nostalgic. A devastating amount of longing for the past, And I would even say I miss my old life. I sometimes feel like breaking down because these things will never come about again.

Hopelessness, Sometimes I get the feeling that living isn't going to amount to anything. We're all just going to die. Why live? I do not practice self-harm and I don't often get thoughts of suicide. Ive been an agnostic all of my life. I dont believe in an afterlife, Or anything like that. This could be a cause.

Death, I don't think ive covered this. But I have a sick belief when it comes to death. And dark things. I have no sympathy over the loss of another human being, And I don't see death as a horrible thing at all. In fact, I view it as a release. I have no sympathy for anything. I've always been a firm believer of survival of the fittest, Im fine with the fact that murderers and rapists exist. Its sick, I know. But Its just the way I feel.

Hate... the strongest emotion I feel on a daily basis, A strong hate for everything. Even things that have done nothing to me, I hate people, I hate myself. I dont have a reason to hate. I just have an intense amount of rage built up in me for no reason. I often get anger impulses, the type of impulse that makes you just want to harm somebody. This isn't me, Im not the type to harm even a fly.

And loneliness, No matter what ive covered so far. I've always had a piece of me deep down that just craves attention and love. But these emotions I just discussed often get in the way of interaction with other people on a daily basis and leaves me stuck here with nothing, I have nothing. Or at least dont appreciate what I have.

I really dont know where my life is headed guys. The past few years of my life have been spent in the darkness, I wish to turn my life around more than anything. But I just dont have the effort to push forth and make the change.
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Alyak Offline
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Re: What is my life, and where is it going... - May 6th 2010, 03:41 AM

u can do it! just believe that u can get through it, tons of people are here to help u het through these rough times.
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Re: What is my life, and where is it going... - May 7th 2010, 01:25 AM

Your hate originates from the loneliness. I am an introvert and sometimes my introvertism gave rise to hate of everything because I was lonely. So loneliness is a big thing in this situation of yours.

Your freewill counts alot. Begin going out to breathe the air, go to movies and slowly you shall begin to build relationships or friendships after sometime. But you have to make the choice to go out and to stop sitting in your room the whole day. You play the guitar, perhaps there is somewhere you can play or join a musical play in your school if you have one.

I came here to help out, so if you wanna talk or just need someone to bounce ideas or issues off of or something else then send me a message and I will reply as soon as I can.
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Re: What is my life, and where is it going... - May 10th 2010, 12:05 AM

Your having common feelings of kids your age.
I've been through several bouts of deep depression, suicidal thoughts/tendencies, and cutting.
Your feelings stem from loneliness and self-worth.
Please message me and talk to me about it more.
There is so much that life has to offer. Your options are endless as long as you try.
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Re: What is my life, and where is it going... - May 10th 2010, 04:22 AM

High School was hell for me. I had "zero" friends. The few friends I had, one was sent to a mental institute. I went through depression and considered suicide. I never thought those years would end. I always thought I'd be stuck as the king of nowhere town, the ultimate no one. I was scared that people who entered my life were just trying to get to me, attack me, that I'd let them in and they'd leave me for dead. My family was cool, but they always stated I wasn't the same kid I used to be. I felt like everywhere I looked was dead. I almost killed somebody in those years, albeit to protect somebody and I was terrified by all the anger and rage that I built. I was afraid that I'd lose control. Kind of felt like some demonic entity or ghost was ripping all my life from me and replacing it by negative thoughts. I didn't think it would ever end...

BUT it did end. Sure, some things are still being worked out. However I couldn't be more on top of the world. I have friends. People I feel I can lean on for support even when I hit ground bottom. I'm graduating into a life in LA, I have an internship at my dream company with execs that I know I can go to for help with anything (I never in my wildest beliefs before thought I would get here), I didn't get into my dream school - but still, I'm here ready to go from nowhere land to finally being somebody. I went from a kid who wanted to kill himself, hated life, could only see darkness to someone that whenever I think about my future and how it's just a month away, I can't help but get excited.

So what is your life? Call it angst, for the time being. Where is it going? You hold strong, you believe, you can go anywhere. Trust me, it might not seem like it, but it's true. If I were to go back and tell my 16 year old self where I'd be at 22 - there's no way in hell I would have believed it. But here I am. So don't worry about the future, don't worry about your angst, it's all "St. Elmo's fire" in the long run. It hurts, but it can only control your future if you let it - and even then - trust me, high school really is far from the years that determine the rest of your life - I'd say that begins Jr. year (if that) of college.

If you hold strong, you believe, trust me - the skies the limit. That's where your life's going - the past doesn't define us, the present doesn't really define us, our strength as SURVIVORS in the dark allows one to go to heights they never would have dreamed.

"Maybe I just like people. Maybe sexuality isn't one thing or the other. Maybe it's just something that's shifting and moving. I just know I'm not thinking man or woman."
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