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Popo Offline
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Losing it.. for the umpteenth time - April 27th 2010, 11:31 PM

Fair warning: I use profanity.

I'm not going to bother with background this time. I've lost count of how many of these "episodes" I've had now. So I might as well start with the things that are upsetting me.

One-Two of my best friends remind me every day of the fact that I'm alone.
Short story: My best friend was suicidal back in November '08. I told the girl that he liked (for several years), who, at this time, we had next to no contact. She brought him back from his depression. Soon after, they started dating, and they've both told me that it was due to me. Fast forward 2 years, and My depression is a doctor's visit away from being diagnosable, and their relationship, although not perfect, is growing stronger every day. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for both of them. But it's killing me. My best friend told me a few days ago his plans after she graduates (he failed a year). He mentioned saving money for an engagement ring. I didn't let it show at the time, but I wanted to cry.

Two-Another close friend is broken, and it's the first time I've had trouble helping anyone.
Remember how I said that my best friends' relationship wasn't perfect? Well, about a month ago, they had a "break" because of another girl that he was with. He'll never admit it, but it was cheating, black and white. He slept with her. He cuddled with her. He downright pissed me off. And at this time, I was working on cheering up his (ex?) girlfriend, with next to no problem. He ended up back with his original girlfriend, basically cutting all ties with the other girl. I don't act like that. I've been (unsuccessfully) trying to help her since then. The night he told her, she was crying so hard she hurt all over. And since then, she's been having dreams of him and his girlfriend together, which makes her wake up crying. And he made her promise him not to kill herself, so she started trying to find alternative ways to intentionally die without committing suicide (AKA: Dying of hypothermia by walking into a freezing cold lake). I don't enjoy making threats, although I joke about it all the time. But I swear, if she finds a way to kill herself, I'm going to do everything in my power to make him regret ever hurting her.

Three-I'm cursed with being alone.
This ties in with #1. I've always been the nice guy. Always. And technically, I have had a girlfriend (2 years of nothing [not even talking]. The most we did was hold hands [this was in 8th grade]), but really, it'd be easier to say that I've never had one. I'm always going to be the fat, nice friend. Every time I see a couple showing compassion (It's gotten so bad that this even includes holding hands), it eats me from the inside out. Every single time I see a girl in a situation worse than my own, it kills me. I want to do so much, but in reality, I'm limited to online messaging (I'm worse than terrible at talking in person). Case in point: The "other" girl from #2. She's got a.. bad home life, and she lives a town away, so it's not like I can do anything. And I want to do so much for her, but I really can't. (I've even briefly considered talking my mother into "adopting" her just to get her away)
Or this other girl.. She hates being at home, and I know for a fact that she's cut. She falls in "love" with assholes, and ends up getting hurt. And I haven't asked yet, but she seems like the type of girl that's considered killing herself before. I've done almost everything she's asked me to do, without complaint. And I don't even know why.

Four-My Family... Ugh.
My father sits at home all day watching TV, or browsing ebay for more shit to waste his money on and throw away a week later. He also hasn't tried to be a father for over 16 years, and now my mother wants me to try to act like a son. Screw that.
My mother is... ignorant. She doesn't ever believe my word (example: I told her that running a cable would be better than using another wireless card on our network. She gets me a shitty wireless card. Two weeks later, my windows crashes and I don't have a ubuntu driver for the wireless card. cables don't need drivers.), and the single time she outright believed me was when a "friend" of mine told her that I was planning on killing myself. Of course, I was planning on it, but I told her that I wasn't. She bought it. That was the first and last time she listened to my word. It was also the worst possible time, because now I'm stuck in this endless loop of depression episodes.

Five (Damn!)-School, and other stresses
Things I'm stressed about that are too small to fit in another group
-Prom (And I'm not even going)
-Getting this big scholarship that I'm going to have to give a speech for. (Keyword: Speech)
-Annoying-As-FUCK Classmates that can't take a hint.
-Stuck-Up Prick Assclown teachers that won't accept work (that would pass me[Grade:64, Passing:65]) a day late.
-Asshole teachers that falsely report that I'm failing
-My weight (300+ lbs and counting, WOO-Fucking-HOO)
-Not being recognized for my experience (Computer Repair class finished last year, you'd think the school would have something for me to do.)
-Little brown nosed-pureboy classmate that REALLY can't take a hint.

And I think that the worst part about all of this is that no matter how terrible I felt, no matter how much I wanted to, I haven't cried once over this. Come to think of it, I haven't cried since elementary school. I've gotten teary a few times, but nothing 100%.

..I just want something to either push me off or pull me back, because I'm tired of being on the edge.

Favorite Quote: "Never to suffer would never to have been blessed" -Edgar Allan Poe
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miika Offline
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Re: Losing it.. for the umpteenth time - April 28th 2010, 11:24 AM

hey Colton,
im sorry your having such a hard time at the minute from reading your post i think you need to believe in your self if you can get some confidence in yourself people will notice, you have to be happy in your self before you can help other people it sounds to me like your helping everyone around you (dont get me wrong its a great thing to do ) but you also need time for number 1. take some you time and build some confidence i know thats one of the hardest things to do but you cant move forward until you get everything out of your system. have you thought about going to a councellor? talkin about it with someone might really help people listen to your advice so it might be a good idea to listen to some from someone who can help and understand. if you need to talk feel free to pm me anytime xx

~pm me anytime, night or day, i want to know what you have to say~

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