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MikeH Offline
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I have some serious problems.. - May 2nd 2010, 06:49 AM

I recently (well, 5ish months) have started dating this girl, who I feel like I can say, I love a lot. She's had quite a history, and we've had many conversations, etc. but let me give you the scenarios.

She had a relationship with a 23 year old man when she was just 14. She was going through a rough patch in her life, needed someone, etc. etc. he was there for her, so they started a relationship. They would text each other all the time, etc.

This guy was also her youthgroup pastor, which seconded me to no the millionth degree. The only sexual contact they ever had was when he more or less forced her to receive a blow job, and only kissed a few times, because she truly felt uncomfortable around him. They eventually "broke up" when he left the state for awhile. But he came back, and got married.

Now. We started dating a year or so after this. She's made peace with it, but I haven't, after she told me. She kept it as a secret, because she was worried that she'd be looked at as a whore, etc. etc. but finally, I had her work up enough courage to let his wife know.

Why would I want her to know? I guess out of spite. Possibly ruin his marriage, yes. But at the same time, she had a right to know, right? If you married a child predator, who was a youth pastor, nonetheless, you'd want to know, amirite? And that was a big part of it to. My girlfriend had to see him every week, which I felt uncomfortable about. Words cannot describe the hate I have for this man.

So, she send the wife and email on Facebook, at 12 at night. Needless to say the wife called my girlfriend, instantly. My girlfriend was lying in bed (she shares a room with her sister) and was terrified to answer. So I called the wife, and me and her had a two hour long conversation on the phone, which was hard for me, and I can imagine hard for her. Eventually this animal cut into the phone conversation, and started trying to convince me it didn't happen, but my whole argument made sense, using facts, and such, while he eventually cracked when I began to pretend to call the police.

Blah blah blah, this guy has disappeared. He is out of my girlfriends life, and by extension mine. I don't know where he is, and frankly, I don't care. If it was up to me, he'd be in jail right now, getting raped, like he did to my girl. Words cannot describe...

Meh. That was a month ago, and I'm sure the situation can be interpreted differently by people, especially because this is online. But me and her are perfectly happy together.

Anywho, my mind has began to wander. Mental images of this.. "blow job" have began to enter my mind. But along with that, minor things, and images began to appear in my mind. Her texting him, them hugging.. them at the park (where the jackass would take her) etc. and it's just bothered the hell out of me, to the point that I can't concentrate in school, or at home.

Jealousy? Perhaps. Well, probably. The real issue lies with.. my.. other unnescessary feelings. I know my girlfriend cut herself once, a few months ago, across the leg. And that makes me sick to my stomach. I'm scared to argue with her, because I am constantly worrying she will do it again.

Meanwhile, I feel bad about things I shouldn't feel anything over. For some reason, hearing about her field trips from the previous years, seeing her talk to other guys, and even sometimes girls. Hearing about her boyfriend from the 6th grade (they only dated.. a week? Lol) set on some form of depression in me. Hell, I was invited to her birthday party months before we started dating.. and I didn't go. I feel sick about it now. Not sad. Sick.

These strong.. depressing emotions have been coming over me recently, and I don't know why. I'm not crazy, or abusive, like you'd expect. I am the jealous type don't get me wrong, but the fact that hearing about past fields sets in some form of depression in me is.. shocking. I really don't know whats wrong with me?

What I do know is, I can't take it. I'm not going to break up with her. Contrary to what you might think, based on what's above, I am perfectly happy with her. She is beautiful, makes me laugh, is smart, etc. etc. *insert generic compliment here.*

But really, I would never leave her over it. I am smart enough to know, that I'm probably going to feel like this, regardless of who I'm with in the future. That's where the problem lies. I've told my parents about the feelings.. their solution is for me to get my mind off of it. To think of something else, something funny, etc.

My problem is.. I do it. Yet, it ALWAYS comes back. At random times. For instance, the other day, I was watching T.V.. It was a very funny show, one I usually enjoy. However, mid-laugh, I imagined her, and that old animal of a man hanging out in his car. I wanted to vomit. I had to turn the T.V. off, and I just sat there.. sick.

Today, we were at a birthday party. I told her how her cutting once made me feel, and how if she ever did it again, she'd leave me. She swore up and down she wouldn't it, it was a mistake, etc. etc. yet, I sit here, 1:40 in the morning, and I just began imagining her cutting herself.

And I currently feel incredibly sick. My thought process now? If she does it again, it's my fault. The whole reason she did it in the first place was because of this guy. If I dumped her, she'd do it again, and it'd be my fault. She did it originally, because I wasn't there for her.

I am rambling, I know. And I know I can diagnose myself.. but what I want to know, is how to forget all of this. How to forget the situation, and just have a happy life, and a happy relationship with her. I really do love her. And don't get the wrong idea, it's not like she brings all this up out of the blue to make me upset. Rather, I'm the one who prys.. and always finds out too much.

I just need to.. forget. I just need to get these images out of my head. Get the thoughts out of my head.. etc.

Sorry for the ramble. Help me.. please.
   
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Re: I have some serious problems.. - May 2nd 2010, 06:52 AM

And short of me sounding uber nuts/paranoid, I feel sick when she goes to youth group. She goes to one of those youth groups that do nothing but make one feel bad about oneself. Everytime she goes, she comes back doubting herself as a person. And I guess because of the connotations Youth Group has in my head, after hearing about that sick animal of a human that use to go there.
   
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blacklilac Offline
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Re: I have some serious problems.. - May 2nd 2010, 08:16 AM

do you want to talk to her? maybe just sitting down and talking with her, telling her how you feel would work. plus, you might feel better telling someone instead of keeping it all bottled up within you.

hope this helps.

oh, and don't worry, you don't sound paranoid! it's okay to ramble on because sometimes that's the only way to feel better.
   
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