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blacklilac Offline
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Age: 24
Gender: Female
Location: Singapore/Malaysia

Posts: 53
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Join Date: May 2nd 2010

:( - May 2nd 2010, 09:05 AM


i'm a scholar, and i'm under tremendous pressure to do well and follow in the footsteps of my sister, who passed her o levels with flying colours. my parents expect me to do as well as she did, but i really feel that i was never meant to study, but i have no idea how to tell them that.

i know studying is important, and i really do enjoy school. it's just the amount of tests and projects that i never seem to do well in that is getting to me. i've always loved creating, to let my creative juices flow, but school stifles that and now i just don't have the energy to write my beloved poems or stories, or doodle the simple stickman comics or dresses i love drawing.

i've been having trouble concentrating in class, i'm just totally exhausted to even think, yet i'm afraid the teachers now have a bad impression of me for sleeping in their classes. i'm taking my chinese olevel this year. i really need to do well. but i don't know if i can.

i know i need to study, but i just can't bring myself to do it. i panic whenever i see something i don't know, then i hide from it.

my sister is a scholar too, and everyone, parents, teachers, friends expect me to be as academically-inclined as she is. and as for friends, i never seem to have gotten true friends before.

we came as a batch of ten girls from malaysia, on the scholarship to singapore. competition is horrible, and so is gossip. i've been bullied and ignored, going through all six years of my primary school life without a single true friend i could count on, although there were a multitude of temporary ones. that experience was why i've always refused to resort to trickery or bullying to get my way. i could never play their mind games, and why suck up to someone just to get that particular thing you want?

i have never told my family about how i feel before. sometimes i want to, but it's just impossible. i've kept a diary once, when i was a tiny tot, but somehow my family read it and ever since then i have just bottled my feelings up.

i feel hopeless, my grades are down, i have no idea what i want from life anymore. my head hurts. my mother thinks i'm a worthless internet addict, when all i do is to listen to songs, to try take my mind off things, and facebook to well, run away from it all. i random sms my friends sometimes, because it makes me feel happy, that someone is actually willing to reply me, yet more often than not they don't, and i worry that i've annoyed them.

i've always wanted true friends, but how?

deepest apologies for wasting your time. please do ignore this rant.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Victoria ♥ Offline
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Name: Victoria
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Location: IRAW

Posts: 644
Join Date: February 16th 2010

Re: :( - May 2nd 2010, 01:54 PM


It sounds like there’s alot in going on in your life at the moment that is leading to you feeling stressed and unhappy. I know that it’s difficult when you’re under pressure and feel you have to ‘live up’ to someone else achievements. Do you think that you would be able to talk to your parents about how you are struggling to motivate yourself or that you are worried that you won’t do as well as they think? The thing is that you need to try to do well for yourself rather than just trying to please your parents and other people. It might also help if you talk to your teachers if you are struggling with things related to school and work because I’m sure they would be willing to help you try to sort things out.

It must be hard to feel like you can’t trust or talk to your family and it’s understandable that you feel like this after they betrayed our trust and read your diary. Do you think that you might be able to work towards opening up to them again? They may have read your diary because they were worried about you, I don’t know, but if this has affected you this badly then maybe you should tell them. If you don’t think that you can talk to your parents about how you’re feeling then it’s important that you find someone else that you can open up to and confide in whether this be a teacher, doctor or friend.

It might also help you if you take up a new sport because this way you will get the opportunity to meet some new people and make some more friends aswell, it’ll also help you get away from things and have something else that you enjoy doing when you’re feeling low. Facebook and music is always good though!

Oh yeah... and you aren’t wasting peoples time

You can always PM me if you want to talk,
Take care,

♥ 18.10.08 ♥
LiveHelp Operator
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