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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
TiredBrownEyes Offline
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I was almost ready to let go... - May 3rd 2010, 02:54 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Triggering: Self-harm, Suicide

I've had my ups and downs during this friggin fight with depression. But this week was the first of it's kind.

I had a complete break down while I was in the shower. I wasn't having a particularly good day, and was mad at myself for having thoughts of going back to cutting. Anyways, It was after my dad scolded me for wanting to eat a third hot dog. Sounds funny, but they have been nagging me on my weight lately and it's hard enough with me nagging myself about it. I went upstairs, and sat in the shower. I figured I was going to cut after I got in the shower, that was my plan anyways.

Then I started crying. It's been hard for me to cry lately, and it was my first time crying in a very long time. I sobbed for what felt like hours. Then, I was ready to get out of the shower and bring that glass (what I use) to my legs. But as I turned off the water, and stepped out..I had an odd feeling.

There was only silence in my mind. I heard nothing around me, and everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. My feelings and frustrations were gone, and my inner thoughts had slowed and nearly disappeared. I remember commenting on the silence and how nice it was. Then I slowly made my way to my bedroom in this state and laid down. After that I never moved for the rest of the night. A few times I heard foot steps and I wanted to turn my head to see who it was, but I didn't. I was completely...numb for a lack of a better word. I couldn't turn my head, turn off the light, close the door, get up etc, etc. It was odd, and when I think back to it...scary.

The day after I was sitting on my bed with my glass in my hand and the glace placed firmly on my wrist. I was ready to do it, I was ready to die. But fear took me back and I put the glass back and just sat on my bed for a while. My negative mood started last Monday and has sloooooowly been getting better since.

I guess I wanted your guys' opinion on what the numb feeling was. I've never had it before and it randomly came. I don't understand it.
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Re: I was almost ready to let go... - May 6th 2010, 03:18 AM

hmm... i understand what you are going through I have been breaking down a lot lately, and have thought about self harm. i believe the numb feeling may be your body's way of telling u not to hurt yourself, keep believing that life will get better, cause it will. dont hurt yourself, it will only bring pain to the ones u love. Keep strong!
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Re: I was almost ready to let go... - May 7th 2010, 02:04 AM

First, don't be angry at yourself. The silence was peace. And it came from all the crying because the crying was you acknowledging and forgiving yourself for thinking those thoughts. So it was inner peace, nice for you to feel it.

The numbness perhaps has nothing to do with what you are going through emotionally. I think it may perhaps be sleep paralysis. I just had it a few days ago. If it becomes common then its a true problem. But it happens only sometimes, so don't worry about it.

I came here to help out, so if you wanna talk or just need someone to bounce ideas or issues off of or something else then send me a message and I will reply as soon as I can.
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Re: I was almost ready to let go... - May 7th 2010, 04:53 AM

The numb feeling could be a result of crying so much - I know that when I cry a lot, afterwards I often feel numb and "unreal". Often with things like depression and other mental illnesses feeling numb as you have is a symptom, so if you're seeing someone about your depression it's worth mentioning it next time you see them as they may be able to help do something about it.
Ella x
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MadPoet Offline
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Re: I was almost ready to let go... - May 7th 2010, 05:03 AM

Hey Vanessa,

I know what it's like to struggle with depression, so I can understand what you've going through. I've felt that numb feeling, so to speak, before, and I know that it can be pretty scary when you think back on it. Most of the time, I find it to be tiredness. I cry for a long time, and by the time I'm through crying I end up feeling really worn out, not in the mood to put effort into anything, just kind of withdrawn from life. It takes awhile for the feeling to go away, and it's more common at night for me, when I'm alone. I know it feels strange, and it's not something I completely understand myself. But rest assured that it's probably pretty normal. If it happens more frequently, though, then you might want to see a doctor to make sure it's not anything serious.

As for your depression, have you ever thought about seeking professional help for what you are going through? I know that this sounds scary, and maybe even unnecessary at times, but it sounds like your depression has really started to become a serious problem for you, and that's never a good thing. You might want to think about talking your parents into taking you to see a psychiatrist or a therapist, especially since you have begun to turn to self harm.

That fear you felt before you were about to kill yourself, Vanessa, wasn't really just fear. It was hope. The truth is that if you really were completely hopeless, you would have acted upon your intentions. If you were hopeless, you wouldn't be alive right now. Every second your heart beats, every second you're still here, you still have hope. Try not to forget that. You WILL learn to cope with this. I believe in you!

If you ever need to talk things through, send me a PM anytime.

A lonely soul in a land of broken hearts

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Re: I was almost ready to let go... - May 9th 2010, 10:07 PM

Thank you so much you guys! Your words truly mean a lot, (made me want to cry lol).
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