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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
L'espoir Offline
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Name: Jen
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Feel kinda crap - May 3rd 2010, 12:39 PM

Well now I know what my dad thinks of me. It's nice to know the truth I guess but boy does it hurt. I thought he was done hurting me, I thought he cared. Attention seeking though? Really? All I wanted was for him to love me and be there, for him to stop shouting, to stop all the horrible stuff. I just wanted everyone to be happy. I don't know how much more I can take of people thinking awful stuff about me. I feel like I'm being torn to pieces and I know he doesn't even realise how much his words cut me. They all make me doubt myself so much, how can I believe anything good about myself when I still hear his voice in the back of my mind.

I stopped seeing him because of all the aggression, because I couldn't get past it all. My problem, yeah I guess so, not his. No matter what they may think though, it wasn't for attention. Neither was the self harm. I was planning on giving it another chance but I don't think I can, I can't set myself up for another fall. I refuse to do that to myself. I feel like I'm the cause of everyones problems and I can't take it.

He said family is whats important and that we should be more like a family.. but I dont think families should do that to each other. I wish he would stop taking his frustrations out on me. I didn't make him have an affair, I didn't make him have angry problems, I didnt make my sister develop an eating disorder and I didnt mean for any of the other bad stuff to happen.
They couldn't care less that I still self harm, I can see that. Nobody cares. I can slice myself to pieces and everyone will still carry on trying to pretend we have this perfect little family when in reality we're all falling apart. I hardly even feel like part of a family anymore, I just feel like I'm my own family, I'm on my own. You're all just people I live with and we keep ourselves to ourselves. I don't like living a lie but thats the game we're playing isn't it? Who can appear the strongest on the outside, who can hold on to control the best.

Nobody at school notices either, they all think I've quit and when they notice marks they turn a blind eye. I'm good at putting on my happy face again, I learned that when I'm not happy for everyone they don't like me anymore. If you want "friends" at school, you have to act happy, you have to laugh and smile and pretend you don't know what they are saying behind your back. I tried to ask one time about why you were talking about me to other people and it nearly cost me all of my friends. I won't make the same mistake again, I understand how it is now.

I told mum the panic attacks stopped. I tell my head of year I'm just stressed over exams and just need a few minutes to calm down. I tell my classmates that I was just feeling ill. I don't mention it to anyone. I just don't think I'm worth it, what can they do anyway? Everyone seems happier with me when they think they don't happen anymore. I just want people to like me, I don't see how anyone could love a fat ugly disgusting pathetic usless mess like me though.

I like a boy at my youth group but I don't see that he could like me, why would he? a few of the boys including the one I like were touching me the other week, they would grope my bum and try and feel my boobs. I just stand there, I dont know the appropriate way to react, I dont know if i like it but I dont know if I dislike it either. I let them do whatever they want, I just want to fit in, I just want them to like me. I don't think I mind if the boy I like does it, he makes me feel happy and he makes me laugh, when I see him I get butterflies, I love it when he puts his arms around me. The others though, I dont think so, it just makes me feel a bit dirty. I asked one of them "what are you doing" and he just said that he can't help himself, that he thinks im really iresistable. I dont want him or anyone to stop liking me so I guess thats why I let them do what they want. Its nice to feel wanted for once. Nobody looks at me at school, they all think im pathetic.

I can't stop with the cutting but it's not enough to block out the feelings. Just once when someone asks how I am and I say "I'm good" I wish they would look me in the eyes and ask for the truth.

I'm really sorry that this is so long, I just needed to get it all out. I know nobody will probably read it all but if you do manage to reply I will appreciate it so much.


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Name: Victoria
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Re: Feel kinda crap - May 3rd 2010, 02:19 PM

Hey Jen,

I’m sorry to hear about what’s been going on. I can really relate to the situation with your dad because it sounds a lot like mine. I know how difficult it is and especially how difficult it is to stop speaking to him and feel like you’re partly to blame. The thing is though that nothing that has happened is your fault, I know it’s easy to let people tell you that and make you feel that way but you couldn’t have stopped any of this happening.

You’re right, families shouldn’t do that to each other and it’s hard when you realise that your parents who you once thought were perfect could let you down. The thing is though that your dad will regret it, he had a family and an amazing daughter and he’s let all that go. Although it’s difficult for you to deal with and accept, I would say it’s more of your dads problem than yours. Think of all the things he’s going to miss out on with you and your sister.

As for the self harm, I’m sorry you have gone back to doing this. I think it’s important that you let people know that you are still doing it because you need some help. Your friends don’t seem to be being very supportive at the moment, which is really sad. They should be there for you and you shouldn’t feel like you have to put on an act around them, they should accept you for who you are. The worst thing you can do right now is bottle things up and feel like you can’t talk about how you’re feeling because that’s what I did and it really didn’t help. People shouldn’t say that you’re doing it for attention, you’re going through so much at the moment and I think you’re just resorting to self harming as a way of coping. I do think it’s important that you find some healthier ways to cope though because you don’t deserve to be punishing yourself, you’ve been hurt enough.

Maybe talking to your mum and head of year would be a good place to start; hopefully they will be able to support you. You are worth it Jen, even if you can’t see it now, there are people around you that love you and will want to help you but if you don’t show them how you are feeling they may not Know you are struggling and need help.

About the youth group, it’s good that you really like someone but I don’t think that the boys are behaving in an appropriate manner, you shouldn’t feel like you have to put up with them touching you just so you feel liked. If I were you then I’d tell them to stop, in my opinion they are taking advantage of you and again, you don’t deserve that.

Again i'm really sorry to hear what you're going through,
If you want to talk about things then PM me anytime
I hope you start to feel better soon hun,
Vicky xx



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