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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
UltraViolet Offline
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Name: Lea
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what have i done?! - May 4th 2010, 04:51 PM

i am a mess and a disapointment

i have just completly blown up at my mother for nothing
screaming and shouting.
then just repeating how much of a horriable person i am
i really hurt her, and im sick of it
'we hurt the people we love the most' definatly
and this reason doesnt make it ok
i hate myself even more for it
shes worth more than i am, a hundred times more, and every single day im hurting her somehow. hurting someone, someone other than myself
i couldnt stop myself from shouting, all the reason y i must and should die.
y i need to die

she hated me for voicing this, all my reasons.
becasue she knows i am right
i went hysterical
i feel my mind is slipping away
i dont know who i am, what im doing until ive done it
i cant explain it right
nothing is right, i cant fix anything ive done.
i feel the rage come over me like a cloud, and i cant see
i feel like im going to burst, the pain in my head gets to strong.
and then i just want to curl up and die
i shatter everything into tiny pieces. then wonder y its broken
im broken, i wasnt like this before
all these moods, the anger, this side of me wasnt there
but now, where have i gone.

im lost within myself now.
i couldnt stop screaming about suicide, how everything would be ok when i was gone
im sick of craving myself up alll the time, it doesnt work anymore
so now the only way is to go
to leave, to stop the hurt that i cause.
i really need to get it together, to stop this.
to make it end.

'thanks to you i never trusted...'
- Boy Kill Boy

This depression is a killer...
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Alyak Offline
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Re: what have i done?! - May 5th 2010, 04:59 AM

hey, i kind of understand you, my friend is in the same boat as you... wants to end their life due to meaningless. Im sorry you feel this way, i myself am depressed, but life will get better... if you end it without trying to go on, you really are hurting your family, and it wont help if you kill yourself... i know how death effects family... it is so painful. this probably isnt the most helpful advice, but try to keep living, life is so precious, and not worth throwing away because of a couple downfalls... live your life
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: what have i done?! - May 5th 2010, 05:15 AM

I wish I could say that I've been in your place so that I could know exactly what to tell you to do. But you can't harm yourself. And you shouldn't, and you don't need to. Because things can only get better from here. When everything is down and you're tired of life and you're at the bottom, that means the only way left is up. Things will get better. Your family needs you, especially your mom. If you think you hurt her by yelling at her, it's going to hurt her a thousand times more if you harm yourself. So just TRY to think positive. Stay strong. You can do this.

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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
MadPoet Offline
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Re: what have i done?! - May 5th 2010, 05:55 AM

Hey Lea.

Believe it or not, I know exactly how you feel. I know that may seem impossible to believe, but I've been where you are right now more than once. I know what it's like to suddenly not be yourself, to feel so angry for no reason and to take it out on whoever is nearest. You're right; it's unexplainable, and it's so so difficult to deal with the outcome.

I'm not going to try to convince you you're wrong; I bet there are reasons why it would be easier for you to give up. It would definitely be easier to give up then face some of the things that you're struggling with in your life right now, sure. I can't argue with that. I'm not even going to try.

But I can tell you that despite these reasons, even when they seem like the only things that are left, there are far many MORE reasons why you should continue to fight this. You can look at this from one point of view; the point of view where you see only the reasons why suicide would be easiest, why the world would be better off without you. Or you can change your point of view. You can look at life in a better way; the way that tells you that even though things may be easier if you were to give up, there are so many GOOD things in life that you would be leaving behind. Even though you'd give up depression, anger, frustration, and any other problem you can think of, you'd also give up happiness, family, love, satisfaction, music, success, comfort, having fun, all of those moments in your life where you can truly say "I'm happy I'm alive."

Imagine the worst night of your life. Imagine living it, but without the comfort you were able to find once it was over. Imagine not having all of those little things in life that tend to make you feel better after a day in Hell. Imagine this, and you've got a perfectly good view of death. You can't honestly say that that is the kind of reality you want to face every single day.

I'm not sure what your beliefs are, but I'll gladly share mine. Each one of us is here for a reason (yes, that includes you) that we have yet to find. That reasons gets lost sometimes, especially in the moments where we feel the world would be better off without us in it. But still, even through all of this pain, your reason for living is there. You have a purpose, and it's your duty to fulfill it. It's your duty to feel, to feel all that you can, and to learn everything you can from all of those emotions. To live knowing that you're strong, and to die knowing that you've succeeded, and completed that purpose that life has given you to fulfill.

You owe it to yourself to die knowing that your big purpose, that your real reason for being here, has been completed. You need to know your self worth, and the full extent of happiness, before you spend your last day here. You owe much more than depression and anger to yourself, and if you were to take your life tonight, that's all that would be left in your memory.

Live, and make something more of yourself. You have the power to feel and to be more than this. If you kill yourself, you forfeit that power. You lose everything. Not just the bad stuff. You lose everything that keeps you going, too. You lose yourself.

That's not what you deserve. You need to learn to care about yourself, and to care exactly what you put yourself through. You mean something to this world, and the lives of the people around you would be permanently different without you. Without you, they wouldn't become all that they could be. Without you, they wouldn't fulfill that special purpose that's been created just for them.

You play a part in the world, and you matter to more than one person out there. Just take that into consideration. Take all I've said into consideration, before you make your decision. No one can convince you not to kill yourself if that is what you truly want. But keep in mind all that you'd be leaving behind. When you do, is suicide really worth it?

I am always always here if you need to talk. *Hugs and more hugs.*

A lonely soul in a land of broken hearts

  (#5 (permalink)) Old
Jacksonian Offline
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Re: what have i done?! - May 7th 2010, 01:50 AM

If you hurt your mother, go and apologize with a honest heart. Apologize to her and ask for forgiveness.

I came here to help out, so if you wanna talk or just need someone to bounce ideas or issues off of or something else then send me a message and I will reply as soon as I can.
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