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PlayingPretend Offline
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Dreams - May 7th 2010, 01:58 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.


I hate, hate, hate having dreams that involve either my boyfriend or my closest male friend. Since kicking my best guy friend out of my life for the reason he was mentally and emotionally abusive, there's someone else who's waltzed into my life and stolen my heart as far as best friends go. I'm not sure if it's a "rebound"-type situation or not; only time will tell.

However, I had a horrible dream involving him the other night, and now my gut is twisted, my heart is in my throat, and I can't get back to sleep because of the dream I had about him. A little bit of background information is that we're trying to plan a trip, something a) my sister is angry about and b) is a little bit complicated considering it involves an overnight stay. So he called me last night to go over the details with me, but pretty much cut me off at every pause to either act goofy or say something a bit cuddly, and then he'd tell me to "continue" and then I'd either go off on a tangeant or go bezerk/random, as well. So there was the frustration of that because this trip has specifics we neeed to go over and that I've been trying to go over for the past few days.

To expand on issue a), basically, my sister was intended to go, as in, she was my first choice to take on the trip with me, but she turned me down even though I triplechecked with her because my event is from Thurs. to Fri. and she has an all-day event Saturday that she has to prepare for. I even whinged to her about it, and she continued to tell me she was sorry but couldn't go. It wasn't until after I invited my guyfriend that she went off on a tangeant about how she wanted to go, how she had planned all along on rearranging her plans, and so on and so forth. So there's the conflict there. There are four reasons I don't want her to go:

1. I'll admit it. Jealousy. I'm an attention whore when it comes to my male friends.
2. My sister has an "I hate men" attitude that's very easily triggered. My boyfriend made a sarcastic joke and she decided she didn't like him/disrespected him, an attitude that lasted the entire rest of the week he was here and for four months after. This male friend of mine is extremely sarcastic, including poking fun using names, which I am aware will trigger her issues (she and I have both dealt with an abusive father and grandfather, so suffer issues from that, but we each have our own issues in regard to different aspects of those relationships).
3. I don't want her feeling like the third wheel.
4. I don't want her tattling to my mother, and then being interrogated about it. For example, I was told saying "I love you" back is the equivalent of flirting, my mother was told that 30 seconds of hand gripping/grabbing was "holding hands" (my sister left out the length of time) and apparently giving hugs to male friends is pushing my boundaries with my boyfriend (but hugging male friends is perfectly acceptable when it comes to other women?), even though he's okay with it all.

That being said, this male friend of mine said, after dropping me off the last time we hung out and after meeting my sister for the first time, "your sister is way cute" until I gently pointed out she was 16 in which case he was either disappointed or mockingly so, but to this day, I'm not sure if it was a serious meaningful comment (this would cause issues mainly because I'm both possessive over him and, obviously, my sister ) or if it was a run-of-the-mill comment I hear from a lot of guys in regards to attractive women, and my sister is attractive. But earlier in the week, I vented to him about this situation with my sister, and he told me that if she wanted to come along to supervise, that was fine.

Last night, however, he asked me if she was going to go, kept asking me if I didn't want her to go, played off my feelings of jealousy by questioning/mocking me about it, and I am used to that from my male friends, but I expect a little respect from my best male friend. But every time I tried telling him my feelings were hurt, he'd realise he crossed a line and then change the subject. By that time, I was already moody and hurt, so he asked me if I was okay and then proceeded to tell me he wished I was there to give him a cuddle before bed and that he wanted to fall asleep with me on the phone. I get that he was tired, but when he stopped saying anymore than "mhm," I got pissed off and hung up without warning.

I proceeded to send a harsh text message, then a text message that said I was hurt and angry so didn't want to talk on the phone about it any longer and texted him the rest of the details, telling him to let me know in whichever way he wanted if he still wanted to go. A couple hours later, my mood completely switched from angry and hurt to being fearful and desperate because I was convinced he would leave me for it (this is where my daddy issues come into play), so I sent another text. Then I wanted a cuddle - another text. And then I had a nightmare about him, which would involve yet another text. Sending all these text messages, especially all documenting my mood swings, only makes me feel like he'll realise even more what a fuck-up I am and leave, even though he knows I'm moody but loves me anyway and even though he claims not to mind the texts I send.

The nightmare itself involved him falling in love with a girl and involving me way more than I needed to be involved. It involved his best girl friend (one thing that's hard for me to deal with is having a best friend whose best friend is someone else) and how he admitted to loving her over text, and then when I talked to her about it (I don't even know her over more than FB, haha), I asked if they were "a thing," and she defensively snapped "yes." Throughout the course of the dream it alternated between being her, being my sister and being some random girl, all of which stabbed my heart an equal amount. Basically, in the dream, he began asking me what to do for dates, flaunting them to me as well as any sexual encounters he'd had, shoving it in my face that he'd gone out with someone else, telling me if I didn't have a boyfriend, he'd want me as opposed to them (he has admitted to liking me and that he'd go for it if I didn't have a boyfriend, but respects our relationship and does not want to impose on my happiness), etc. It ended with him telling me his girlfriend told him she didn't want him to have anything to do with me and resulted in him screaming at me and telling him to get the fuck out of my life before he lifted his shirt sleeve and showed me terrible cuts up his arm, saying "look what you made me do, just like you've done to me" and that's where I woke up.

My stomach is killing me. I feel completely gutted, and all I'm experiencing are feelings of abandonment, betrayal, etc. I want to cry, I want to break down crying, but I can't do anything more than sit here shaking and wishing to hell none of that happens. I am possessive and I am jealous, and though I am always there to give advice, I hate doing it, and I have to set boundaries on how much advice, and what kind, I will actually give, if even I have no intent to get with the person and am 100% happy with my boyfriend. My head hurts and my eyes are bloodshot, and I want to sleep but whilst my body is tired and my mind is tired, I hurt so much my chest is aching, and the feelings of hurt and sick are overwhelming me to the point I can't.

I had dreams like this with my other friend, but I had always figured that it was triggered by the fact he did flaunt his girlfriends and sexual encounters, all the while telling me the feelings he had for me, all the while telling me he wished it was me, etc. I was basically the, albeit online, "other woman" for a long time, so I had guessed my dreams were based on that. I don't have those issues with this current guy friend - in fact, he respects me once I've asserted a boundary - so why am I having these dreams about him at all?

And then there's the fact I'm constantly flip-flopping when it comes to dreams with my boyfriend. Sometimes, they're amazing. They're filled with the feelings I experienced when I met him for the first time (we were an online couple for several months before he came in February) and for the entire time he was here. They're filled with the exhileration of being in love with him, and our honeymoon period that seems to constantly renew itself. etc. Essentially, they reflect our relationship as it is today and has been for a year. But sometimes they're filled with the pain and heartache and feelings/sensations of abandonment caused by one of us and our decision to cheat, which neither one of us have any intention of doing and neither one of us would. We'd rather be painfully and brutally honest to one another (though we have both agreed if we split up, we should do so on amicable terms) than cheat, and I suppose that that's a good thing.

That being said, all these dreams do is either wake me up crying or leave me with the sickest feeling in the pit of my stomach and the physical symptoms that always follow my feelings of abandonment, and then I feel stupid because I feel like I have no right to feel this way (after all, it was a dream! Albeit tapping into a severe insecurity that I am paranoid will happen in my waking life) and that I shouldn't be having these dreams at all, if even I can't control the subconscious mind that is already out of my control. And I feel even more pathetic letting them affect me to the point of feeling self-destructive and even suicidal. I see my therapist soon, and plan on bringing this up with her, but... Guh. Sometimes talking to her about it is the only way to deal with it, as I associate therapy with the only positive and safe place to express those feelings, but I only see her once a week.

So does anyone have any ideas how to, put simply, get over the feelings these dreams leave me with, at least for 24 hours, but often lasting for days after I've even had the dream?

Last edited by PlayingPretend; May 7th 2010 at 02:05 PM.
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Re: Dreams - May 7th 2010, 09:23 PM

I think he should cut out some of his clowning... if you can't finish a sentence without him cracking a joke, I find it extra-irritating when someone does it to me. Jokes are funny up to a point. You should tell him that... not harshly though. Also tell him the way you started feeling that evening. Everyone gets that sometimes, he should understand it. He sounds like a decent guy from what you say overall.

As for your dreams... you need to stop thinking about all of it. Watch some calm TV show or movie or listen to some chilling music before you go to sleep. I like to leave my window open if it's not too cold. I find it stupidly hard to fall asleep when everything's dead silent. One floorboard cracking will open my eyelids. U just need something to take your mind off it. Also I wouldn't tell him about your dreams... he might be a nice person, but Im not sure he'd know what to think or how to handle it.

Your sister needs to organise herself better... lol. She sounds like a see-saw to me. One time this, another time that + a bit childish (I dont wana insult but that's just what it appears to me)

I got something to say about ur mum interrogating you over your relationship also. You are 18. Its OK for her to know who ur going out with, if she asks. But to interrogate you... what that means to me is asking about all the details... how long you spent where doing what with who exactly. Like I said, ur 18. Its frankly no one's business. Maybe I take that word too literaly though.

"I don't care about politics"
Then politics doesn't care about you either. Truth. You've got to make your voice heard, if you want to be listened to. But that's too logical for some people, so let me go a step further. Not making your voice heard, leaves other people free to hijack it by speaking on your behalf, even if they don't actually give a shit about you. That's politics. So, make your voice heard. That's not a quote from anywhere. That's just me.

Last edited by BDF; May 7th 2010 at 09:35 PM.
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PlayingPretend Offline
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Re: Dreams - May 7th 2010, 10:07 PM

Thank you for your reply. I've been meaning to update this thread but haven't had the chance until now. Basically, he called me this morning because of the text messages I'd sent and also because of the fact I'd hung up on him, so he listened pretty intently/actively as I explained my feelings, and he explained his, and then we both apologised and all was well. So I'm not sure if last night, it was tiredness kicking in or what, but this morning, it was nice having him listen like that.

I don't give details when it comes to my dreams, and if I'm asked what they were about, I generally give a vague idea about what happened. In this case, it would be, "you met a girl and left me for her," simply because those were the core reasons that left me feeling the way I did. With boyfriend I tend to go into a little more detail, but that is because my boyfriend is open to hearing it, is able to handle/understand it, etc. I'm not quite sure I know this guy well enough to be able to determine how he'd handle my dreams, as I dream some pretty fucked up things sometimes, but we're still learning each other so I suppose it's trial and error.

She's 16, so some of this is understandable, and throughout our teenage years, during which my mother was depressed, drinking to the point of getting flat-out shitfaced 5-6 days out of the week, etc. and during which time my father's abuse got even worse, we were all each other had. But things have been getting over the past year, and I'd dare to say even the past couple years. She has her friends in high school, and I have mine in university, and I feel she was insulted, taking it personally that I'd "replaced her," when it was merely that I didn't want to go alone and thought if I couldn't bring her, I'd bring a good friend with me. I get her behaviour, and many of the reasons behind it. I guess it upset me because I felt like she wasn't, and still isn't, looking at it rationally. I feel if she expects me to own up to my issues (about the jealousy), then she should own up to her issues, such as when it comes to her negativity.

And I'm not sure why my mother interrogates me, to be honest. I agree that I'm 18, but at the same time, I'm living at home. No, she doesn't have the right to say I can or can't do this, but at the same time, I can see where she's coming from. She wants to protect me, but I also feel she needs to trust me. If I had two daughters and one daughter came to tell me everything my sister had supposedly done (one thing that really pissed me off was that my sister asked me if I felt this guy was physically attractive. I said I wasn't quite sure if I found him so or not but that he did have a nice body. She then used this piece of information against me when she talked to my mother about it all, which was definitely wrong of her, in my opinion, to do), then I'd probably question my other daughter too. At the same time, I wish my mother had talked to me first before jumping to conclusions and treating me with suspicion and mistrust. I still feel as though my family should at least trust me and have the same amount of faith in me as my boyfriend, if not more. It doesn't settle well with me that I have my boyfriend's trust, faith and support throughout this situation, but have none of that from my family. I expressed this to my mother, who did see my point of view, but at this point, it's still impossible to reach my sister.
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