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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Silverseven Offline
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Im stuck in this darkness... - May 11th 2010, 11:29 PM

So basically... all i want is to be happy. Im sure anyone could relate. But my love life is non-existent (despite how "handsome" i supposedly am and no matter how much I put myself out there due to how "creepy and strange" I am), i've had aspergers my whole life and have recently been diagnosed as schizophrenic ( even though i'm medicated and have a therapist ), i've tried killing myself and others before (others, not so much myself due to the schizophrenia probably..) , my family is on the finaicial elevator to hell despite the tons of money we once had. My friends are distancing themselves from me as i can't hide the fact that im going insane. My drug problem with vyvanse and marijuana is my only way to cope sadly and my grades are barely passing and my career as a musician is an utter failure... i feel alone.... so angry at everyone and empty and out of patience. But hey if i was gone, thats one less crazy person worry about right? I just dont know what to do.... =/
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Silverseven Offline
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Re: Im stuck in this darkness... - May 21st 2010, 02:03 AM

does no one really care? i can't blame you guys... well i guess i'll have to find another outlet for pain
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Im stuck in this darkness... - May 21st 2010, 04:33 AM

Originally Posted by Silverseven View Post
So basically... all i want is to be happy. Im sure anyone could relate. But my love life is non-existent (despite how "handsome" i supposedly am and no matter how much I put myself out there due to how "creepy and strange" I am), i've had aspergers my whole life
As to the part I have quoted, I can really relate. I have Asperger's as well, and I used to always be lonely all the time and very sad that nobody was ever there for me. After years of misery though, I eventually found someone I could relate to. Even though all the odds may seem against you, things will eventually work out for the better, despite how much you feel they would not. They did for me, so I'm sure they would for you also.

I think it would help if you were to find a support group for people experiencing your types of conditions, there you could get help with getting through your troubles, and also find new friends, and maybe with luck, someone who could be more than a friend. Your therapist should be able to help you with that or you could research something like that in your free time.

Even though it doesn't seem like it right now, your life is still worth living, and despite the difficulties you are facing, there are still many things in the world that you would enjoy that will make you happy. Maybe not right away, but in time, things should start improving.

Best wishes to you.
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Re: Im stuck in this darkness... - May 21st 2010, 06:24 AM

Dude i honestly cant relate your condition, but what i can relate to is being lonely lost and finding whatever you can to cope (even if it is not the best for you) This world is mostly unforgiving. But there are good people out there. 2 years ago i dont think i would believe that there are good people. But then i found someone to relate to and my view of this world was not so grim. Dont give up, Never give up.

Pm me anytime if you need a friend. Im always willing to help.

Things do get better in time.
I used to believe that things would never get better.
But after many long years things are looking up!
So don't ever give up!
Stay strong and move on!
Things WILL get better!

Make my day let me help you. PM me anytime

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Silverseven Offline
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Re: Im stuck in this darkness... - May 25th 2010, 02:30 AM

I appreciate your guys kind words. I really do... but its just not enough for me. And im sick of waiting ... its been 6 years already... I think thats more than anyone should suffer
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Re: Im stuck in this darkness... - May 25th 2010, 10:53 AM

Hi Silverseven...
Even I do faced the same problem 5 years before..
We have been washed out of money and we lost every thing what we had,
but we din loose our hope.. gradually we got back our life.
So I do strongly suggest you to stop taking those drugs and have hope that you too will get back to your normal position.
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Im stuck in this darkness... - May 25th 2010, 04:58 PM

i never been in this situation before so...forgive me if im in the wrong topic.
BUT yeah,i know what youre talking about.you seem nice too.

some say that you should pray to God and he will make things better.
some say that you shouldnt lose hope and to be happy etc.

i BELIEVE...its not easy.
and know it or not,all u need is support and love,nothing else.
friends,family,someone who totally understands what your going through.
please,dont ever commit suicide.YOU WILL hurt not just yourself,but even the ones that trully care for you.thats like losing atleast 2 lives at once.i know there is someone that loves you.
if u do that,theres no future,no chance of fighting for your life.
people that fight,they will win a happy life they deserve.
be brave,fight! have hope in life.start searching for true happiness.
when you do have this...depression or agression attack,then make it go away.dont pay attention to sad and worthless things that make you life go horrible as u descrive.
when u let go things of what u love,they will dissappear.if u take care of them,the things will remain there to stay.
you did mention the music hobbie.u 'lost it' but u can get on your feet if u want to.music does help with bad feelings,makes u relaxed.try that and let go of ur thoughts,or do any hobbie. try talking to your therapist about that.
about happiness.i think the formula is:
I TRULLY hope you get better.if u need an ear,ill do my best to be so...message me if youre in need.

I moved back while
my head was turned.

Upside down
closer to the end.

Afraid of the dark
within future times.

I'm drowning there,
my final chase.
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Silverseven Offline
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Re: Im stuck in this darkness... - May 26th 2010, 12:22 AM

I know how to be "happy"... but i just can't get there... and i know once ... if...i get there it won't be enough... i'm just never satisfied. It's just not enough for me... and i can't quit the drugs... once i do... that'll probably tip the boat for me
  (#9 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Im stuck in this darkness... - June 1st 2010, 08:00 PM

Have to hang in there dude. You can make it. You're a musician? Try channelling all the shit you deal with into your songs. I'm a Hollywood guy, I've always done that and it's always helped me both better my work and try to fix things in myself. Sadly, don't think I'll ever do enough to completely cure myself -- as also said by film God Steven Spielberg.

Part of being or gravitating to the arts comes from basically having a hole. From sinking in the black and trying in vain to find a light. Yeah, that's dark - but it's called (even within) the land of the broken for a reason. The only place I ever felt home was California, basically - probably because it's the boulevard of broken dreams and due to that there's more acceptance... and not meaning those that make it - bands, actors, writers, directors, etc. all say a part of them is still wounded and broken.

Love-life still non-existent, BUT I do have girls as friends now and possibly a girlfriend by year's end or sooner because of the progress. It did take me time though and it is possible. If I was to go back and tell myself that years ago - I wouldn't have believed it. But, now I can. Basically, you'll find a girl you can relate to or she'll find you and it'll help.

We're all a little mental. I have social anxiety disorder that basically scarred me for life and only at 21 started to get somewhat of a handle on. And all the years before that I hardly had any friends and the friends I did have somewhat distanced themselves because I seemed "out of it" due to the disorder. That only changed last summer in LA, but the fact is - it won't always be like that. Billie Joe Armstrong has Depersonalization Anxiety Disorder - look at where he is today...

Right now I'm an intern at Warner Brothers. The execs have my backs so much that they kind of seem like second-father figures to me. And this coming from someone who has an anxiety disorder that damaged my earlier life, still haven't got a girlfriend, and had few friends and never thought a day would come where I could remotely feel happy - hell, feel like I have a life instead of all this bull shit from the past 22 years.

Basically what I'm saying is - don't give up. I've been there. I never thought anything would happen. I even had clear plans of how and when I was going to kill myself along with the suicide note. But, if I gave up - I wouldn't be where I am now. It took 22 years of hell, but for the first time it feels like I can finally say I have a life instead of questioning why I'm even alive. And you can get there too. It fucking sucks, but channel it - that's why being on the creative side is a gift and a curse. Gift in that we have a voice that can reach people, curse in that it also comes with us having to suffer at times. But, it'll work itself out. Just have to stay strong.

"Maybe I just like people. Maybe sexuality isn't one thing or the other. Maybe it's just something that's shifting and moving. I just know I'm not thinking man or woman."

Last edited by ThePunkAlien; June 1st 2010 at 08:13 PM.
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