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andydichen Offline
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I don't even know. - May 12th 2010, 03:53 PM

Yo, my name is Andy and I suffer from depression, not going to deny it. To be frank, I see myself as an utter failure, although one may argue that everyone sees themselves in a critical way to some degree. I've grown up in a family which I cannot describe, maybe because I'm so disconnected to it.My old sister and I were the only ones who could speak english, and having a chinese family in Australia is quite stressful. My sister has moved out leaving me living with my parents who don't speak english. They're two hard working people, and perfectly fine human beings, but coming from a massively different background ( china to aus ) has seemed to have a great effect on the family as a whole. I was born here and grew up here, so my views and behaviour is somewhat alien to them. In short, they don't understand me, nor are they capable of understanding me because even I don't understand myself. It hurts haha. I've spent the recent years, where the only communication between my parents and I was either fighting, verbal abuse or polite conversation. It sometimes feels like they're not my family at all. I don't blame anyone though, its just the way things are, and both them and I have tried and failed to come to a solution. Its not going to change. My father works all day to raise the family, so he would come home at 11 at night. As a kid this would sadden me, but nowadays I'm just glad I don't have to see him for the day.
Last year, after a nasty breakup with a girl which I trusted with my everything, my depression hit me hardest. Complete social withdrawal, suicide attempts, the lot. I failed yr 11 from sub 50% attendance. People would laugh at me, saying how hard can it be to just attend school. I couldn't bring myself to attend classes because they overwhelmed me so much, but at the same time i felt so pathetic and useless. I moved schools from my cities most academic school to a more artbased one and decided to give it another shot in an environment which suited me much more. After a week of attending I knew it wasn't going to work. I didn't fit in at all and there was even less support for me than my old school. I secretly stopped attending a month or two into the year, and spent the time staring out windows on trains, or staring at the clouds in parks. The school contacted my parents after a while and now im expelled again. Its somewhat relieving but also disappointing at the same time. I never thought myself to be so fucking pathetic. My rents use to say they support me no matter what, but looking at them now, the onlly time my mother talks to me is mocking about what a useless person I am, in that jeering face which bullies stare at weaklings.
Despite my depression, I have tried hard to be social, and have maintained a good friend network in the hundreds until recently. A while back I remember myself stating that since my family never felt real to me I'd replace them with friends. Since I've been kicked from my school, I've rarely had the opportunity to see them anymore and also since my friends are all in year 12 no-one has the time nor energy to make an effort either. I spend some of my days without muttering a single word to anyone, and being this quiet frightens me. My friends are still there, but they seem so far away these days.
One of the only current things in my life at the moment is my girlfriend of soon to be 5 months. She is the most amazing person in my life and without her i'd really be hanging my head in some underground basement. But even still, I get so anxious about her because I know that if she leaves too, then I'll doomed for sure. I'm so scared of that day when she will inevitably stop loving me.
I'm sorry about this wall of text rant, but its something which I've been meaning to type for a long time. Long story cut short, I'm depressed, see myself as a failure, have no bright future, and I'm scared that once my girl leaves me, I'll hit rock bottom. Have a good day.
   
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