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ladyninetyfour Offline
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Half Empty - May 18th 2010, 07:45 PM

So I'm better now.
I've gone from wanting to kill myself every minute of every day to thinking about on the rare occasion, when something really bad happens, and deciding it's the stupidest thing to do cuz it wouldn't solve anything.
I've gone from starving myself and throwing up the things I do eat, to eating normally to the point my BMI is 2 over what I want it to be (but still healthy), and skipping meals only when I've freaked out immensely.
I've gone from self-harming several times a week to not once since 03/08/09.
I've gone from getting drunk on the streets, to having a few drinks round my mates while socialising.
I've gone from jumping from boy to boy and not doing anything about the abuse I was recieving, to not dating at all and avoiding getting into any difficult situations with boys.
I've gone from flipping out and acting crazy and violent, to flipping out on the occasion and crying instead.
So I've pretty much removed the symptoms, so I'm better right?
So wrong.
I mean, I'm happier these days. So much happier. I really smile and laugh these days rather than the stupid fake "I'm hiding behind this mask" smiles I used to give. My life has got so much better, no more abuse, no more bullies, I'm not beating myself up so much, I don't feel dirty anymore, I don't hate myself.
But I'm only happy while I'm distracted - while there's no reminder of what I've been through, the past, the things I've done - while there's someone with me to talk to.
When I'm alone not doing anything, everything comes flooding back. I remind myself about how good my life is now, I remind myself of the great future I have and that usually makes it better. I can shrug it off, it's the past.
But now one of my best guy friends hates me because I was a colossal idiot. I made some of the worst mistakes since I was six. I've lost him forever. My best girl friend is on study leave. And I don't see my other best guy friend much. So that makes everything so much more real.
I try not to cry, I try not to talk about those things that hurt me anymore, I try to block it all out and be happy.
But I feel so empty and shit at the moment. I've been feeling the tiniest bit suicidal lately. I've been dismissing those feelings because I know now that suicide won't solve anything. But I still feel the suicidal thoughts. I still feel lonely and empty and awful... I need some sort of help. I don't mean like proffessional help - I have a psychologist. I need some other kind of help. Like some sort of self help / TLC / etc... I don't know... I just want to feel better... I want my friend back, I wish I hadn't been so stupid, I wish he didn't hate me. I want to feel completely me again, I feel half of me which is better than I used to feel, but I want to be completely me... I want to feel better.
Help?
x


Where there's love, there's hope
You cannot destroy me!
xoxox PunkRoxS9 xoxox


Last SH: 03/08/09
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rainbownikki Offline
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Re: Half Empty - May 18th 2010, 09:30 PM

only u can feel the emptyness of your heart,mind and soul. because only you have the power


taste the rainbow, climb the arch, and feel better when you slide down to the pot of gold.
   
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