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IzzyIzzyIzzy Offline
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Posts: 9
Join Date: March 30th 2010

Don't really know whats going on - May 21st 2010, 11:25 PM

Basically, I suffered from depression, or what I was told was depression for about a half a year/a year. Now, I think I have this problem with repressing memories, even when I don't want to. For example, for a while I actually really loved my best friend, I mean REALLY loved. I know there's teenage love but looking back on the things I wrote and said, I really cared. I don't remember how I felt now. In the end I sort of moved on because I loved him enough to be content as being the important best friend, which was a position no one else could fill. Also, I can't remember the depression either. I can't remember any of it. Other fairly disturbing things have happened to me since, ( don't worry its not as bad as you'd probably think from what I've just said ) and i can't recollect any of it. I have trouble remembering anything at all.
But yeah, thats one issue. The other is that I have this compulsion to have suicidal thoughts or wishes. I've been forced to stop self harming as I was threatened with going to a psych ward or being committed or something. I was never put on meds, because my mum didn't want me to have any. But over the slightest thing I just think, 'I could just die'. I look around the room for means of an escape, ways to...act out. Seeing as I haven't been self harming I'm more irritable, more angry. I just realise how easy it would be to kill myself, and that doesn't bother me in the slightest. I'm not depressed anymore, much. The odd hour in the day every now and then but nothing out of the ordinary. At worst its a day or two in a week. Rarely. But still. (Sorry for the length of the post)
I had a problem with thinking my thoughts were lies, paranoid about my own thoughts, paranoid about what people were telling me, and then in denial about that. Just wondering if anyone else felt the same or could help me out with an explanation? <3
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