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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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sadsoul89 Offline
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Unhappy I am Suicidal - May 23rd 2010, 08:18 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I have been feeling suicidal for the last ten years of my life, and I am currently 20. I just had to admit this to someone cos I have never told anyone in my life about these feelings except for my local doctor who has diagnosed me with severe depression. I have not taken anti-depressants ever because I currently have a medical condition. I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case I have the urge to slit my throat in the middle of the night and I have tried to suffocate myself with my pillow many times but I just end up in tears. I am currently studying in college doing a course that I hate but my parents forced me into it. It's very demanding and stressful as I am studying to be a doctor to help otherp eople but cannot even help myself. My last proper relationship was two years ago, ever since i have had two flings which both ended up with me having a broken heart and no one has been interested in me since. I don't have any friends at all because people always talk about me behind my back and I am extremely shy and insecure in myself so I find it hard to make new friends. My family treat me terribly with a lot of emotional abuse whilst they treat myo lder brother like a king and I am constantly crying at least 10 times a day becauseo f all of this. i simply don't know what to do. i am so alone in this world i really just want to sleep and never wake up

Last edited by Whisperer; May 23rd 2010 at 02:40 PM. Reason: Marked as triggering
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Re: I am Suicidal - May 23rd 2010, 02:45 PM

Hey there,
Sorry to hear you are stuggling so much. That's great you have reached out to your local doctor about how you are feeling. It's important to open up to other people as well. Even let your doctor know how serious this is. Because if you can't' take medicine, there are other ways of working to feel better such as DBT. Have you ever thought about seeing a therapist? It's a great way to let out your feelings and get help to feel better. Also, it seems as if you are in danger to yourself by keeping things in your reach to hurt yourself. It might be a good idea to go to your local ER and get evaluated. They can help you pull your life together and get the help you need and on the road to recovery! I know it can be really scary at first but that's okay. Take things one step at a time and just focus on the present moment rather than looking forward or back. Remember, we are all here for you so you aren't alone. I'm always here if you'd like to talk.
Stay strong,

Whatever it is, chances are I've been there.
If I can make it out, you can too.
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Re: I am Suicidal - May 23rd 2010, 09:51 PM

Im really sorry too. I know what thats like, and its kind of that way for me. Instead of committing suicide, though, I think you should talk to a Catholic priest.They are really caring and its against theyre law to tell anyone what you said unless you let him. Dont worry, youll be all right.
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Re: I am Suicidal - May 24th 2010, 12:32 AM

I'm very sorry to hear you're going through all of this. It sounds like alot of your depression and suicidal feelings are provoked further from the emotional abuse of your parents, and to get well your family is not helping you at all. You are old enough to make your own decisions, you could drop out of College for awhile, save up money from a job and move out on your own, or you could find another family member someplace who will take you in for the time being, but you don't have to do anything your family forces you into because you can make those decisions on your own. Stand up for yourself and tell them to butt out of your life, and if they abuse you in any way you can report them to the Police.
Have you ever tried just going to a party or talking to people, just try socializing a bit? Try to put your insecurities aside and keep your head up, try to face your fears, be bold enough to go and talk to people and you'll make a few good friends, people who will understand you who you can talk to when you're feeling down, maybe even a therapist would help?
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Re: I am Suicidal - May 24th 2010, 05:49 AM

First of all I just wanted to say that I think it is a good thing, and a step in the right direction, that you admitted on here that you are suicidal. I think that holding that in and not telling people can prevent you from getting help. I am glad that you have told a local doctor. That was very brave of you to do!
I am sorry that you are unable to take any medication for your depression. But there are other ways to get past how you are feeling now besides taking medication. Seeing a therapist could be very helpful for you. If you are unable to see a therapist because you do not want your parents to know or anything like that, you can look into seeing a counselor at the school you go to. Usually they are free at colleges and universities. So that is something you may want to look into. If your parents would pay for you to see someone then you can even tell your parents that you are stressed out and you want to talk to someone- you do not have to tell them exactly why you want to go.

I understand some of the feelings that you are having. But please please do me a favor- I know that you dont know me but please....please dont sleep with a knife under your pillow. I understand why you do it, but please dont do that anymore. Clearly there is part of you that wants to keep fighting and wants to keep living even though right now it seems almost impossible. That part of you is sometimes silenced by the depression and suicidal thoughts, sometimes you are unable to hear that part of yourself that is telling you to live. Sometimes you have to take a step back and listen carefully before you can hear that part of yourself. So my point is, if you are sleeping with the knife under your pillow, you may end up not giving that part of yourself that wants to live the chance to speak up and be heard before you do something. I know thats what happened with me. I tried to kill myself because I got to the point where I was unable to hear the part of myself that wanted to live. And when I finally tried to kill myself, I did it irrationally, out of the blue basically, so I didnt take that step back to try to listen for that part of myself. I wish now that I had taken that time to listen to myself because there was a part of me that wanted to live. Obviously I got lucky and survived, but I could have died and it would have been because I didnt pause to listen to the part of me that wanted to live. If you have the knife under your pillow you could potentially do the same thing and end up acting before being able to pause and listen. So please, just put the knife away so that you can take that time to let the part of you that wants to live speak.
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