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Raylolo Offline
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Name: Rachael
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Location: New York

Posts: 200
Join Date: January 6th 2009

What should I do? - May 24th 2010, 02:37 PM

I've probably made a post here about how I got seperated from my girlfriend before. However, that is just one of the things making me depressed and suicidal. I haven't seen here since Dec '09 and wasn't suppose to see her at all since 7/20/09. By the time I see her again, we will have been seperated for 498 days. Right now, all we have is contact and I am thankful for that. However, it's not enough for me anymore. I'm constantly getting into fights with my mother about it, because she is the reason I can't see my girlfriend (my girlfriend is 20 and I am 16). Me and my girlfriend have been together for 1 year and 5 months come May 30th and we were only able to physicaly see each other 6 months and 20 days out of that.

So, there is the background on one of the causes making me depressed and suicidal. To add on to that, I have begun to skip school quite a lot claiming to be sick, I have even begun to neglect my homework. I shut myself in my room away from my famkily all the time, because my mother took the love of my life away just because of an age difference, my father is like never home anyway,and my brother absolutely loves to piss me off and call me a dyke. So, I can't see the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with and my family life is a mess (don't get me started about all of the fights that take place in this house...just one example is that I got into a fist fight with my brother a couple of days ago).

I have had almost suicidal attempts in the past. I've had a bottle of asprin and a drink of water right next to me...that was probably a little over a year ago. Just as I was about to my brother came in, so I had to hide it and didn't go through with it. I remember that shortly after, I begun to fight with my mother about letting me have things. I was rummaging through the cabinets in our house looking for anything that could kill me. I remember grabbing white out (it was just a guess that it could kill me...I had no idea though). She was screaming "do I have to hide everything from you?" I have no idea why I didn't go through with it that time, because she never found the white out, so if it could have killed me and I went through with it, it is certain I wouldn't be here today. Other attempts are having my hand on the handle of a moving car to open the door and jump out-that's happened numerous times but I guess I decided it'd be too painful each time. Then there's been a lot of times where I have been walking or riding my bike and a car comes along at which point I think to myself "I should go in front of it and let it hit me." I've never done that simply because I would hate to scar the people who were driving and anyone who witnessed it for life. In fact, just yesterday I was riding my bike and there was a bulldozer on my road, I kind of steered my bike toward it...and I think if it hadn't passed me too quickly I would've driven right in front of it. And both yesterday and saturday I though about seeing if contact solution could kill me or not. Saturday night I was actually cruely having a conversation with my girlfriend getting her to unknowingly tell me if contact solution could kill or not. I was asking her things like "what"s your contact solution? Is it different than mine?" And then I was "oh, I almost drank mine cause it was next to my waterbottle." She goes "put it on the floor." I was like "it can't be that dangerous." After a while, she bit the hook without knowing it and told me her contact solution along with the warning about swallowing it on the back. She doesn't know it, but I now know another way to kill or at least harm myself a lot with that particular brand of contact solution at the least.

Besides almost suicide attempts, I have had very few actual attempts. They were all trying to suffocate and drown myself. I would chicken out. Also, I've heard that your body will not let you drown yourself or suffocate yourself due to natural reflexes or something like that. So, you'd have to like make sure you couldn't move I guess.

Along with that, I have spent a lot of time online looking up ways to commit suicide. What if one day I don't chicken out? Well, then I'll definately be gone. I've found the possibilities to be endless, but I think there's only two things stopping me. 1.I want to see my girlfriend and spend the rest of my life with her. 2.I haven't found a way to commit suicide that I really like...they all seem painful or if you don't suceed then you suffer with side effects....I want something not painful and sure to suceed, but nothing I've found seems to fit the criteria.

My option second to suicide is to get emancipated. I've also done a lot of reading on that as well. Keeping me from that is the fact I don't want to screw up mylife. I still want to finish high school (senior come september of this year) and go to college. I'm worried that if I got emacipated I wouldn't be able to do that. Plus, I currently have no way to support myself. It's like there are two ways out: emancipation or suicide. Unfortunately, suicide is way easier than emacipation.

My title (" what shold I do?") Is exactly what I'm asking now. Do I get emacipated or do I try and get help for my depression suicide even though I'm already in therapy and it's not helping? Point in case is that I'm miserable at home and if I were to be emacipated I can see my girlfriend anytime that I want to. Other option is easier to commit suicide. Personaly, the harder option (emacipation) seems like a good option, but it's a big decision, I don't know where to start, and I don't know if a simple change of living situation would cure my depression and/or suicidal thoughts.

P.S, sorry it was so long!

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