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jizo Offline
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Proving that nothing will work - May 25th 2010, 02:37 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So I've been stuck on this new medication. But the side effects really screw me over and I'm worried that said medication won't work.
I'm just wanting to prove to the world that no therapy will effectively get rid of this depression. And there's no way I'll be able to have a normal life. All I'll be doing is bringing a kid with depression into the world since my boyfriend has a family history of it (but doesn't actually have it). I want something to get rid of it for GOOD.
But since nothing like that'll happen, all I'm doing is proving that nothing's going to work. Then once I know that nothing on this planet will work, at least when I die, the world will know that they did all they could. They won't have to worry about "Oh, but we could've done this, this and this."
I just want to break things. I just want to break windows. I just want to scratch myself, hurt myself. I've been in hospital and just got back out. I can't cope with life anymore. But I can't afford to drop out either because all I'll be is a frickin waste of space. I need to get rid of myself, so that way at least in death, I'll benefit more people than when I lived.
I'm never going to do good in this world. I'm only going to screw things up.

Proof as to why things won't work:

Counselling-after a few sessions, things will seem OK. Defeats the point of going back. And the stuff they give me does not work when I am at work. I'm at uni-maybe I should just drop out.
Medication-what works, only works for about 6 months. Then I go off, then I go on, then I go off, then I go on. And the side effects screw me over so badly. Then there's the increased risk of suicide, my moods around the time of my period going extremely haywire...
Other therapies-they won't do them. Simple as that.
St. Johns Wort/Sam-e: can't take them because I'm on implanon and unless they take the power for me to make decisions out of my hands, I am NOT getting the damn thing removed.

So I guess the only thing to do then is die.
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Re: Proving that nothing will work - May 25th 2010, 05:37 PM

I can relate to what you are going through right now. 4 years I was convinced that nothing in my life could ever get better because nothing had been working to help me. I was depressed and suicidal and it had been 2 years since I starting getting help but nothing was working. However, what changed for me was that about 4 years ago I started wanting the help. What I have found is that unless YOU truly want to get better and to have a better life, no counseling or medication is going to help. YOU have to want to get better. No one can force you to get better. Something inside you basically has to change before your depression can change.
As far as the medication and therapy when you said that they work for a little until you stop, why do you stop when you feel "better"? why do you not continue your medication and therapy even during times that you feel "better"? I know that for me that I have times when things look like they are ok, but I know that if I stopped my medication and therapy that it would all crash down on top of me. Maybe you can continue with therapy and medication even during those times that you feel ok.....with therapy you can just make the time between the appointments longer (like instead of once a week do every other week or every 3 weeks. and then if something comes up between your appointments, you can call to go in sooner.
I am sorry that you are feeling so lost and hopeless right now but please believe me that depression can be helped. yes you will still have a bad day every now and then but so does everyone. right now it does not seem possible that your life can be "normal" but it can be- things do change as long as you want them to.
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Re: Proving that nothing will work - May 25th 2010, 07:42 PM

let me ask u this:
Have you ever tried to make yourself happy?
you do seem like complex miserable.i see that u want to give up your life,but then you dont know what your missing on planet earth.and earth looks like hell to you,probably,but it wont take people who dont want to fight for themselves.all i read is that youre relying on others and medication.

**close your eyes and promise yourself that you need,want to be happy and that youre going to do it.smile then smell the air and feel nature and the people that are happy.
but yeah,youre not.nothing will help you if you cant do it yourself.

im not talking stupid things,im honest. its the truth.
YOU are the answer.
i wish u luck then.

I moved back while
my head was turned.

Upside down
closer to the end.

Afraid of the dark
within future times.

I'm drowning there,
my final chase.
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Maloo Offline
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Re: Proving that nothing will work - May 26th 2010, 02:12 AM

I personally believe that people can't get better until they want to. And it really doesn't look like you want to. So personally, I don't think you're going to get better.

You have to want it.

Trying to prove that nothing's going to work is a really miserable way to live your life, honestly.
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Re: Proving that nothing will work - May 26th 2010, 08:13 AM

Hey there,

I am sorry you are dealing with so much but please know that it can get better. I know how hard it is to go to doctor after doctor or go to hospital after hospital and feel as if things are not working but with time it will get better. Sometimes fighting is going to seem as if it is not worth it but please keep pushing forward because in the end all the good things that life has to offer are worth the fighting and the pain. I know that is hard to see but it is true.

Have you thought of talking to your doctors about the way you are feeling? They might be able to put things into a better/different perspective or at the very least help find a medicine that will work better.

Here is the thing I want to say; the medicine is not going to 'fix' you. Medicine is used to get us into a place where we can see a light at the end of the tunnel. To a place where fighting doesn't seem so stupid. But you still have to be willing to fight and go to therapy and deal with all the things that are causing you to feel the way you are.

I know that right now you might not feel like doing that but don't give up because when you really start talking about and dealing with all the issues behind the depression you will start to feel better.

Lastly, do you have a support network? Family and friends etc? If so do not be afraid to go to them and talk to them when you are struggling. You might feel as if you are burdening them at times but in the end I promise they would much rather you talk to them about all the things you are feeling and dealing with than hurt yourself.

I hope this helped and if you need anything feel free to pm me.


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