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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Having suicidal thoughts again... - May 29th 2010, 02:08 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I've been having suicidal thoughts lately. As I progress through therapy (for my self-harm and depression), I'm reopening a lot of old wounds and am actually feeling the pain that I've kept stuffed down for so long. My anxiety is through the roof. I'm feeling the confusion, the anger, the hurt... everything. It's all there. It's almost as if I'm experiencing the situations all over again. I feel unwanted, worthless, violated, exposed... Nothing I do is right. I just don't know how to deal with all these feelings. It's terrifying.

I can't talk to my therapist about this because then she'll have to notify my parents that I am suicidal. Same goes for my guidance counselor at school. Honestly, I can't deal with that. I just can't. My mom knows about my self-harm, and she's unsupportive as it is. I don't know what she'd do if she knew I wanted to kill myself.

I don't want to die. I just don't know how to live. Today at school, I was angry at myself because I felt like the history paper I passed in was rubbish and was certain my teacher was going to hate me for it... So I went to the bathroom and bashed my arm against the wall and bit myself. I've never self-harmed at school before; I can't accurately describe the rage I was feeling toward myself when I did. I was just out of control. I know I completely overracted. My history paper is probably just fine; it's my view that's distorted. Still, I couldn't shake the feeling, and the relief I felt after I self-harmed was incredible.

All I want is these feelings to stop. I don't want to end my life. I want to live so badly. Please help me. I don't know what to do. I feel like absolutely no one cares about me. I feel like such a loser. I hate everything about me -- my looks, my personality, etc. I want to like myself. I want peace. I thought everything was supposed to get better once you reached out for help, but it's only gotten worse. I feel like death is my only way out of this mess.
   
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Re: Having suicidal thoughts again... - May 29th 2010, 06:52 AM

Sarafina,

First I want you to know that people do CARE about you. It may not seem that way, but know people on this site do and the people in your life do. Your mom is not supportive most likely because she doesn't want to see her child struggle like that. Because you are talking about topics that cause you to feel worse with your therapist and school counselor do you think it is possible to let them know that these topics make you feel uncomfortable and give you more of an urge to self harm? If you let them know that it is actually hurting you rather then helping maybe you can find a new type of therapy. If you don't feel comfortable telling them you're feeling suicidal just try to bring up the fact its causing more self harm. It's really hard to put in effort when you are feeling terrible like this and the fact you hurt yourself at school may suggest things are getting worse. You need to tell someone maybe even tell your therapist you self harmed at school. I know you're worried about what your mom will say, but she'd rather have you here then lose you. You need to remember that and it may seem she is not supportive. If you ever need to talk I'm only a PM away.

Best,
Lexy
   
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Re: Having suicidal thoughts again... - May 29th 2010, 03:26 PM

Lexy, thank you so much. That really meant a lot. Your suggestion about a different kind of therapy is a good one; I will bring that up with my therapist. You're right, what I am currently doing does seem to be hurting more than helping. I feel like I'm at my all-time low right now. The fact that I was feeling bad enough to self-harm at school really frightened and shocked me. I've always been able to at least wait until I get home.

Great advice! Thank you again. I appreciate it.
   
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