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thesungoesdown Offline
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Adolescence out the window. - May 29th 2010, 02:49 PM

For the last few months, I've felt that my life was finally looking upwards, after a nightmarish childhood and adolescence; I was bullied to the extent that I became paranoid. I was paranoid enough to get bullied some more, and to fear being in people's presence in case they rejected me and thought of me anything like the way I thought of myself.

For the last few months, however, I felt that I had done with depression and self-loathing. I was an inward person, and I didn't socialise much, but I felt I was finally reaching a stage where life was not just maneagable, but enjoyable. I had a focus and energy in my work which I'd never had before, and high ambitions for the future.

This changed drastically a couple of days ago. How it changed will sound quite strange, if not downright ridiculous, but if you could bear with me for a bit longer I would be quite grateful.

To cut a long story short, I became like this through listening to Justin Bieber. I was listening to his songs for the first time and suddenly became obsessed with him. At first, I didn't quite know why, but I realised that for some reason it was making me terribly depressed.

I realized eventually that I was incredibly jelous of him. Obviously, everyone wants to be a celebrity, but for me this was something more. I felt jelous of the world he was describing in his songs. I've always been someone who listens to the lyrics of music, and his songs about teenage romance and unrequitted love affected me deeply.

I guess they affected me more because this was a world totally alien to me. I am 16 (almost a year older than him) and have never had a girl-friend. It upset me so much to hear his unbroken voice describe his 'first dance' (quite obviously a metaphor for something else) and his unending romance.

It seemed (and seems) irrelevant to me that his music describes heartbreak and unrequitted love. I didn't feel anything he felt when I was his age and it hurts me. I struggled through my adolescence as if it was a mountain to climb, which, once I'd reached the top, would reward me with an adulthood of happiness.

Now, that reward seems quite remote. I never felt anything like what other people felt when they were young and I will never be able to get over that. I've lost the most magical years of my life to misery and despair.
   
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Re: Adolescence out the window. - May 29th 2010, 10:49 PM

What you described is nearly exactly how I have felt for so long. But now things have started getting better for me. I know for a fact that overcoming these social difficulties can be quite a challenge.

Let me tell you what I did. First I got out of the situation that was dragging me down, like you I had a major problem with bullying. So I decided to leave the public school system and switched to doing online schooling at home. Then eventually after a while I decided to start trying to meet people my own age, I was quite nervous and chickened out quite a few times but eventually over a period of months I was able to progress to a point where I was open to meeting people with less of these fears. It took a lot of time to get over these feelings but eventually I did mostly. I too feel like I lost a big part of my life, but now I can only look forward, not backward. Just recently, through this forum in fact, I met the wonderful person who is now my girlfriend, after never having anyone before. So things will get better, in time. It will be an effort to fight these feelings, but it would be worth it in the end.
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