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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Anxiety Attack, Then Crashed... - June 4th 2010, 09:09 AM

I need to vent, and I've nowhere but here to do it, so I apologise in advance for my whining, especially since it begins with something so stupid.

Essentially, earlier tonight, I was fine. Sure, I suffered disappointment when my best friend fell asleep on me in the middle of our conversation, and sure, I was upset when my boyfriend could only stay to chat for five or ten minutes (he was dozing off himself, haha) and I'll admit it, I was also a bit agitated because I'd been counting on either or both of them to turn my day round, especially after I'd sent a complimenting message to someone in a uni course that ended today (I have no feelings towards this person whatsoever, neither do I have any real desire for a platonic relationship, but he gave an excellent presentation with material I thoroughly enjoyed/agreed with and I didn't get a chance to appreciate it in person, so I sent a message via FB; despite my feelings, or lack thereof, it still took courage considering my social anxiety is terrified I made myself out to be a fool).

But I was able to move past that. I have a new rat who I'm already in love with, and I spent some time with my rats of [almost] six months so as not to leave them feeling left-out and they always manage to put me in a better mood - plus my cat wouldn't leave me alone, granted that he rarely ever does and is almost always purring in my lap; I form incredibly strong bonds and close connections with my animals, moreso than with the people in my life. But then when I was winding down, possibly considering going to sleep, a spider crawled under my door. It's unlikely many of you read my post on the mental health/anxiety forum about my arachnophobia. It's gotten better to the point I'm less likely to be sent into hysterics with anything smaller than a dime, and though I still get chills/goosebumps on seeing a picture of a spider, I no longer panic. But the spider that crawled under my door was "massive," in the sense he was the size of a dime or bigger, and I freaked.

I literally spent 16 min attempting to kill it. Most of that time was spent having a panic attack. When my best friend came back online, I told him about having a massive panic attack over this spider, attempting to make a joke out of it, yet was stupidly stung when he said "oh, I was about to be worried. It was just a spider. " because to me, it's not just a spider, so I told him this and then said, seriously, how I hoped I was never put in a situation where he'd have to see the way I react to them because it's embarrassing but if we ever were in that situation, I wanted him to promise not to play the games a lot of guys tend to do. He wouldn't promise/take it seriously (although he later claimed, on the phone, that he had promised, but FB chat must not have sent it through - which is likely considering FB chat is a screw-up of an IM system ) and that irrationally pissed me off, which I realised was a result of the anxiety.

Then he rang me to speak with me and attempt to calm me down, and I practically growled out that he hadn't promised, which is when he said he had, and he attempted to make me laugh/said some incredibly sweet things, but my mood was so dismal by that point that cheering me was hopeless. He was telling me how hot it was over there, and I said it'd been hot over here too, although at that point I was freezing so bad I was shivering, which I imagine was due to having gone from hot flashes to a cold sweat when dealing with the spider. So nearing the end of the phone call, he said I should go to bed (he'd been questioning me about why I was up so late), and I was pretty much like "why? I'm not tired" and when he told me because he wanted to go to bed/fall asleep with me, my reaction was one of agitation. I reiterated that I wasn't tired and I wasn't going to bed, and he said he was tired and he was going to bed so he'd talk to me in the morning. He said I love you and then goodnight, and I said my goodbyes (I never say I love you out loud ), hung up the phone...

Then I experienced jealousy when I read a FB update saying "goodnight with -namehere- and -some other things I felt were directed towards me here- " that he'd posted fifteen minutes before the phone call had ended. Not that I expected I'm the only one he says or can say goodnight to before bed, but I was bothered because I felt like an afterthought? I'm not sure I should feel complimented that I was the last person he called/that he wanted to fall asleep on the phone with me or if it was a matter of she fell asleep first, so he called me. And then there's the part of me that wonders why I should even care or be experiencing jealousy in the first place. I realise I form insane attachments to my best friends, but sometimes I can be flat-out ridiculous and all that does is make me feel... I'm not sure what the word to describe it actually is, but it is one of my more shittier feelings. I tried confiding in a friend but she responded by flip-flopping between reminding me I have a boyfriend and telling me it must mean I have feelings for this fella when that's not the case at all.

I assure you, I see him as nothing more than a very close friend of mine. I treasure him dearly and love him to bits, but it's nothing compared to what I feel for my boyfriend and it's nowhere near any romantic feeling whatsoever; it annoyed me that she didn't believe my protests/considered it to be "denial" when I feel I should know better than anyone what my true feelings are. I guess it's because I simply have a jealousy problem just in general, especially when it comes to my male friends. I'm very possessive, and I'm competitive for male attention. It's something I never received from my father, who not only abandoned me regularly throughout the fourteen years I lived with and the sixteen years I was in contact with him, but who abused me sexually, emotionally and physically throughout those sixteen years. I tend to soak up as much positive male attention as I can get, and I like to feel important, worth something and/or as though I have some purpose in the hearts and minds of the men in my life. It's so much more complicated than that, but that's the easiest and simplest way too explain it (too tired to get into much detail).

I won't bring it up with him, simply because it's not necessary. It's irrational of me to be feeling this way, and I'll most likely feel better in the morning anyway and be able to shrug it off.

But what's making me feel worst of all, I think, is that this depression, and these severe emotional reactions, were all set off by a fucking anxiety attack caused by a fucking spider. How stupid can I be? I'm going to be seeing a thetahealer to help me work on overcoming this phobia, along with other issues, but the visits to her are almost few and far between because I need to grant myself the time to heal between sessions; she deals with the spiritual/deeper rooted emotional part of me, and my therapist (who I do see weekly) helps me deal with the logic side of things. This depression might also be because I was unable to see my therapist last week, due to Memorial Day weekend, or the Friday before due to the fact I was out of town, so I'm hoping tomorrow's session will help me get at least some of this off of my chest. I might also be hanging with my best friend tomorrow, so it might be nice to actually get out and do something and have some fun with someone whose company I enjoy.

In the meantime, I guess you could say I simply needed to vent.

EDIT: And now I'm proper concerned. I've apparently quarantined my new rat improperly and the potential damage is irrepairable/"already done." It wasn't pointed out on my thread (though now I'm terrified it will be... I can no longer modify my post to edit out the informational "betrayal"), but it was on another thread and the OP was blatantly attacked for it. I suppose somewhere along the line, I was idiotic enough to either misread/misunderstand the quarantine information or I chose a bad/ill-informed source, because I learnt rats are supposed to have entirely separate airspace. That's impossible with my current situation, but if that were the case, then maybe I should have avoided adopting a new rat to begin with.

It's worse because he has a bit of a sneeze - no other side effects, but a sneeze all the same. I'm keeping an eye on it, hoping it's due to stress or residual from something in his foster home, as his eyes are still bright, his nose is clear, he's showing no signs of lethargy, etc. but ugh. If there's something wrong with him, like a respiratory infection, it's quite possible my girls are already carrying the virus but simply haven't started showing signs. This might be treatable with antibiotics, but it's 50$ per rat per check-up plus whatever the cost of antibiotics are, and though I do have the money, I don't currently have it in my bank account as I had to loan it out to my mother in April to help her cover taxes so she wasn't penalised.

Not only am I worried about being attacked on the site, which will absolutely kill the excitement of sharing Leo with them, but I'm now even more concerned and practically panicking that my girls will catch something, even though I'm fairly certain Leo is quite healthy! Mrg. My pets are like my babies. I've already been chastised for taking my rats everywhere with me (I refuse not to, quite frankly. I'd rather they live a quality life than sit in a cage all day with free range time in my bathroom, and they haven't suffered any health effects yet), and I'm not sure I can handle being called a bad rattie mommy again!

Despite what people say, my rats say otherwise. They are constantly chittering, bruxxing and boggling which, for those of you who don't know, are their happy noises, postures/gestures and their "happy eyes." They give me plenty of rattie kisses and are always snuggling in my lap, into my neck or into the palms of my hands or romping around on my lap and using me as a giant jungle gym. But even then, I let people get me down simply because I hate having a negative public image. It's the internet... one more thing I shouldn't care about (how people on the internet view me), but I do, and again, all I can do is sit here feeling stupid and then beat myself up for feeling like a sorry fuck.

I definitely need to find a way out of this mood...

Last edited by PlayingPretend; June 4th 2010 at 09:34 AM.
   
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Re: Anxiety Attack, Then Crashed... - June 4th 2010, 09:33 AM

Don't worry, I don't think you are stupid at all! I too suffer from a phobia, except mine is of cockroaches, which is even more ridiculous because they don't bite. I remember once I was coming home from school and I saw a cockroach on the door, near the doorhandle- and I sat on the steps for 2 hours waiting for my mum to come home so she could open the door and let me in!! Even worse, I can't kill them because I hate the noise they make when they die.

As for your friend, well, you're going through a lot right now and it's normal to feel a little jealous when one of your best friends seems closer to somebody else. I know that feeling too! It changes, in the end though. So basically I can't give you any advice except to say, me too, that was a sucky day for you, and I hope you feel better tomorrow
   
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Re: Anxiety Attack, Then Crashed... - June 4th 2010, 09:36 AM

I appreciate the advice, and I also appreciate the fact you're able to relate in both ways to what I'm feeling. It helps me knowing I'm not alone, because it makes me feel as though my emotions have some sense of validation to them, even though the first thing I'd tell someone is that you feel what you feel, and all emotions are valid - not always justified, but valid and worthy of being heard out and attended to. It's really hard to apply that same advice in the case of yourself, however, and I guess that's what I'm having difficulty doing tonight, probably because I'm in such a shit mood and therefore feeling so pessimistically about things. So I appreciate your response, thank you.
   
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Re: Anxiety Attack, Then Crashed... - June 4th 2010, 09:46 AM

Aww, sounds like you've been having a pretty rough time, really sorry to hear it.

First of all, don't feel silly about arachnophobia. My ex used to have it and she would be absolutely petrified of even the smallest spiders. Usually I'd just pick them up, take them outside and give her a good hug. I think your bf could have been a little more understanding, things that may seem small to one person, but can mean a lot to another. In any case arachnophobia is perfectly normal and a lot of people have it, don't feel embarrassed or silly for it.

I can understand how friends who don't understand where you're coming from can be frustrating too. =/ You confide in them and they try to convince you that it's something you definitely know it isn't. Not much you can do about that except try and find a friend who knows what you mean. Having strong feelings for a friend without any romantic interest is perfectly normal too, so I wouldn't worry about it.

Sorry things are being so tough anyway, really hope you feel better soon
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Re: Anxiety Attack, Then Crashed... - June 4th 2010, 09:56 AM

You sound like my boyfriend. Even though it's long-distance (he's in England, haha), he's incredibly understanding of it. When he was here, he took care of things and was always sure to give me a good hug, and when there have been incidents I've run into spiders with him on the phone, he's always been there to reassure me, calm me down and make me laugh. I guess I expected the same level of understanding from my friend, but then again, I can't say he knows me as well as my boyfriend knows me (boyfriend and I have been together a year, and this friend and I have only been friends for a few months, despite the fact we've bonded insanely quickly) and he also tends to be one of those people who's really... "chill"? I guess you could say. He's someone who tends to constantly tell me to relax and though he's right in that my anxiety problem is completely under my control (as in I can work to change it), he's wrong in the fact it can be cured overnight (it's something I'm currently working on in therapy and am making progress, albeit slow progress), and sometimes it doesn't help that he's dismissive about it. He can be really supportive when I'm open and honest and assertive about something really, really bothering me, however, but tonight... Egh, easily irritated I guess.

Quote:
Having strong feelings for a friend without any romantic interest is perfectly normal too, so I wouldn't worry about it.
You have absolutely no idea how much that meant to hear. I mean, I really don't think you do or ever could. It's especially helpful because my boyfriend (though it might have to do with the fact my best friend is a guy ) is constantly telling me that I shouldn't be experiencing jealousy, that I shouldn't be attached so strongly, etc. and though my boyfriend and I have worked through a lot of those issues and have talked at length and in depth about my issues and the way I personally interact with people and my friends, to which he seemed understanding, I still feel as though he doesn't understand it entirely. This makes me feel even worse because I don't want him feeling insecure or inadequate but I honestly can't help the way I am with my friends.

Ever since I was a child, I've formed a strong bond with one friend, sometimes (but rarely) two, and that friend becomes the target of my platonic devotion. My mother can testify to that, but even she doesn't always get that it's nothing more than a strong, platonic relationship. I'm very one person, and I don't feel there's anything wrong with it. Some people are social beasts, like my boyfriend which might lead to our lack of understanding each other's lifestyles sometimes , but other people prefer to have one or two close friends they go out with. I'm one of those people that needs plenty of alone time but still needs that one friend to help her escape every now and again. So it meant a lot that you, even without all the details, understood what I meant and that you referred to it as being normal.

Thank you.
   
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Re: Anxiety Attack, Then Crashed... - June 4th 2010, 10:12 AM

Really glad it helped ^^ and it definitely is perfectly normal.

I know my ex used to have a lot of friends who were guys and worried how I'd react but honestly I always encouraged it. After all having really close friends that you can talk to is really nice and I was happy for her and trusted her. Even if your bf might not understand entirely I'm pretty sure he feels the same way.
Having a close friendship does not automatically mean you're romantically involved, I'm surprised some people have a hard time understanding that. I personally don't see the point of having friends and keeping them all at arms length just because you have a partner. Value your friends and be happy you have them, there's nothing wrong with it at all.
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Re: Anxiety Attack, Then Crashed... - June 4th 2010, 10:26 AM

I completely agree.

I think my boyfriend's main problem with it, initially, was that I did share some level of intimacy with my friends and that I also tend to be quite huggy. It was something that caused what was probably our most aggressive argument, though we both admitted/felt that our cruel words had more to do with the stress of final exams etc., we both apologised for where we could have communicated better or did something differently, and we spent proper time explaining our feelings, thoughts, and discussing the issue at length. We ended up walking away from it with him saying he really did trust me entirely and that it would take literally kissing or being sexual with a male, or even female (as I'm pansexual), friend before I lost that trust and that it would take that severe of an issue (so essentially cheating) to end the relationship based on a member of the opposite sex. As I allow my boyfriend the same freedom with his female friends should he so choose, it meant a lot that he ultimately does trust me to that extent, as that level of trust is something that isn't present in a lot of my friends' relationships, so that talk did help/benefit our relationship. I guess I go through feelings of insecurity, because of the residual affects of that argument, thinking he's lying to me, even though he's no reason to and even though our relationship has always been built on 100% honesty, even where it hurts...
   
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