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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Kurtis Offline
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Your last chance, my final failure - June 7th 2010, 04:00 AM

I've been a member of this site for many years, since 2004 if I remember correctly. I used to think this site would help me through my problems, but consistently it's brought me nothing but more pain. I'm going to try this one last time by trying something I haven't done before. Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, and although my disorders could fill a college textbook, insanity is not something I would consider one of my problems.
I want to go to a mental institution, where I can voluntarily lock myself up for the rest of my life. I have failed in school, family, relationships, and work. Since humanity is so skewed as to put down a dog in misery but not a human, I must what will hurt everybody around me the least. Suicide is not an option. I am already in hell, but in the small chance that I'm wrong and there is something worse than this after death, I don't want anything to do with it. So my last choice is to quit life without actually ending it. While this will hurt everybody around me, it's much better than the alternative of suicide which will hurt them more than locking myself away, or the other alternative of going on making everybody believe I'm okay, which will hurt me more than I can bear.
The only unanswered question in this plan is the cost. My family cannot support the costs associated with a mental institution, and even if they could I wouldn't put the burden on them and show them I'm a failure even more. My question then is how to put myself into an institution without forcing any of the people that love me to pay for it. I know they will be forced to take me in if I attempt suicide, but I'd rather do this in a more civil manner if possible. If they won't take me in otherwise, I guess my other option would be to have myself emancipated from my family, so they wouldn't be financially accountable for me any longer. But I imagine this process takes more time than I have.
I want to go away. If anybody on this site has the heart to help me, don't try to tell me it's going to get better and to keep trying. I'm sick of these lies. I've been miserable beyond my capability to handle the pain since 2001. I've been told these lies my entire life, it will get better after I get out of middle school, it'll get better once I get into college, it'll be better after I have a car and some spending money and freedom, it'll be better once I come back and go to college at home, it'll get better once this semester is over. I'm done believing your lies. Tell me the answer to what I asked, and only that. I don't want to hear how everything got better for you and to just give it time, I don't want to hear that I'm in a dark place right now but I should pray and ask God to help me out, I don't want to hear about ways to cope with the pain. Just. Answer. My. Question. Once I know how to fix the problems with my plan, I will immediately put it into action, and you will never see me again. That's it. Thanks for helping.


What doesn't kill us makes us weaker, until it eventually overpowers us to our eventual deaths. Life is about struggling as long as we can until our body mind and soul cannot take it anymore, and then we die.
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Your last chance, my final failure - June 7th 2010, 05:26 AM

Alright Kurtis you say that you SHOULD PRAY, you right. The main question I have for you is "ARE YOU SAVED?" If not the BIBLE warns us in Romans 3:23 that the wages of sin is death but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. If you are saved, maybe God is trying to tell you something with the pain in your life, and locking yourself up won't be any help. What if there's a young person out there in the world, or on this website that really needs your help, but your locked up and can't help them, then they commit suicide BECAUSE you didn't want to face your problems. I've had some really hard times in my life, and ALOT of pain, and I'm only 16, but I haven't given up yet, I won't to use the pain that I've experienced, and all the times that I've felt like I was nothing and that nobody cared,(which is a lie, because God care no matter who doesn't/ He is a Friend that sticks closer than a brother.)to try and help improve somebody elses life. As far as your question, I can't think of anything. I'm praying for you. God BLESS
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Your last chance, my final failure - June 7th 2010, 07:08 AM

Honestly, Kurtis, I suck at this, but I mean... I honestly think you should consider getting the mental health help. Even if it means spending a week or two in the Psych Ward. I mean, you won't need to be locked away for life. Maybe the help you need is just a bit more extreme than has been intended, and more than you've ever tried..?

Give it a try, maybe. Voluntaringly commit yourself for a bit to try and get better, if you think that it could even have a slight chance at improving things. They could work on your diagnostic issues, medications, and other forms of help.

I wish you the best with whatever you decide to do, anyways.


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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Your last chance, my final failure - June 7th 2010, 09:37 AM

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Originally Posted by Angeal View Post
If you are saved, maybe God is trying to tell you something with the pain in your life, and locking yourself up won't be any help.
And just what is He trying to say? The pain in my life has been the single most defining factor in my anger and separation from God over the years. I highly doubt God is trying to make me a stronger person if this is his doing.

And thanks for the response Arcangel, good to know somebody else believes I know what I'm doing.


What doesn't kill us makes us weaker, until it eventually overpowers us to our eventual deaths. Life is about struggling as long as we can until our body mind and soul cannot take it anymore, and then we die.
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Re: Your last chance, my final failure - June 7th 2010, 01:15 PM

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And thanks for the response Arcangel, good to know somebody else believes I know what I'm doing.
Well I don't agree with you locking yourself away forever. That'd prove useless, both for you and for others. I mean, why not find every way possible to try and get better, even if a tad extreme? It's better than still continuing to live in pain. Besides, I don't think they LET you lock yourself away forever, normally.


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  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Your last chance, my final failure - June 7th 2010, 09:29 PM

Well if they try to throw me out I'll just try to kill myself. They can't throw me out if I'm a danger to myself.


What doesn't kill us makes us weaker, until it eventually overpowers us to our eventual deaths. Life is about struggling as long as we can until our body mind and soul cannot take it anymore, and then we die.
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  (#7 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Your last chance, my final failure - June 7th 2010, 09:46 PM

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Originally Posted by Kurtis View Post
Well if they try to throw me out I'll just try to kill myself. They can't throw me out if I'm a danger to myself.
Or... crazy thought here, they may ACTUALLY help you.


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  (#8 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Your last chance, my final failure - June 8th 2010, 02:00 AM

When I was twenty, I was ready to die. No girlfriends. No friends. No life. My life was absolute shit. Not to mention having to fear myself because of the violent thoughts I used to have and constantly reminding myself of the ticking time bomb I was back in high school and just thanking God that my parents didn't have a gun. I was too afraid to commit suicide, but I seriously thought that was the end. Then things started to fall in and out - I started crashing. Drugs. Alcohol. Anything I could get to escape. Because by that point - I thought I had lost it all. My cousin was dead. That my family thought the bad one lived while the good one died. It was hell. Drugs, in all honesty, was probably my way of trying to kill myself - hoping that I od'd.

But, things did come together. Girls are finally talking to me. I have friends. I'm over at my dream company. If I had given up those years ago, I wouldn't be where I am now. Did it seem impossible that I'd be here? Back then, hell yeah. Today? All I know is what I lived through - going/feeling like trash, waste, and being able to rise up. If you surrender, then you've lost. The only way to win is to fight and I know you can do that. Things will get better in time. Cliche? Well, I lived it. And so can you, just keep fighting and with patience and will - everything you ever wanted can come your way. The hardest part is the easiest solution: you can will yourself into anything.


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  (#9 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Your last chance, my final failure - June 8th 2010, 04:34 AM

Glad to hear shit worked out for you Josh. I'm not so lucky.
Julz, I doubt it, but I'll just have to find out when I get there, won't I? It's not like I haven't seen (multiple) psychiatrists and psychologists before. I'm on the maximum dose of the fourth anti-depressant they've put me on and obviously it's still not working.
I just told all of my friends about my plan, leaving out the permanent inpatient part. I have half of their support so it's better than I expected. We'll see how it goes. I'll be sure to tell you all before I leave.


What doesn't kill us makes us weaker, until it eventually overpowers us to our eventual deaths. Life is about struggling as long as we can until our body mind and soul cannot take it anymore, and then we die.
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Re: Your last chance, my final failure - June 8th 2010, 05:41 AM

Kurtis,

I'm going to be honest with you, hopefully that's okay. I'm a little confused as to why you've posted a thread, why you've bothered to ask any of us for advice, when your mind is so clearly made up. Are you even going to listen to any of the advice we give you? Will it really make a difference? I'd really like to know, before I spend even a moment of my night typing up a heartfelt reply to you, will it really make a difference? Are you really willing to reconsider? Are our attempts really worth it? Because before anyone can help you, you need to be open to the help. You need to be willing to do all you can to be happy. If you've already made up your mind that you are giving up, and are not willing to reconsider, then I really don't want to waste my time. I'm not trying to be rude, because I really do care about you, and I don't want you shutting yourself away and never having a thing to do with the world. But if you're going to shut your mind to anything anyone has to say to you, then this thread is a waste of time. The truth is that people care about you, and that there is purpose in your life, that there is a reason you are here. But if your mind is so made up that you are denying hope, even when it's right in front of your face, even when you may be seeing it, there's nothing that I, or any of us, can do to help you. You're the only one who can help yourself, Kurtis. None of our replies can make a difference in your life, unless you let them. That's just the way it works. I really hope you decide to keep an open mind to all everyone has to say, and that you decide to let hope make a difference in your life. You aren't a hopeless case, you have many opportunities in life to be happy and to make a difference in the way that you live. The question isn't whether or not you have those opportunities, they are always there. The question is whether or not you will take them. If you lock yourself up in a mental institute and shut yourself away for good, clearly you've made the decision to turn your back on those opportunities. Wouldn't you rather give life a chance?

If you're really willing to listen and believe in yourself, and to change your mind about all of this, then PM me anytime.
Otherwise, there's really nothing any of us can do. You do have hope. Don't turn your back on it.






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  (#11 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Your last chance, my final failure - June 8th 2010, 05:54 AM

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My question then is how to put myself into an institution without forcing any of the people that love me to pay for it.
THAT is the reason why I posted this thread. Don't try to pull the guilttrip shit on me I've heard it all before. I posted this thread for a VERY specific reason and so far nobody has helped me. I don't know how I could have made it any clearer than that. I didn't come here to be talked out of anything I came here to get my questions answered. Just help me find the answers or don't post.


What doesn't kill us makes us weaker, until it eventually overpowers us to our eventual deaths. Life is about struggling as long as we can until our body mind and soul cannot take it anymore, and then we die.
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Re: Your last chance, my final failure - June 8th 2010, 06:03 AM

I'm not going to tell you how to get into a mental institution without your family having to pay because:

1.) I think it's a ridiculous idea.
2.) I have no idea.

Most of the time when people come to TH they are looking for other people's opinions, and that's all I was trying to share with you. I'm sorry that you're not willing to accept advice from others, but I wouldn't get angry with people who are only trying to help you.





A lonely soul in a land of broken hearts


   
  (#13 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Your last chance, my final failure - June 8th 2010, 06:09 AM

I tried that before. Before the forums crashed and I had to create a new account I had over 400 posts. I've had enough of the same identical advice to last me a lifetime. It's great seeing the other threads on this board of first time posters saying everything's okay after the first person replies to it and I wish that could be me but it's not. I'm not asking for advice on this site anymore because it doesn't help me and I'm not going to put that burden on any of the users here. It's not going to work.

And don't tell me not to get angry when your post was obviously meant to do just that. Usually when you have to type "I'm going to honest with you" and "I'm not trying to be rude", that means you need to rewrite what you're going to say because all it's going to do is piss the other person off. Think about what you write.


What doesn't kill us makes us weaker, until it eventually overpowers us to our eventual deaths. Life is about struggling as long as we can until our body mind and soul cannot take it anymore, and then we die.
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Re: Your last chance, my final failure - June 8th 2010, 06:19 AM

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I tried that before. Before the forums crashed and I had to create a new account I had over 400 posts. I've had enough of the same identical advice to last me a lifetime. It's great seeing the other threads on this board of first time posters saying everything's okay after the first person replies to it and I wish that could be me but it's not. I'm not asking for advice on this site anymore because it doesn't help me and I'm not going to put that burden on any of the users here. It's not going to work.

And don't tell me not to get angry when your post was obviously meant to do just that. Usually when you have to type "I'm going to honest with you" and "I'm not trying to be rude", that means you need to rewrite what you're going to say because all it's going to do is piss the other person off. Think about what you write.
I've been on TH for a long time, and I've come across a fair share of people like yourself. A lot of times I've learned that sometimes being really kind and sweet with people just isn't the right way to go. I could have sat there for ten minutes sugarcoating my words and lying my ass off to you, but I figured you would want honesty. I know that on my difficult days, sometimes I just want people to be completely honest with me, to stop sugarcoating their words and just tell me the truth.

Honestly, though, if you hate TH so much, and it has done so little to help you, then why are you posting once again? Seems like an awfully large waste of time to me. Like I said, I was only trying to help you. If you'd like me to lie to you and be as nice as can be, then I have no problem doing that, really. Just figured you would want my honest opinion.





A lonely soul in a land of broken hearts


   
  (#15 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Your last chance, my final failure - June 8th 2010, 06:32 AM

Unfortunately Im not sure if there is a way to commit yourself where your family would not be forced to pay for it. Unfortunately, psych hospitals are generally very expensive so I dont know how you would get get around the financial aspect.

I understand that you have made up your mind about all this. But have you thought about going to a hospital for a few weeks and trying to get help? I know that you said that you have tried about 4 different medications, but there are so many more out there. It took over 2 years before doctors found meds that work ok for me. I have tried so many meds I dont even know how many anymore, I lost track (over 20). There are a few other options that you have not tried yet that I think could help you. But if you think that the only thing left for you to do is to be committed, I understand your decision. I am glad that suicide is not your decision- thats something very positive that you should be proud of yourself for.


"Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself and become a new person." -Gerard Way
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  (#16 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Your last chance, my final failure - June 8th 2010, 07:11 AM

Thank you Karyn. Unfortunately if there is no way to get around the financial aspect of a mental ward then suicide would be easier on my family. I'm not going to force my family to pay for my fucked up life and I can't bear to live like this anymore. Looks like I've ran out of options, doesn't it?


What doesn't kill us makes us weaker, until it eventually overpowers us to our eventual deaths. Life is about struggling as long as we can until our body mind and soul cannot take it anymore, and then we die.
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Re: Your last chance, my final failure - June 8th 2010, 10:42 AM

Hey,

It seems to me you have already made up your mind and no offence intended but you seem pretty stubborn on sticking to your decision. I understand that totally because I get into that mindset at times and no matter what people say and who tries to help your set on what you have decided.
To be honest I think you should look back you say you have been living in more pain than you can bear since 2001. We're now in 2010.. There must have been something you're doing right because otherwise I don't believe you would be here today. Have you actually tried to get help before and if so what kind? Because it's all very well saying to people 'help me' but if your not willing to help yourself then there's no point. It's a two way system thing. They can only support you if you're willing. I don't believe locking yourself up is the best solution in my opinion, and shutting your family out is one of the worse things you could do. Your family love you, they want to help and support you.. yes they may not understand everything.. but you have unconditional love from them and no matter what you do they will always love you. In fact if you told them they'd probably be proud of you and more than willing to help you.
You say you've tried numerous medication.. Well I'v tried many as well and to be honest I still haven't found the right one.. But there's so many out there and it may just be a question of time.
I'm gonna be straightforward and say you seriously need to think about things and get some help. Your life can't have been that bad if you're still here after 9 years.
   
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Re: Your last chance, my final failure - June 8th 2010, 11:00 AM

Get real man, no institution is going to lock u up and throw away the key. And ya they will kick out if you are a danger to yourself. Maybe they will keep u a few weeks if u continue to threatin suicide but there is only so much they will do for u. If you dont accept the help from them u can bet your ass they will throw you out.


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Re: Your last chance, my final failure - June 8th 2010, 01:59 PM

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I've had enough of the same identical advice to last me a lifetime.
Maybe it's the same identical advice because people actually care and are giving the best advice they can. There's very little we can do besides offer words of support and advice, but we do it because we care. If I, and the others here didn't care, you think we'd even post here?

Personally it feels to me like you've set up an over sized steel wall and you're seeing who cares enough to break it down. Resigning yourself to being the "person beyond help" and receiving sympathy is the easiest way out, but you'll never be happy in the long run. The truth is you aren't beyond help, you've just stubbornly decided that's what you want. There are a ton of people who care and would support you if you tried to help yourself. You could have friends, a job, and a happy life. It wouldn't be easy but it's very possible if you simply choose to try.

You know full well we aren't going to tell you how to lock yourself away for life. You also know full well we all care since we're all here posting "the same identical advice" over and over. And if you truly wanted what would "hurt everyone the least", you wouldn't mention suicide, since that will just upset everyone all the more and make them feel responsible.

You know you want help. Think about things seriously. Pull yourself out of that hell and that dark place. You've managed to take yourself this far, which is something you should be proud of, and you can definitely do it. As brutally honest as I've been, I really do believe that.


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Re: Your last chance, my final failure - June 8th 2010, 02:31 PM

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THAT is the reason why I posted this thread. Don't try to pull the guilttrip shit on me I've heard it all before. I posted this thread for a VERY specific reason and so far nobody has helped me. I don't know how I could have made it any clearer than that. I didn't come here to be talked out of anything I came here to get my questions answered. Just help me find the answers or don't post.
Why a mental institution? If you don't want help, you just want to get away from everything...
Have you considered prison?
You can get locked up for something as simple as vandalism if you do it violently or often enough.
Tax pays for prisoners too, so yeah - your family would be paying but so would everyone else.

I guess you could only be locked up for a short time depending on your crime, but you could just repeat offend and get locked up again.

If you want to get away from people, you can just be unmanagable in prison and they'll put you in solitary confinement.

I understand you feel a mental institution would be your best choice but I think considering your question bluntly and taking into account your feelings, this is the best option.


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Re: Your last chance, my final failure - June 8th 2010, 05:00 PM

I've always been an avid viewer of these forums and from what I've seen the general population that comes here are seeking help because they have nowhere else to turn to, or they're here to offer their support the only way they're able to; and that is through words.

I'm disgusted how you continually mock everyone trying to make a change in their life while posting your negativeness over and over again. Just looking at this thread, I can tell that people genuinely care about you, otherwise they would leave this thread with 0 replies as you thoroughly deserve.

You don't want help, you just want to play victim and make us all feel bad because there's nothing we can do for you. Do you do this to your family? No wonder you feel like you're alone the world if this is how you act. No one likes to feel helpless, neither you, nor the people you're telling your problems to.

No one is going to tell you how to get locked up. Even if you could get locked up it would never be forever, and if you were really serious about not hurting anyone you would just keep it to yourself. You say we're guilt tripping you? You guilt trip everyone offering help to you by saying there is nothing we can do.

Save some money and go buy a tent and live outside in the woods if you're really serious about this.
   
  (#22 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Your last chance, my final failure - June 8th 2010, 06:20 PM

Ellie, I've lived like this for 9 years because I've had no other options. I agree Ellie I should have killed myself a long time ago with how miserable again but I guess I'm a failure in that aspect as much as I am in any other. As much as I wish I could I can't put my life on pause so I can sort my shit out. Therefor it's just been getting worse and worse until now I'm in the state I'm in today. My family is useless for this, my mom is completely unsupportive, whenever I bring this up she either goes numb and stops the conversation right there or she starts yelling at me like it's my fault. And my dad tries to help I think, but he really has no insight into how I live day to day, plus he's probably the number one person that gets on my case every day, especially telling me about how I don't work hard enough, or I stay up too late, etc, and that makes it really hard to talk to him. Nobody in my family knows how much I'm really struggling and I want to keep it that way because if I come out to my family with how miserable I am it will create more drama and tension in my family, which is one of the big problems I have right now.

Liam, right now I need the easiest way out because that's all I can handle right now. I'm really messed up, ok? Building a wall is how I cope, and if I leave myself vulnerable as I've done before it's only left me worse in the long run, even if I feel better for a little bit first. This is what's happened to my love life. I let somebody else in and when I'm at my most vulnerable point they crush me. So I've closed myself off from ever falling in love again by refusing to ever be in a relationship again. This is basically how everything has been in my life. I've given something a chance and it's destroyed me, so I make sure it doesn't happen again by putting up my wall. Now I'm surrounded by all these different walls I've put up but I still don't feel safe. Now I just want to run away from all these problems and hurts and hangups and just exist.

Ethan, thanks, I'll keep that in mind.


What doesn't kill us makes us weaker, until it eventually overpowers us to our eventual deaths. Life is about struggling as long as we can until our body mind and soul cannot take it anymore, and then we die.
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  (#23 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Your last chance, my final failure - June 8th 2010, 07:28 PM

But Kurtis, it doesn't have to be this way. You don't have to suffer forever. Isn't it better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all? I know you've been hurt in the past, but there's living proof that things can change, that not everybody will hurt you, that there are people out there who will love and understand you. I know how you feel, I've been hurt too, over and over, sometimes it feels like it will never end- I get it. But you can't lose the hope that somewhere out there, there are future friends to be made and family to love.

Even for people who feel broken, like you and me, there are other people who relate to us and can be friends with us, even people who can love us. Who can relate to a perfect person? Sometimes it's a relief for people to be around somebody who's just as insecure as they are. We're all human.

So please don't think you have to run away from this life. I know that's not the advice you want but I think it's the option you have to take.

Lastly- When Pandora of legend opened the forbidden box, she released misery and despair and all those things designed to destroy mankind. But you should never forget that nestled in the corner of that box was a glowing, golden sliver of Hope. That's the ultimate weapon you need to defeat all those miserable thoughts.

Sorry I rambled on a lot, but your situation sounds so similar to mine that you hit a bit of a nerve.
   
  (#24 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Your last chance, my final failure - June 10th 2010, 08:19 AM

I can understand relationships that destroy you. The only relationship I've was in nearly destroyed me as a person, I let someone in, trusted them with absolutely everything and devoted every bit of my life to them....and all of a sudden they casually shatter me, hurt me in every way they can and stroll out of my life.

A lot of us here have similar problems and can relate to your issues. We understand a great deal better than you'd think. We all have various ways of dealing with it.

Setting up walls means you find it extremely hard to trust, but you want to see who cares enough to break those walls down. You don't have enough trust in people to make it easy for them to get in. It doesn't mean you want to be alone for the rest of your life. You know that deep down, you just believe there's no other path.

Maybe just try trusting a little bit and try to make new friends and fix your life. Yes, you might get hurt a few more times, and it wont be easy. Is it really worse than rotting away in a mental institute in solitude forever? If you try, you'll also make friends who you can trust and have good memories. It'll give you more self belief to take control of your life too. What have you got to lose?
You might not realize it but you have a lot of friends here and a lot of people willing to be there for you and help. We can bash away at those walls for as long as we have to.


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