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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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RandomEmo Offline
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I can't deal with this. - June 7th 2010, 03:38 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I can't deal with all of this. It's just not working out for me at all.
My best friend has started drinking and I can't say shit about it because I am too.
We talked about it.
We just don't want to feel feelings anymore.
She told me that I should talk to her if I want to kill myself again. But I don't know how.
Because after not talking to her for a few days, I found out that she's in the exact same situation as me. So we can't do anything about it.
We both recently (though her, not so recently) broke up with someone. We both now have that person dating one of our friends. (Just to clarify: Different ex's, different friends)
We both have exams and are using alcohol to try and deal with the stress of that. We've both pretty much given up trying.
But I'm scared. Because if I'm this not-okay, then I can't help her and I'm worried about her.
I have no incentive to stop cutting again. Granted the two months I stopped were good, but since then everything has gone downhill. I have no reason to want to eat. I've always been slightly on the chubby side and I'm just not interested in finding a safe way to deal with that. The best friend I mentioned and I are just enabling each other with that by exchanging pro-ana sites and triggering material that we've each found online. I used to think it was awful, the whole pro-ED community, until I made my friend show me one of the sites she'd been on and I realised, it is like an actual community and I like it.
All that being said. I have no idea if I've even put this in the right forum.
We recently decided that skipping is a very good way to lose weight, or at least, burn calories (are numbers allowed on here? I don't know? Don't want to trigger anyone anyway...)
But we made a joke, or at least, I'm hoping she was joking, that a skipping rope is a multi purpose item.
I could easily put the two ends over my door and close it, locking them there. Making a loop and sticking my head through it. Whoops. I might just slip and fall off my chair. Oh well.
Is there a magic cure-all for any of this? I'm finding it difficult to look at anything and not see how it could be used dangerously.
And although there's a lot of history to it, what triggered it most was realising that the only actual female friend I had for months when I moved here, is now "in love" with the boy I've loved with all my heart for almost a year. He was always so strong, and caring. He found me the first time I tried to kill myself, I was with him the second time when I collapsed in the street. Both times he helped me. I never felt good enough for him. He was too fantastic to be with someone like me. Now I just feel betrayed by both him and my friend.
Someone I know often asks me how I know so much about how my best friend is feeling, the truth is: some aspects of our lives are so strikingly similar, that I know EXACTLY how she feels, because it's how I feel. I just hope she doesn't feel the same as me now. Because I don't see the point in living here for much longer. There is no point to my being here and she's the only person who would even notice I was gone.
We've both already started pushing everyone away but each other and if this continues, I can see 2 endings: Either we don't get to see each other this year like we planned. Or we die together.
I really don't know why I'm posting this, I think I really had to vent somewhere.
I just need a way to get over this.


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We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless, we don't get to choose all the endings but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers, bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home.
Jamie Tworkowski.
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Re: I can't deal with this. - June 7th 2010, 04:12 PM

Really sorry to hear how tough things have been for you It sounds like there's a lot of stress in your life, but drinking and pushing people away is just temporary and wont help you feel any happier in the long run. If your friend is in the same situation as you, maybe you could both try to help each other. Like talking about anything on your mind or planning fun things to do together. If you feel really depressed, it can sometimes help to find someone to talk to and get things off your mind instead. Hang in there anyway and try your best to think positive, things can get better and you do deserve to be happy. Just message if you ever need someone to talk to too, best of luck.


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RandomEmo Offline
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Re: I can't deal with this. - June 7th 2010, 11:46 PM

Thanks for the reply
Unfortunately, there isn't anything either of us can really do in a practical sense because I'm halfway around the world from her which is kind of the problem..


Quote:
We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless, we don't get to choose all the endings but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers, bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home.
Jamie Tworkowski.
  Send a message via Yahoo to RandomEmo  
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