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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Jackkk Offline
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Name: Jack
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How Can I Be Here Again? :'( - June 19th 2010, 12:45 PM

Last January, my boyfriend broke up with me really badly. Hurt me alot, took an overdose. I suffered for months. He sent me a couple of letters, called my work, but i couldnt get back with him as much as i wanted to. I went travelling with my brother and some friends to thailand for a whole month. In the back of my head thinking, "this will test if my life is worth living or not" for the whole month all i could think about was him. I remember being on a boat at night, on the top deck on my own, watching the lightening, crying and saying "please tell me what to do". I got home the beginning of may. I had spent my 19th birthday out there and had received a card from him.

A few days after i had a dream we got back together, woke up, went downstairs, and there was a letter waiting from him. I read it, and there were pictures of us at the end of it cuddling. i broke down completely.

Knew i had to see him.

Anyway, we met, best day of my life. We sorted things out. Kissed and cuddled in a field for hours. My whole world had just come back to me.

We had such happy times at first. Things gradually got worse. He lied to me, betrayed my trust. I used to bite him, playfully, but it got out of hand. He would have bite marks all over him. I guess this was my way to get back at him? i dont know.

Anyway he means the world to me. We moved in together. Had just had our year anniversary.

Then bang. Over again. Tried to get him back. He doesnt want it.

I feel so guilty. Like everything is my fault. I didnt show how much he meant to me, my true feelings, took everything for granted.

Really hate myself. I cant go back home, lost my job. Living in a different city with my dad. Whole world is upside down. Its been 3 weeks since we split today.

He was fine when i saw him. As if nothing had happened. I dont know.

I HATE MYSELF. Dont want to be here. On antidepressants.

He is my world. I pushed him away. Now hes gone for good.


If you want to help me,
let me help you.

I will do my best to try and help everyone.
Dont hesitate to PM Me.

Take care. xx
   
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Adele Offline
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Re: How Can I Be Here Again? :'( - June 25th 2010, 03:03 PM

Hi jack- I dug out your story after a message you wrote somewhere else. I'm really sorry, I won't try to understand. But I don't think you should give up, this is hard but it's what will make you who you are in the long run. The world is full of heartbreak, so many people have unbearable things happen to them. It's the people that decide they will overcome it that find happiness again. Do you want to be happy again? You will get through this take each day at a time and before you know it a week month year will have gone by and things will be a little less painful. You will get better. Time heals. You are so young and have so much to offer, get a picture in ur head of what you want to be not who you are and know nothing can stop you. X


Your everywhere to me &
when i close my eyes its you I see.
When I catch my breath its you I breath.
x
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Jackkk Offline
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Re: How Can I Be Here Again? :'( - June 25th 2010, 03:13 PM

But thats my problem. I am my biggest critic, my own worst enemy. Talk myself down, make myself unhappy. I have never been happy. I was happier when i was with him, but not happy. the biggest problem in my life is me. I dont like myself.


If you want to help me,
let me help you.

I will do my best to try and help everyone.
Dont hesitate to PM Me.

Take care. xx
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
WashoutThePain Offline
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Re: How Can I Be Here Again? :'( - June 25th 2010, 03:23 PM

Quote:
He lied to me, betrayed my trust. I used to bite him, playfully, but it got out of hand. He would have bite marks all over him. I guess this was my way to get back at him? i dont know.
See, to me, that doesn't seem like you were very happy with him.. Not sure why you'd be happier with someone who lied and betrayed you. Maybe you liked the idea of someone who was there for you, but it doesn't seem like he was the right guy. Don't be so hard on yourself! No one is perfect, and you haven't done anything wrong. I think if you give yourself a chance to accept yourself and love yourself, you won't need him or anyone else to make you happy. Try to find a hobby/passion that makes you happy instead. Find something you can do to make you proud of yourself. Write down things that you love about yourself. If you at least TRY these things, you should feel a little better =] Break-ups are hard... they really mess with your emotions. But you're strong, and you can get through this. Hang in there


   
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Re: How Can I Be Here Again? :'( - June 25th 2010, 04:57 PM

Jack, I'm going to be honest with you here.


NO GUY/GIRL/WHATEVER ELSE is worth upsetting yourself this much over. Especially if they're making you unhappy, hurting you (emotionally or physically), or just overall upsetting you.


You may be thinking "Easier said than done". I know. I've lost boyfriends, most the time being dumped.

I only broke it off with one person, ever, and that was because he had become abusive, neglectful, and we were going two completely different ways in life.

I had a fellow break it off with me because, well, he realized my mental and emotional state, and couldn't handle it. My lows were too much for him, he only liked the highs.


And recently, I lost a good friend (or so I had thought) who wanted to date me, because my insecurities, my mood swings, and a slew of other excuses pertaining to "I'm fucked up". It drove him away. He literally told me I was "out of my goddamn mind".

Then the other day, he contacted me again, claiming he had missed me, after hurting me so much. I tried to talk to him about the situation, he didn't seem to want to address it too much. His apology seemed really phony.

After a bit, he says "How are the twins". Talking about my breasts. Lovely. And I kinda shrugged it off, since I did miss talking to him. The conversation got increasingly painful, as I found out that basically, him and one of my (thought to be) good friends pretty much agreed that I'm fucked in the head, and disassociating from me is a good idea. Like, the good friend said to this fellow, when the situation was described and mentioning that he stopped talking to me, "Can't blame you!".

That conversation was terribly painful. It did not go well at all, and the aftermath was pretty bad too.

I let my feelings for a friend affect me, and I ended up cutting myself up, and making a suicide plan. And well, its not the right way to handle this. Not when I have others in my life who do care. I have my long-distance boyfriend, and a handful of online friends. No one in person knows of any of my "struggles", except the ones who left me because of such. Only one person I've known in person knows I self-harm.

It's not fun, nor is it a wise path, to let yourself get carried away, because of a lover or a friend. And you're not the only one who has gone through these things. It's hard, but times like this are when it's best to turn to the other people that care about you and your well-being, even if they're online.

Take advantage of TeenHelp, at the very least, to help you keep your mind off of him, and the hurtful things he does, or causes you, to do.


Dare to be Different, to be Weird, to be a Freak.
Overall, Dare to be yourself.

Stamp Out Prejudice Hatred and Intolerance Everywhere
The Sophie Lancaster Foundation



   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
Jackkk Offline
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Re: How Can I Be Here Again? :'( - June 25th 2010, 05:17 PM

Thank you all so much for your support. means alot x


If you want to help me,
let me help you.

I will do my best to try and help everyone.
Dont hesitate to PM Me.

Take care. xx
   
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