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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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I Hate Myself - June 20th 2010, 09:06 PM

I figured it out. This is why I'm depressed. This is why I cut myself. It's why things I used to love like writing songs and stories are no longer fun, because all I can think about is how much I suck at everything. I really do hate myself. I feel like I'm sharing a mind with this disgusting, irritating, stupid person. I hate myself so much that I don't even want to bother fixing it because I feel like I deserve it. I can't let myself believe that I have any good qualities. When people tell me I'm a good person, it makes me want to hurt myself. For the past several weeks, I've begun to realize that I haven't been taking my counselor's advice because I don't want to. I don't want to get rid of the depression. I thought maybe it was part of some stupid, melodramatic, self-pity kind of thing, but no. It's because I know that I deserve it. And if I kill myself and hurt everyone, who fucking cares, that just further proves that I'm a cold and selfish bitch. I don't even know why I'm posting this.
   
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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 01:42 AM

You dont deserve this I promise no matter what you think you have done or anything you dont deserve to feel this way no one does. If you need anything PM me.
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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 01:59 AM

I know in my mind that I haven't done anything to deserve this, but it's like the depression is some kind of parasite or demon. It controls me completely. And no matter how hard I try to believe anything, it ultimately has the final say on everything including how I feel. So even if I know that I've done nothing, I still feel hatred and disgust toward myself. I'm so tired of fighting it. I just want to let it consume me and get what it wants so the pain will go away. And I just found out that I'm not even going to be able to see a doctor about meds for another fucking month. They can already take up to a month to start working, and what if they don't even work? I can't take this.
   
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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 02:14 AM

I promise you that it will be worth the fighting please i know that you want it all to be over with but you have to keep fighting. I know that you have something that you love to do or someone that you want to keep fighting for just hold on i promise its going to work out.


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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 02:20 AM

I don't know if I can be helped. At times I feel like I'm a fake because all of these people with depression talk about how they can't get out of bed, they burn themselves, they OD. Or they've been beaten and abused. I don't have any of that. I don't have any excuse to be depressed. I feel like no one would take me seriously unless I slashed up my arms right in front of them. Yet at the same time, I don't want people taking me seriously because 1) I hate causing people anguish 2) I'm terrified of hospitals and I know that's where I'd end up if I was honest about the way I feel.
   
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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 02:25 AM

I know exactly what you mean. I have never had any of that happen to me. But yet you have to reach out even if its to me or anyone it will make a difference. You talking about it now is making a step I promise you that I'm here and that you can talk to me about anything. And you dont have to be afraid of hospitals because they are only there to help you. Be honest about how you feel it will never hurt you


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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 02:31 AM

I know being honest is probably the best thing I can do for myself. But--it would bring everyone, including myself, so much pain. Not only because I'd know how worried everyone was, but because I'd be trying to help myself when all I want to do is hurt myself. I don't think anyone would be able to look at me the same way if I were completely honest. I'm thinking about telling my counselor how I feel, but I always chicken out and try to pretend I'm fine.
   
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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 02:35 AM

How do you really feel you have to tell someone. I know that you dont want to bring people down but do you really think they would be happier if you wern't there and they had to live with the fact that it was their fault that you didnt talk to them because they thought it would hurt you?


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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 02:45 AM

I'm so scared of what would happen. My friends would tell their parents, who would in turn tell my parents. And then I'd probably end up in a psych hospital, where I'd have to be honest with the doctors, too. I'd have to tell them everything about how I think and feel. The--whatever it is that's controlling me--it wouldn't let me do that. I know it wouldn't. And I'm so scared of losing my friends. I'm scared that once they know the truth, it'll be too much for them and they'll want to leave.
   
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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 02:47 AM

You can't be scared. You need to be fearless. I know what your feeling its sucks a lot but you need to tell someone. Would you rather have this feeling and have friends or be better and maybe have a few close ones? The hospitals really are not bad there are people there who want to make a difference in your life and they will if you let them.


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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 02:56 AM

I just feel like I'll end up going in circles. People won't see me as me anymore. They'll see me as the mentally unstable girl who cuts herself that they need to be careful around. Who knows how my life will be affected by it from that point on. If I feel bad now, how am I going to feel when I have no privacy, my friends don't know how to talk to me, and I have to rely on medication or whatever just to function like a normal person? I'll always be a freak no matter what.
   
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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 03:01 AM

Then me and you can be freaks together. Your never going to feel better pretending to be someone else.


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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 03:05 AM

Exactly. I can't pretend to be someone else. No matter how much I try to convince myself that I can be normal like everyone else, it's never going to happen. And it hurts. All I want to do is live a normal life, but every time I turn a corner, I'm hit with a reminder of how messed up I am, which transforms into a bombardment of self-loathing, hateful thoughts.
   
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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 03:06 AM

Thats why you have to talk to someone about how you are feeling.


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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 03:11 AM

I'm REALLY not comfortable talking to my parents. I have two friends who I can tell. I don't see my counselor again until next week. I'm not sure who to tell or when. And I'm scared that, when the time comes, I'll just chicken out and pretend I'm okay or tell them I'm fine because, at that moment, I'm not feeling depressed.
   
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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 03:13 AM

Then right it down or something because i know that you cant go on much longer feeling the way that you do.


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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 03:16 AM

I know. I'm sort of talking about it to a friend right now, but I'm scared to tell her I'm feeling suicidal. I really can't handle a big dilemma right now. If I'm confronted about it, I know I'm probably going to run away and do something stupid.
   
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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 03:17 AM

Why would you do something stupid?


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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 03:28 AM

Out of fear.
   
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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 03:30 AM

Fear of what? Getting help? Feeling better?


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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 03:33 AM

I don't know. I'd feel cornered. I guess it would be more panic than anything. When I'm depressed, I feel like everyone is out to get me. Having them act like that would only make it 100 times worse.
   
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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 03:35 AM

Then what are you going to do to make it better?


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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 03:38 AM

Wait until I'm calm enough to talk about it and I can trust myself not to panic. Or wait until I'm somewhere where I can't run away. It's just my mother and I in the house right now. She's partially disabled. It wouldn't take much for me to flee if I wanted to.
   
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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 03:41 AM

Where would you run away to? It wont make anything go away.


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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 03:44 AM

I could always just go and get it over with. There's a bridge over the river. The water's pretty harsh right now. I could find a way to weight myself so I wouldn't float.
   
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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 03:51 AM

NO! You cant. It wouldnt solve anything.


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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 03:53 AM

Sure it would. The pain would all be gone.
   
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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 03:53 AM

And how much pain would you cause other people?


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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 03:55 AM

Too much. Which would just prove that I'm a self-absorbed, pathetic bitch.
   
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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 03:56 AM

But your not.


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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 04:00 AM

What if I really am? I take everything for granted. People tell me that I'm talented, but all I can do is wallow in my self-pity. People tell me they care about me, but all I can do is feel guilty about it. When people come to me with problems, I always give shitty advice that I can tell isn't really helping. Sometimes I avoid my friends because I'm scared of talking to them, and I don't even think about how that's probably making them feel.
   
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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 04:02 AM

Everyone is like that at times its just not you. I care that you dont kill yourself. Even if its just me it should mean something to you.


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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 04:06 AM

It does mean something. The real me doesn't want to go through with it. It's the part of me that's filled with self-loathing thoughts, depression, and anger that wants me to.
   
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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 04:08 AM

Then let the real you come out. To be honest you could have done anything to anyone or done anything bad but I would still care because you dont deserve to feel the way your are feeling.


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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 04:17 AM

Thanks. It really means a lot that you'd say that. And my eyes are tearing up now, because my friend just told me that me and my other friend are the best friends she's ever had. I'm going to tell my counselor soon, perhaps over the phone since I don't have an appointment for a while. But not without talking to my other friend first. I just need her to know how I feel and know that I love her in case something drastic happens.
   
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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 04:19 AM

Don't let something drastic happen your in control.


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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 04:30 AM

By drastic I just meant like going to the hospital or something.
   
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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 04:33 AM

Okay well good!


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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 04:36 AM

Thank you so much for talking to me. You really helped. I feel much better now.
   
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Re: I Hate Myself - June 21st 2010, 04:37 AM

Good! I'm here for you whenever.


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