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I don't know what to do - June 21st 2010, 12:55 PM

I've never done this before so it's kind of difficult for me, but I don't know what else to do to get it off my mind.
I disgust myself. That is the long and short of it. I feel so inept at doing anything, I hate how I look, I hate how I dont fit in, and the people around me only seem to make it worse.
I get very lonely, because my friends all left for uni last september and I dont make friends easily - the people I know now seem reluctant to include me in things they do. This makes me feel unwanted and on evenings when I'm on my own I wonder if this is because of me.
I suffer at home because my dad seems so very unloving. I am constantly doing things wrong, messing things up and getting in the way - and he very clearly lets me know this on a regular basis, so I feel worthless.
Another stupid thing is my boyfriend's porn subscription {sorry about putting this on here but it hurts} as it makes me feel inadequate and he know's this and just says its normal and means nothing, its just for fun - but i cant seem to explain to him that it makes me feel like I'm not good enough - not blonde, not a size 6, not the perfect figure.
The problem is, I cannot express these problems and get over them, because there is no-one to listen. I don't know if it is possible to develop depression over these kinds of things, but I constantly feel close to tears and suicide is something I have considered frequently. I feel so hopeless and my self worth is gone completely. I'm a failure at exams, I don't have many friends - and the ones I do have are scattered across various universities - and my parents often ignore me completely or remind me of my lack of skills . I wanted to get over this because it's making me ill, I can't sleep, eat properly or look at my reflection without thinking the world is better off without me. My boyfriend says he can liste, but in reality any issues I bring up relate back to him and I end up comforting him about his own issues - something I only found out about when i stumbled across this site, which he had been on himself. He wouldn't tell me about them because he did not trust me to not leave him, and he said he was hurt to find out I had issues - despite knowing I had self harmed and contemplated suicide before. This kind of made me feel more alone, as he mentioned a previous girlfriend who shares his problems and was understanding. I get that he has issues, but he can't see though them to get to mine and refuses to do anything about them. I feel completely alone on this, and I'm scared that I'll do something stupid.
I'm sorry this is so long, but I needed to say something - I feel like it's killing me and I feel so disgusted with myself all the time. I don't know what to do anymore. I've self harmed recently and I've contemplated suicide. I hate admitting it, it makes me feel so ashamed of myself but to me its like something that belongs to me, something that I can do, on my own, to express my problems, and it distracts me from everything else.
I don't know what to do anymore.
Sorry.
   
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Re: I don't know what to do - June 21st 2010, 06:26 PM

First of all there's no reason to apologize or feel ashamed for asking for help, you're entitled to support just as much as anyone else so post all you like. Getting things off your mind can help a lot.

Maybe talking to your bf might be a good idea. Communication is essential in relationships and you should be able to talk to him about anything on your mind without worrying about his reaction. Tell him straight that you'd like it if he would help you with your own issues as well as you helping him with his. It should be about helping each other and equal contribution, rather than you both concentrating on him. Telling him about you low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy might help too, he might be able to help you feel more appreciated and loved.

Try to be a little more proud of who you are and believe in yourself too. You're a nice person and you deserve to be happy and it isn't your fault at all if people around you are being down on you, try to ignore them.

If you ever need to talk or need anyone to listen feel free to PM anytime


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Re: I don't know what to do - June 21st 2010, 07:15 PM

You've got people that you can turn too, they're just a phone call away. If you don't have anyone to turn to there are people on here that would gladly help. I know what you mean about the boyfriend thing, only it's my friends. They find ways to turn situations and focus on themselves but you've just got to let him know that it's you that's in need. If he can't focus on you than I don't really think that your relationship is that great + the porn subscription. You need to tell him that you need to talk about you sometimes, and you need him to understand YOU sometimes. You matter too, and if you don't let someone know than they can't help you. It's easy talking to strangers about your problems, but you've got to find the people that care and tell them. 'Cause in all reality those are the people that you're going to want to listen too.

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Charles.

P.S Msg me anytime if needed.
   
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Re: I don't know what to do - June 21st 2010, 09:01 PM

I do try talking to my boyfriend about it, and it's not his fault but he can't seem to help, probably because he has his own problems that he can't get his head around. The thing that gets me the most is the loneliness and the worthlessness. I feel inadequate to everyone around me and that's what gets me the most. On bad days I can sit and look at someone, think of all the things they're brilliant at and feel like nothing in comparison. I disgust myself
   
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Re: I don't know what to do - June 21st 2010, 09:30 PM

joanna.

whatever you said about you yourself being inadequate and not having qualities that make you as good as others.. is basically bullshit that can be thrown into the biggest damn rubbish bin on earth. Never for once think you are not special, because you very well ARE special. I understand how people feel that others are always better . But at the very same time, some other person is probably looking at you and thinking "this girl is so wonderful.. there's not going to be many others like her around " .

And sometimes your boyfriend has your own problems.. but the fact remains that he definitely cares. I'm sure that he cares alot about you, and at times where he's having a clear mind, he's probably thinking about your best interests and making you as happy as you can be. And trust me.. you DO deserve to be happy.

and you know.. your fear of being around people or anxiety of being rejected... can ALL be overcome. =) never forget that. and never, ever, ever think for once that anyone else is on a higher plane of existance, a better individual that you'll never be able to be.

You are special and wonderful in your own way.. nothing can take that away from you.. NOTHING!

i hope i helped quite the bit. and remember.. you always got us to listen and talk to in case you need support.. or just a friend =) and yes.. all here, we're all friends .

caring always.


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Re: I don't know what to do - June 21st 2010, 09:33 PM

Thank you. Honest to god, thank you. I don't think anyone has ever said anything like that to me before. Seriously, thank you so much
   
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Re: I don't know what to do - June 21st 2010, 09:35 PM

You're a wonderful person and I'm sure you have lots of great qualities. And your bf could be a little more supportive. You have plenty of problems yourself too, but I'm sure if your bf needed support you would give it to him. Relationships are about working together, and he should be able to support you as much as you support him. I'm really sorry it makes you feel lonely, but you definitely aren't worthless. Your parents putting you down is probably a part of the problem too. You need to tell your bf that you want to talk about things too sometimes and it would really help if he listened. Do you have any friends at all you could talk to either?


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Re: I don't know what to do - June 21st 2010, 09:37 PM

I've chatted to some of my friends about it but it never seems to sink in, so I'm gonna keep at it. It's one of those things where I go through moments of utter self hatred and then everything is Ok again. I'm gonna get it checked out and talk to someone and try and talk stuff over with my partner, but you guys really are fantastic. Thank you so, so much
   
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Re: I don't know what to do - June 23rd 2010, 12:04 PM

dont mention it. remember we're always around =)


Those who have went through more pain than everyone else, and want to protect anyone and everyone they know and care for from that pain, are stronger than everyone.

we come, we help, we stick and never leave. pm me anytimeee!

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