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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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I don't know if I actually WANT to get better - June 24th 2010, 08:57 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I haven't been around on TH for a long, long time... but I really want some feedback on this, if that's ok...?

I've been in and out of depression since I was 12 (I'm now 19), and I always seem to come back to the same terrible state. I've just been asked by a friend if I actually WANT to get better... and I think I do... I mean what are my other options? Carry on as I am, or give up and commit suicide?

But it's almost like I enjoy being this depressed... it excuses certain behaviours, it gives me 'love' that I wouldn't otherwise get... I don't know

Has anyone else ever experienced "not wanting to get better"???

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Re: I don't know if I actually WANT to get better - June 24th 2010, 09:04 AM

Well, yes and no. I'm scared of the idea of "getting better", but thats because of the idea of the process more than anything.

I can see how the expectations for someone would be raised if they were "better", and if they don't meet those expectations, others will be more disappointed in them, which is another scary idea.

Unfortunately, the reality is, people like us will just have to work past these things and get better, in order to have an overall better life. You know what I mean?


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Re: I don't know if I actually WANT to get better - June 24th 2010, 11:15 AM

Yes! For the longest time I was terrified about the idea of getting better because then I wouldnt know who I am. Ive only known myself as being depressed. For me it was more that I was afraid to get out of my comfort zone. Even though the depression was horrible- I felt safe in a way because the unknown scared me even more. There is a great quote for this actually: "People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar"- Thich Nhat Hanh. Your not alone in what you are experiencing right now. Like I said, I basically would force myself back into a depression whenever I was feeling better because I was scared. But at some point, you will reach a point where the known suffering is no longer a comfort and you want a change. At some point you will truly want the help for yourself to get better. I have reached that point in my life but it took me 7 years to get there.
If you want to talk about this please PM me. I hope that at some point soon you will start truly wanting to get better but dont beat yourself up if it takes time to get there- a lot of people experience what you are going through. Just stay true to yourself.


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Re: I don't know if I actually WANT to get better - June 24th 2010, 04:50 PM

I completely understand where you are coming. Im frightened to get better. Id rather be miserable, because Im used to it and its my comfort zone.

If I was better and couldnt do something I wouldnt have an excuse. But being 'ill' or 'depressed' you wouldnt get the chance to have an excuse because of your condition.
It would excuse itself.


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Re: I don't know if I actually WANT to get better - June 24th 2010, 06:43 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by JackOffJill View Post
For me it was more that I was afraid to get out of my comfort zone. Even though the depression was horrible- I felt safe in a way because the unknown scared me even more.
Yes! This is exactly what I'm feeling. I so badly want to get out of this depression, but at the same time, I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I wasn't in it.

Thankfully, these feelings are beginning to falter slightly after making some great strides in therapy, which gives me hope for the future. Someday, I will be free of this and so will you. We just need to keep working at it and keep talking to those around us. I think it will eventually get easier.
   
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Re: I don't know if I actually WANT to get better - June 24th 2010, 07:22 PM

Nope, I hate depression and I just want the heck out =/ I'm extremely self-conscious and I tend to worry quite a lot about whether I'm in self pity even a little or not trying hard enough, or my problems aren't bad enough. It's part of the reason I nearly always refuse to actually talk about how I feel, even though I feel like breaking down half the time. I don't think I could ever happily "settle", there's no comfort here at all.


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Re: I don't know if I actually WANT to get better - June 24th 2010, 07:28 PM

Yes, I know how that feels. I think I don't want to get better for three reasons: 1) I basically hate myself, so there's a part of me that relishes the thought that I'm suffering all the time. 2) Without depression, I have anxiety because I dread that it's going to come back. I'm so scared of feeling that way again that I'm not able to enjoy days where I should feel normal. 3) It takes a lot of effort and time. When I'm depressed, the last thing I want to do is exert any energy; I feel like I don't have any to spare, not even for helping myself.
   
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Re: I don't know if I actually WANT to get better - June 24th 2010, 10:37 PM

Im 19 too and ive been battling depression for a good number of years. So I know what youre going through.
I know you want to get better. Anyone with depression does.

Ive experianced 'not wanting to get better' and it led me to a drug addiction.
I dont want that to happen to you.

Have you tried seeing a therapist? Have you told your parents whats going on and how you're feeling?
Getting excused for bad behaviors because of depression is no way to live.
We all want to be happy - its human nature. Never for one minute feel scared or ashamed to work to make yourself happy.
Yes, i said work. You have to WANT to do the emotional work to beat your depression. But it is 100% worth it.

Doing things like hurting yourself and acting out will only make the situation worse.
In order to get yourself out of the hole, you have to realize that if you keep digging, you'll just get deeper. does that make sense?
   
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Re: I don't know if I actually WANT to get better - June 25th 2010, 01:38 AM

I can relate as well, to some extent. I'm also 19 and have been depressed on and off for about the same length of time, and it's awful I know. But I think that when it's something you've been dealing with for a long time and especially if it's something that you have pretty much grown up with then it's actually fairly common, even natural, to find it hard to "let go". I understand your points about it excusing some behaviours and getting you 'love'. Also for me it was about not knowing who I would be without it, it seemed to be such a big part of my identity.

I think, that about it getting you love.. I'm sure that you already know this but it doesn't hurt to remember that the people who truly love you.. it's more that they care for you in spite of any mental health issues than because of them. It is hard for people around you to deal with as well, and they do it because they love you. Getting better, properly, takes time and beginning to make those steps doesn't mean that support - professional or otherwise - will be withdrawn from you. Hopefully with time you'll feel you're able to cope with more 'by yourself' but I'm sure that people would always be there for you.

I think what helped me was, I reached a point where I just couldn't stand how I was feeling and I was really very suicidal and the thought of carrying on how I was was just totally unbearable.. so I just had to start working, really working, at getting better. And it's been hard, incredibly hard, and very painful. BUT so, so worth it. Now that I know what it's like to live without carrying all that pain around with me, THAT's what I want. Part of it has been about sort of expanding my life.. new hobbies, finding out what I enjoy doing and so on, so that I have a better sense of who I am without the depression, without the self harm. It makes it easier to see it as something that isn't 'me'.. it's been part of me, part of my life, it's had an impact on who I am.. but it doesn't define me. And realising that makes it easier to let go.

Anyway, I'm sorry for rambling! I hope that you do find a way to move on from this. Good luck with everything, here if you want to talk or anything.
   
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Re: I don't know if I actually WANT to get better - June 25th 2010, 06:26 PM

I can definately relate to you. I feel like I got so much attention when I wasn't doing that good. It made me happier because I feel like my brother gets all the attention. So now that I'm doing better, it upsets me that my brother gets more attention again. Also, everyone was so sweet to me and helpful when I was sick and now my family kind of ignores me and tell me how much I annoy them again. I guess I just miss all the attention and kindess from everyone.


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If I can make it out, you can too.
   
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